World Free Stuff

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. She said, “Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?” “Negative, ma’am,” the Sergeant Major said, “Just serious by nature.” “The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, “It looks like you have seen a lot of action.” The Sergeant Major’s short reply was, “Yes, ma’am, a lot of action.” The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, “You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.” The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, “You know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?” The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, “1955.” She said, “Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to “relax” him several times. Afterwards, and panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, “Wow, you sure didn’t forget much since 1955!” The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, “I hope not, it’s only 21:30 now.”

Bob goes into the gents and sees this guy with no arms standing next to the urinal. As he stands there having a pee, Bob wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak. He finishes and starts to leave when the man asks him to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, “Ah, OK, sure, I’ll help you.” The man asks, “Can you unzip my zipper?” Bob says, “OK” Then the man says, “Can you pull it out for me?” Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mould and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points it for him, shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up. The guy tells Bob, “Thanks, man, I really appreciate it.” Bob says, “No problem, but what the hell’s wrong with your penis?” The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, “I don’t know, but I ain’t touching it”

The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, “When you die and go to Heaven…which part of your body goes first?”

Susie raised her hand and said, “I think it’s your hands.”

“Why do you think it’s your hands, Suzy?

Suzy replied, “Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.”

“What a wonderful answer!” the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, “Sister, I think it’s your feet.”

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. “Now, little Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?”

Little Johnny said, “Well, I walked into Mummy and Daddy’s bedroom the other night Mummy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, “Oh God, I’m coming!”

“If Dad hadn’t pinned her down, we’d have lost her.”

The Nun fainted

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, “If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.”

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, “Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish or, your husband will get ……. times ten!”

The woman said, “That’s okay.” For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, “You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man that ever lived, an Adonis whom women will swoon over and flock to”. The woman replied, “That’s okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me.”

So, KAZAM!!! – She’s the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said,”That will make your husband the richest man in the world by far. And he will be ten times richer than you. “The woman said, “That’s okay, because what’s mine is his and what’s his is mine.”

So, KAZAM!!! – She’s the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and after careful consideration she answered, “I’d like a mild heart attack.”

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don’t mess with them.

One of the British national daily newspapers is asking readers “what it means to be British?”. Some of the emails are hilarious but this is one from a chap in Switzerland …
Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV. And the most British thing of all? Suspicion of anything foreign “.

It’s happy to keep going until we’re satisfied.
Vibrators don’t prematurely ejaculate
A vibrator doesn’t have an orgasm first and then just stop “vibrating.”
They don’t get tired after the first time
You never have to lie to a vibrator by saying it was good or … that you had an orgasm.
Vibrators are never too busy watching the game on TV … or Fishin’!
Vibrators never go limp and rubbery, you simply replace the batteries when it tires.
Batteries are cheaper than pick up trucks!!
You can throw them in a drawer and only take them out when you want to!
Vibrators don’t hog the remote … Nor the computer!!
We can get a bigger one or one that has better options whenever we want without being called a slut.
Position is your choice, not his.
You don’t have to suck it.
It works “while” the sports games are on.
It always is hard.
It doesn’t leave a mess behind.
You don’t have to wear an ill fitting teddy to excite it.
It doesn’t care that you gained 10 lbs.
It doesn’t fall asleep and snore in your ear afterwards.
You don’t have to clean up the apartment before bringing it home.
You don’t have to cook it breakfast and pretend to be interested in it the next morning.
They never poke you in the back in the morning to see if you are in the mood.
They never drink too much and embarrass you.
You don’t have to tell the vibrator he’s the best you ever had!
Safe sex without a rubber
Vibrators don’t ask who your Daddy is
Vibrators do what you want them to do at ALL times!
Vibrators are portable so you can do it anytime anywhere you want!!
They never ask how they were.
They don’t burp, fart, belch or fall asleep on you.
You don’t have to stroke its ego.
They never wake up at 4 a.m. asking for another get-go.
It doesn’t leave a wet spot.
You can carry it with you at all times, and not feel obligated to feed it.
It doesn’t require “a little lip action” to get hard
It has no problem finding the “g spot.”
You know exactly where its been.
Vibrators don’t care if you get crumbs in the bed.

A man goes to the confessional and says, “Forgive me Father,
for I have sinned.”

“What is your sin, my child?” the Priest asks.

“Well,” the man starts, “I used the ‘F’-word today and I
feel so terrible.”

“Why don’t you tell me what happened. What made you use
such awful language?” asked the Priest.

“Well, I was out golfing and I hit this incredible drive
that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but
the ball hit a phone line hanging over the fairway and fell
straight down to the ground after going about 100 yards.”

“I’m a golfer myself my son” said the Priest “I
understand what you were feeling. So this is when you
swore?”

“No Father,” said the man, “You see, after that a
squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his
mouth and began to run away.”

“And this is when you swore?” asked the Father again.

“No not yet. Just as the squirrel was running away, this
eagle came down out of the sky and grabbed the squirrel in
his talons and began to fly away!”

“And it was then that you swore?” asked the amazed
Priest.

“No, not yet,” replied the man, “Just as the eagle was
flying away with the squirrel he flew towards a wooded
area next to the green. And as he passed over it, the
squirrel dropped my ball.”

“Did you swear then, my son?” asked the now impatient
Priest.

“No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced
through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and then
rolled through a sand trap and on to the green and stopped
dead six inches from the hole!” told the man.

The priest sighed, “You missed the f*cking putt, didn’t
you?!! .

1.In Its ancient Form, the carrot was purple not orange. Christian Bowskill – London

2. President Bush and Saddam Hussein both have their shoes made by the same Italian Shoemaker. Scott Hunt – Cambridge

3. Smokers eat more sugar than non-smokers do. Allan Swan – Southampton

4. Early Romans used to use porcupine quills as toothpicks. Sam Whitrow – Aylesbury

5. French was the official language of England for over 600 years. Martin Bassist, Warrington

6. In 1998, Sony accidently sold 700,000 camcorders that had the technology to see through people’s clothes. Paul, Worcester

7. In Ancient Greece, if a woman watched even one Olympic event, she was executed. Jeff Barnsley – England

8. During a typical human life span, the human heart will beat approximately 2.5 billion times. Greg Bennett – Southampton

9. The Earth gets 100 tons heavier every day due to falling space dust. Debbie Cooper, London

10. At one ‘feeding’, a mosquito can absorb one and a half times its own weight in blood. Lindsay – Kilmarnock

11. The cigarette lighter was invented before the match. Jack Hill, Surrey

12. A snail can sleep for three years. Dave Edmonds, Swindon

13. The worlds youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910. Micky White, Cambridge

14. While 7 men in 100 have some form of color blindness, only 1 woman in 1,000 suffers from it. Barry, London

15. Every three seconds, a new baby is born. Sophie Blancher, London

16. The Moon was created when a rock the size of Mars slammed into Earth, shortly after the solar system began forming about 4.5 billion years ago. Roger – Cardiff

17. There are 200 seeds on each strawberry. Sarah

18. In some areas, Japanese police officers are required to hold at least a Shodan (black belt) in Aikido. Jo Chang – Windsor

19. Most cows give more milk when they listen to music. Gemma Carter

20. The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds. Dave – Scotland

21. A ‘jiffy’ is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second. Craig Goldsmith – Essex

22. The average driver emits more than 912 pints of wind inside a car during his or her lifetime…..according to Top Gear magazine. Simon Duff

23. It is illegal in Suadi Arabia to have a gorilla in the back seat of your car Jane Wilde

24. Most lipsticks contain fish scales. Tim

25. Apples are more efficient than caffeine in keeping people awake in the mornings. JA London

26. It is illegal to sell an ET doll in France. They have a law forbidding the sale of dolls that do not have human faces. Jane – Liverpool

27. A lightning strike in the Democratic Republic of Congo killed all 11 members of one soccer team while leaving the opposing team in the match untouched, leading to accusations of witchcraft by the survivors. Jack – Ireland

28. The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in jelly. Rob – UK

29. During an hours swimming at a municipal pool you will ingest 1/12 litre of urine. Jacob – Kingston

30. In England it is illegal to hang a bed out of a window. Tom Bourne

31. If Barbie were life size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand 7 feet 2 inches tall and have a neck twice the length of a normal human neck.
Linda Lewis

32. Bats always turn left when exiting from a cave.
Ken

33. The longest one-syllable word in the English language is “screeched.” Paul Morris. London.

34. The worlds strongest beer is ‘Samuel Adams’ Triple Bock, which has reached 17% alcohol by volume. To obtain this level, however, they had to use a champagne yeast.
Emma L – Brighton

35. Madonna was once sacked from her job at Dunkin’ Donuts for squirting jam at a customer.
Mad Donna – New York

36. If you’re too open minded, your brains will fall out.
Paul H – Guilford

37. A chicken will lay bigger and stronger eggs if you change the lighting in such a way as to make them think a day is 28 hours long.
Edward Rogers – Bognor Regis

38. Our ears never stop growing….Next time you visit Granny have a good look,bet her ears are above average in size!
Deborah

39. A Blue whale’s tounge is as big an an elephant.
Bob Tachauer – ILford

40. If your nose runs & your feet smell ……….. then your upside down !
Steve Knight

41. Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn’t wear pants. Donald from Finland

42. The saying ‘Mind your P’s and Q’s’ comes from the time when alcoholic beverages were served/sold in Pints and Quarts. Thus, to mind your P’s and Q’s meant to be careful how much you drank. Peter Kite. Manchester

43. An ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. Joe – Oxford

44.Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a spacesuit damages them. Kelly – Glasgow

45. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.
Andrea Efstathiou

46. In Athens, Greece, a driver’s license can be lifted by the law if the driver is deemed either ‘poorly dressed’ or ‘unbathed’.
Peter Hall – Oxford

47. You are more likely to be killed by a Champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.
Ross mattinson – Scotland

48. Mosquito repellents don’t repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito’s sensors so they don’t know you’re there.
Nicolee Venter

49. The German team’s away strip is green in honour of the fact that the first team who would play them after WWII was Ireland. They were shunned by all other nations.
Drew McDowell – Belfast

50. Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
Jude Kent – USA

51. The average person eats 8 spiders in their lifetime at night. Richard H – Newcastle

52. Oprah is actually a typo. Her parents wanted to use the biblical name Orpah, but the midwife couldn’t spell so it became Oprah. Sam – NY City

53. The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with. Sheila – Australasia

54. Dogs only sweat from the bottoms of their feet, the only way they can discharge heat is by panting. Dogs and wolves yawn as a sign of contentment. Chris from Essex

55. You can use pine cones to forecast the weather – The scales will close when rain is on the way. Kate. Richmond

56. If you keep a Goldfish in the dark room, it will eventually turn white. Jack Harrod – Wiltshire

58. In ancient Greece, women counted their age from the date they were married. James Wilson – UK

59. If you have a tapeworm in your stomach it will come up when you are asleep to lick the salt off your lips! Tim Mitchell – Ashbourne, Derbyshire

60. The word “checkmate” in chess comes from the Persian phrase “shah mat,” which means “the king is dead.” James W

61. It is totally impossible to touch your nose with your elbow even if you are double jointed. Gitte Bell

62. The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
Joe Dent – Nottingham

63. A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
Jill Summers

64. In Shakespeare’s time mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase “goodnight, sleep tight”. R French

65. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or purple. Paul Jones

66. You burn 26 calories in a 1-minute kiss. Anne W

67. Gloucestershire airport in England used to blast Tina Turner songs on the runways to scare birds away. Harry Stirling – Nottingham

68. If you wore a pair of glasses that made what you see appear up-side-down, after about six months your brain would work-out what was wrong and would adjust your vision to turn it the right way up. But upon taking the glasses off again the world would appear up-side-down, and again it would take about six months for your brain to rectify itself. Paul gilroy – Somerset.

69. Woodpeckers have tongues so long they can wrap them around their brain to cushion it when they are pecking. Nicola Anderson

70. The sole effect of the first bomb dropped by the allies on Berlin was to kill the only elephant in their city zoo. Jimbo Kahane

71. The left leg of a chicken is always more tender than the right. Jane

72. He who laughs last thinks slowest. Chris Saxton – Westbury

73. If you put a woollen jumper in the washing machine at 95 degrees it will shrink. If you put a sheep in the washing machine at 95 degrees it will not (however, it will die). Diane Cunningham – W Lothian

74. An ostrich’s eye is bigger that its brain. Sam Anderson

75. A pregnant goldfish is called a twit. Andrew Stacey

76. Tina Turners real name is Annie Mae Bullock John Bird – Clapham

77. Sharks will only attack you if you’re wet. Sarah Louise

78. Until the 1960’s men with long hair were not allowed to enter Disneyland. Shannon Wilson – Highbury

79. Donald Duck was banned in Finland because he wears no pants. G Jones – Somerset

80. If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas would be produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb! Clare MacDonald – Skye

81. If you feed baking powder to a pigeon it will explode because it cannot fart. Gareth

82. Lemon juice contains artificial lemon flavouring and yet washing up liquid contains the juice of real lemons. Annie Hemsley

83. Thomas Edison, lightbulb inventor, was afraid of the dark! Harry Cracknell – Luton

84. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. Tim Coggan – Essex

85. There is an exception to every rule, without exception – Think about it! James Clarke – Kingston-Upon-Thames

86. The picture of the mona lisa has no eyebrows in her time it was the fashion to remove them John Lovegrove

87. Eskimos use refrigerators to keep their food from freezing. Graham Webster – HULL

88. If moths like light so much, why do they only come out when it is dark? Nozzy – UK

89. Octopuses can eat themselves, if they get very upset. Han Xunchou – Singapore

90. TIP actually stands for: To Insure Promptness. So one should tip before you eat if you want to receive a prompt service. Geraldine Howard

91. Penguins are the only other animal who openly allow and participate in prostitution. While the males look after the eggs the females go off and sleep with other males who have more impressive nests. As payment they receive a stone from the males nest! Katie Reeves

92. The bike ridden by Steve McQueen in The Great Escape is the same bike ridden by the Fonz in Happy Days Andrew Eadie – Aberdeen

93. Radar was invented by the ancient Egyptians to find cats in the dark. Peter Newton – Exeter University

94. If missiles are so accurate, then surely they should be called ‘hit’iles. Ian Green – Hertfordshire

95. In the late 1800’s, water was hauled around on horse-drawn carriages. That’s why, when giving up alcohol, you are ‘on the wagon’. Daz – Plymouth

96. when people say “my god, I am sweating like a pig”, in fact this means that they aren’t sweating at all, as pigs don’t have sweat glands, so they can’t sweat!!! Ollie Pearce – UK

97. A person uses approximately fifty-seven sheets of toilet paper each day! Neal Gould, Colorado

98. If all the people in Dover were laid end-to-end they could stretch across the English Channel……..but they’d drown as well. Colin Milner

99. The Kangaroo got it’s name When Captain James Cook asked one of his men in 1770 to inquire of an Aboriginal what was the name of the strange jumping animal, the man replied “Kangaroo” meaning, I can’t understand what you are saying. D Dumasia – Suffolk

100. In Liverpool it is illegal for a woman to be topless in public except as a clerk in a tropical fish store. James

101. If you were to spell out numbers you would reach 1000 before finding the letter A. Lucy Coe – UK

102. Pneumonoltramicroscopicsilicovolcanicoconiosis is the longest word in the English vocabulary. Jocey – UK

103. The largest sheep ever recorded was a Suffolk ram named Stratford Whisper, which weighed 247.2kg (514lb) and stood 1.09 tall. Dan Davies

104. The rhinoceros horn is not actually a horn at all, but hair so tightly compact it is as hard as bone. Brian Sorahan – UK

105. Women blink nearly twice as much as men. Steve James

106. Duelling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors. Huy Luong

107. BAT GUANO (poop) is an ingredient in most upscale cosmetics. It’s called “guanine”. Remember that as you kiss your wife/girlfriend. Mark A. Bianchi

108. An octopus has a “mini brain” for each arm in addition to it’s main brain! Delphi Scott

109. Romans used powdered mouse brains as toothpaste! Yuck! Dan Palmer – Nottingham

110. Snakes always keep their eyes open, even when they are asleep. Steven

111. The world’s smallest mammal is the bumblebee bat of Thailand, weighing less than a penny. Bat Man

112. A blue whale eats up to 4 tonnes of krill everyday. This is equivalent to eating a fully grown African elephant every day. Gemma Robinson

113. The University of Plymouth was the first university to offer a degree in surfing. Dan – Plymouth University

A guy is in the market for a used motorcycle. He always wanted a big Harley. He shops around, answering ads in the newspaper, and is not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful classic Harley with a for sale” sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition. He inquires about it with the owner.

“This bike is beautiful! I’ll take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape.

“Well,” says the seller, “it’s pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it’s going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In
fact, since you’re buying the bike I won’t need my tube of Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it.” and he hands the buyer a tube of Vaseline.

The guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker. He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She’s ecstatic (being a Harley fan).

That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend’s parents’ house. It’s the first time he’s going to meet them and figures it will make a big impression. When
the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend’s arm.

“Honey,” she says, “I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don’t talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.”

“No problem,” he says. And in they go.

The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room, another huge stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses his girlfriend. No one says a word. So he decides to reach over
and fondle her breasts. He looks at her parents, but still they keep quiet.

So he stands up, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make love right on the dinner table. Still, no one says a word.

“Her Mom’s kinda cute”, he thinks. So he grabs his girlfriend’s Mom and has his way with her right there on the dinner table. Again, total silence.

Then, a few raindrops hit the window and the boyfriend realizes it’s starting to rain. He figures he’d better take care of the motorcycle, so he pulls the Vaseline from his
pocket.

Suddenly the father stands up and shouts: “All right, all right! I’ll do the damn dishes.”

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, “My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.” The second boy says, “That’s nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.” The third boy says, “I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon and it takes eight people to collect all the money!”