World Free Stuff

* Tech Support: “May I ask what operating system you are running today?”
* Customer: “A computer.”

———-

* Tech Support: “What operating system are you running? Windows 95?”
* Customer: (a little too excited) “95, 96, 97, 98, I’ve got them all!”

After conferring with her husband, it turned out she owned a Macintosh with System 8.1.

———-

Customer: “I don’t use DOS. What would happen if I deleted that directory?”

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* Customer: “How much do Windows cost?”
* Tech Support: “Windows costs about $100.”
* Customer: “Oh, that’s kind of expensive. Can I buy just one window?”

———-

A customer called in with modem problems.

* Tech Support: “Ok, we’re going to check your modem settings. First thing we need to do is make sure all programs are closed.”
* Customer: “How do I know if everything is closed?”
* Me: “Make sure all windows are closed.”
* Customer: “But…I’m in the basement. I don’t have any windows here.”

Lucky me, I made it to the the mute button in time!

———-

Back in the early days of Windows 95:

* Customer: “I have Windows Thirty One.”
* Tech Support: “Ok, this program requires either Windows 95 or Win32s. Do you have Win32s on your system?”
* Customer: “No, I have Windows Thirty One, not Thirty Two.”
* Tech Support: “Windows 3.1 is the operating system. Win32s is a program that makes your computer fast like Windows 95.”
* Customer: “What’s Windows Ninety Five got to do with it?”
* Tech Supprort: “You need either Windows 95 or Win32s to run this.”
* Customer: “I HAVE THIRTY ONE! WHY WON’T IT WORK?”
* Tech Support: (giving up) “Ma’am, your computer is too old. Buy a new one with Windows 95.”
* Customer: “I’ve heard about Windows Three Hundred and Eleven. Wouldn’t that be better than Ninety Five?”

———-

I saw two older looking ladies trying to figure out the computers at a local store. I knew one of them would say something that I could send to Computer Stupidities, so I tried to listen in.

* Woman 1: “What is that little trash can on the screen?”
* Woman 2: “My son says that is call the ‘recycle bin’. He tells me when I don’t want a Word document anymore and I delete it, it really goes in there.”
* Woman 1: “Why in the recycle thingy? Can’t you just erase it?”
* Woman 2: “Oh no, Word wouldn’t work for very long if I did that, I would run out of blank pages.”
* Woman 1: “Why?”
* Woman 2: “Because it cleans the words off the pages, then sends the blank sheets back to Word so they can be used again. That’s why it’s called the recycle bin.”

———-

* Tech Support: “All right…now double-click on the File Manager icon.”
* Customer: “That’s why I hate this Windows — because of the icons — I’m a Protestant, and I don’t believe in icons.”
* Tech Support: “Well, that’s just an industry term sir. I don’t believe it was meant to –”
* Customer: “I don’t care about any ‘Industry Terms’. I don’t believe in icons.”
* Tech Support: “Well…why don’t you click on the ‘little picture’ of a file cabinet…is ‘little picture’ ok?”
* Customer: [click]

———-

Customer: “Do I hit ‘F’ and ‘8′ at the same time?”

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* Tech Support: “Ok Bob, let’s press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter ‘P’ to bring up the Program Manager.”
* Customer: “I don’t have a ‘P’.”
* Tech Support: “On your keyboard, Bob.”
* Customer: “What do you mean?”
* Tech Support: “‘P’ on your keyboard, Bob.”
* Customer: “I’m not going to do that!”

This one …. rflmao!!!! too funny…

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* Customer: “You’ve got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print a document, but the computer won’t boot properly.”
* Tech Support: “What does it say?”
* Customer: “Something about an error and non-system disk.”
* Tech Support: “Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?”
* Customer: “No, but there’s a sticker saying there’s an Intel inside.”

———-

* Customer: “I need a new floppy drive.”
* Tech Support: “If yours is broken, we’ll replace it. Your system is still under warranty.”
* Customer: “Oh, no! The system works fine! I’m thrilled with it.”
* Tech Support: “So you’re looking for a second drive to copy disks?”
* Customer: “No, I just need a new one.”
* Tech Support: (pause) “Ok, is there any particular reason?”
* Customer: “Mine’s used up.”
* Tech Support: “Used up? Like I said, if it’s broken, we will replace it for free.”
* Customer: “No, it still works. I just installed some software with it, and now it’s used up.”

After some time we arrived at the crux of the misunderstanding, and I calmly showed him that if he pushed the little button on the drive, his disk would come back out. He left a happy man, checkbook safely back in his pocket.

———-

* Customer: “What do I do now?”
* Tech Support: “One way to resolve this would be to delete files to free up space.”
* Customer: “Which files should I delete?”
* Tech Support: “Delete files that you have created that you no longer need.”
* Customer: “I can’t do that. ALL of my files are important. Isn’t there another way?”
* Tech Support: “Well, you could get a bigger hard drive.”
* Customer: “A BIGGER HARD DRIVE! The thing already takes up most of my desk space. How much bigger does it have to be?”

———-

* Tech Support: “Tell me, is the cursor still there?”
* Customer: “No, I’m alone right now.”

———-

* Customer: “I can’t seem to connect to the Internet.”
* Tech Support: “Ah, right. What operating system are you running?”
* Customer: “Netscape.”
* Tech Support: “No, what version of Windows are you using?”
* Customer: “Uhhh…Hewlett Packard?”
* Tech Support: “No, Right click on ‘My Computer,’ and select properties on the menu.”
* Customer: “Your computer? It’s my computer!”
* Tech Support: “No sir, I mean the little picture called ‘My Computer’ on your desktop.”
* Customer: “I don’t see an icon called that on my desktop. I do see one called that on my screen.”
* Tech Support: “Right, just right click that, and choose Properties from the menu.”
* Customer: “Right click?”
* Tech Support: “Just a moment, sir.” (mutes phone) “AAAAAAAARGH.”

———-

* Tech Support: “Ok, ma’am, do you see the button on the right hand side of your mouse?”
* Customer: “No, there’s a printer and a phone on the right hand side of my mouse.”

Hmmmm…. Let’s try a different approach.

———-

Here’s something that occurred while I was reading your page:

* Me: “Ok, press Ctrl, Alt and Del all together. Do you get a screen with lots of programs listed?”
* Customer: “No, it just says ‘Close Program’.”
* Me: “Yes, that’s the name of that window, but are there several programs listed below that?”
* Customer: “Oh. Yes.”
* Me: “Ok, do any of those programs have ‘not responding’ on them?”
* Customer: “No.”
* Me: “You can’t see ‘not responding’ anywhere?”
* Customer: “No.”
* Me: “Ok, please read me what the first few entries are in that list.”
* Customer: “Ok. There’s ‘Microsoft Word [filename] not responding’.”
* Me: “So that has ‘not responding’ on it?”
* Customer: “Yes. Oh, I thought you meant it would be its own entry.”

———-

* Me: “I have put this Movie Magic screen-saver on for you.”
* Manager: “Wow, that’s a nice picture.”
* Me: “Yeah, it’s not bad, is it?”
* Manager: “Can you set the screen-saver so the picture doesn’t change?”
* Me: “Huh?”
* Manager: “You know, so the same picture stays there while we work?”
* Me: “Oh! You want this as the wallpaper?”
* Manager: (angrily) “No! I don’t want you to start decorating the office!”

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