World Free Stuff

Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins talking about himself/herself.

When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food.

Without asking, eat off of your date’s plate. Eat more from their plate than they do.

Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full, and spray crumbs. If a crumb lands anywhere near your date, pick up the crumb, put it in your mouth and say, “I’m all about conservation.”

Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being placed in front of you.

Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head waiter/ hostess and ask for another table in a different part of the restaurant. Order another meal. When your date finally finds you, ask them “What took you so long in the bathroom?”

Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next to you.

Ask the people at neighboring tables for food from their plates.

Beg your date to tattoo your name on their derriere. Keep bringing the subject up periodically throughout the meal.

Order a bucket of lard.

Ask for crayons to color the placemat. You’ll need to be extra persuasive in fancier restaurants with linen tablecloths.

Howl and whistle at women’s legs, especially if you are female.

Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets and relatives.

Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the windows, w with a good view of all exits, and where your back will be facing a wall. Act nervous.

Lick your plate. Offer to lick your date’s.

Hum. Loudly. In monotone.

Stare at your date’s neck and grind your teeth audibly.

Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don’t know what they are talking about.

Drool.

Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms outstretched, and make airplane sounds.

Sacrifice French fries to a Pagon god.

Discretely fill your pockets with sugar packets, napkins, salt shakers, silverware, floral arrangements, etc…

Hold a debate. Take both sides.

Undress your date verbally.

Attempt to auction your date off to people nearby.

After getting your food slide under the table. Take your plate with you.

Order a baked potato. When the waiter brings your food, hide the potato, wait a few minutes, and ask the waiter for the potato you “never got”. When the waiter returns with another potato, have the first one back on your plate.

Order beef tongue. Make lewd comparisons or comments about it.

Get your date drunk. Talk about their philosophy and tape the conversation. Later use good judgment in editing to twist their words around.

Discuss boils and lesions, as if from personal experience.

Occasionally speak in Pig Latin throughout the meal.

Take a break, and go into the restroom. When you return to the table, throw a spare pair of underwear on the back of one of the chairs. Tell your date, “They need to air out.”

Order for your date. Order more food then he/she can possible eat. Tell them they “must eat it all or suffer the consequences.”

If they are paying, order the most expensive thing on the menu. Take one bite, pretend like the food is disgusting and say, “Man, did you get ripped off!”

Bring twenty candles with you to the restaurant. During the meal get up and arrange them around the table in a circle. Chant.

On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that’s the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)

On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it’s ‘just’ a suggestion!)

On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! you lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure? Let’s experiment.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn’t that save more time?)
(Whose body?)

On Boot’s Children’s cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.
(hmm…something must have gotten lost in the translation…)

On a string of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)

On a food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I’m curious.)

On Sainsbury’s peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(but no peas?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(somebody got paid big bucks to write this one…)

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
(Raise your hand if you’ve tried this…)

On a child’s Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Oh go ahead! That’s right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)

There was a gas station in “redneck country” trying to increase its gas sales, so the owner put up a sign saying, “Free Sex with Fill-up.”
Soon a “redneck” customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from (1) to (10), and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

The buyer then guessed (8) and the proprietor said, “No, you were close. The number was (7).”

“Sorry, no free sex this time, but maybe next time.”

Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his buddy this time, pulled in again for a fill-up, and again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number.

The man guessed (2) this time, and the proprietor said, “Sorry, it was (3). You were close but no free sex this time.”

As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, “I think that game is rigged. He doesn’t give away free sex.”

The buddy replied, “No, it’s not rigged — my wife won twice last week.”

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they’d found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.

“It’s a period,” said the little boy.

“Well, I can see that,” she said, “but what is so exciting about a period?”

“Damned if I know,” said the little boy, “but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself.”