World Free Stuff

Neighbor 1: “Hi, there, new neighbor, it sure is a mighty nice day to be moving.”
New Neighbor: “Yes, it is and people around here seem extremely friendly.”

Neighbor 1: “So, what is it you do for a living?”
New Neighbor: “I am a professor at the University, I teach deductive reasoning.”

Neighbor 1: “Deductive reasoning, what’s that?”
New Neighbor: “Let me give you an example. I see you have a dog house out back. By that I deduce that you have a dog.”
Neighbor 1: “That’s right.”

New Neighbor: “The fact that you have a dog, leads me to deduce that you have a family.”
Neighbor 1: “Right again.”

New Neighbor: “Since you have a famly, I deduce that you have a wife.”
Neighbor 1: “Correct.”

New Neighbor: “And since you have a wife, I can deduce that you are heterosexual.”
Neighbor 1: “Yup.”
New Neighbor: “That is deductive reasoning.”
Neighbor 1: “Cool.”

Later that same day:
Neighbor 1: “Hey, I was talking to that new guy who moved in next door.”
Neighbor 2: “Is he a nice guy?”
Neighbor 1: “Yes, and he has an interesting job.”
Neighbor 2: “Oh, yeah, what does he do?”
Neighbor 1: “He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the University.”
Neighbor 2: “Deductive reasoning, what is that?”
Neighbor 1: “Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog house?”
Neighbor 2: “No.”
Neighbor 1: “Fag!”

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children… “You all have obsessions,” he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, “You are obsessed with eating. You’ve even named your daughter Candy.”

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: “Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny.” He turns to the third Mom, Joyce: “Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child’s name, Brandy.”

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers. “Come on, Dick, we’re going home.

1. Turn the radio on. When the tester goes to turn it off slap his/her hand.

2. Rev the car really high, turn to the tester, and say with an evil look, “buckle up!”

3. Come dressed in a suit. Before the examiner gets in the car, ask him/her to put a piece of saran wrap down so he doesn’t dirty the seat.

4. When the examiner tells you to stop, pop the hood clutch and say “oops”.

5. Get in the car, look down at the pedals, and say, “now which one is the gas again?”

6. After the examiner gets in the car, pop the hood, and get out and check the oil.

7. Fill your car with beer bottles.

8. The whole time driving, talk about how Aunt Gertrude smells like mothballs.

9. Tell the Registrar that you are taking the remedial test.

10. In the middle of driving, put your arm around the examiner.

11. Swear at everybody on the road.

12. When you stop at a light, start revving the engine while looking back and forth between the person next to you and the light.

13. Beep your horn at everything.

14. Break off your rear-view mirror and then ask the examiner to hold it up.

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.
Daryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Daryl said, “Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over.”

The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, “Nope, ain’t Bubba.”

The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at the body and said, “Yup, he’s pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.”

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, “No, it ain’t Bubba.”

The mortician asked, “How can you tell?”

Gomer said, “Well, Bubba had two assholes.”

“What? He had two assholes?!” said the mortician.

“Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, ‘Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.’”

Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl.
She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl’s old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.

“On a woman,” the doctor said, “your heart would be just below your left breast.”

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.