World Free Stuff

1. Follow them around the house everywhere…

2. Moo when they say your name…

3. Run into walls…

4. Say that wearing clothes is against your religion…

5. Stand over them at four in the morning with a huge grin on your face and say, good morning sunshine…

6. Pluck someone’s hair out and yell, “DNA”…

7. Wear a sticker that says, “I?m a retard”…

8. Have 20 imaginary friends that you talk to all the time…

9. In public yell, “No Mom/Dad, I will not make out with you!!”…

10. Do what they actually tell you…

11. Jump off the roof, trying to fly…

12. Hold their hand and whisper to them, I see dead people…

13. At everything they say yell, Liar…

14. Try to swim in the floor…

15. Tap on their door all night…

16.Pretend to have amnesia…

17.Say everything backwards…

18.Give yourself a swirly…

19.Run around with a lamp shade on your head yelling, “the sun!!! it’s dying!!!”…

20.Sing at the top of your lungs while running around the house…in your underwear…

21.Have nervous spasms at spontaneous times…

22.Snort loudly when you laugh and then laugh harder..

23.Run in circles…

24.Recite a whole movie 3 times…

25.Pretend to beat yourself up…

26.Slither everywhere…

27.Wear your pants on your head and your shirt on your waist… tell them you’re making a fashion statement…

28.Try and drink out of a glass the wrong way…

29.Super glue your finger up your nose…

30.Talk to a pen…

31.Lay face down and chant like an indian tribe…

32.Try and climb the wall…

33.Spread out on the window and buzz, pretending to be a fly…

34.Take your ice cream cone and put it one your forehead…
say you’re a lovely unicorn…

35.Put pegs on your nose and eyes…

36.Switch the light button on and off for a while. then say, “ooooh… I get it!!!”…

37.Eat your hair…

38.Whatever they are eating, tell them it looks like a certain animal…

39.Eat anything obviously not edible…

40.Say your pet is mocking you and chase it around the house…

41.When you shower or bathe yell, “i’m drowning!!!”…

42.Try to snorkel in your fish tank

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the
lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next
to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with
him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had
nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain
eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, “Let’s
go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.”
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned
against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now nude, she purred at him, “What would you say is my best feature?”
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, “It’s got to be your
ears.”
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, “My ears? Look at these
breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my
butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin – no blemishes anywhere.
How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?”
Clearing his throat, he stammered …. “Outside, when you said you
heard someone coming…. that was me.”

There was a blonde and she was driving and she cut an 18-wheeler off…
So the driver gets out, climbs down, and he shouts at her, “Get out of the car now.”
So she does and he draws a circle around her and says, “Don’t step out of the circle….he took out his knife and he started to slash all her tires…

he turned around and she was laughin…this made him even more angry so he slashed all of her leather seats.. he turned around and she was still laughing…

he was filled with rage so he got gasoline and torches her car. Then he turned around and she was still laughin… he looks at her and says “Why are you laughing!?!”
She replied,

“Because when you werent looking….I stepped out the circle, I stepped out of the circle.”

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn’t find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: “Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . . please advise.”

The old man faxed back: “Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.”

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When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, “I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.”

I said, “Well, then why are you crying?”

She said, “He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.”

I said, “Well, why are you crying?”

She said, “For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m.”

I said, “Well, why in the world would you be crying?”

She said, “I can’t remember where I live!”

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, “Watch that wall!”

A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for
help. “Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?”
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, “I’ll demonstrate. Go ask
your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then
go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then
come back and tell me what you’ve learned.”

The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. “Mom, if someone gave you a
million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?”

“Don’t tell your father, but yes, I would.”

He then goes to his sister’s room. “Sis, if someone gave you a million
dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?”

She replies, “O my god! Definitely!”

The kid goes back to his father. “Dad, I think I’ve figured it out.
Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living
with two sluts.”

A man is out, driving happily along in his car late one
Saturday evening. Before too long, the cops pull him over.

The policeman walks up to the man and asks, “Have you
been drinking, sir?”

“Why? Was I weaving all over the road officer?”

“No,” replied, the policeman, “You were driving splendidly.
It was the ugly fat chick in the passenger seat that gave you away.”

10. At the movies when you meet acquaintances/friends…

Stupid Question:-
Why? Why him of all people?
Answer:-
Why? Would it rather have been you?

The Madam opened the brothel door to see a rather slick looking, well dressed, just past middle age gentleman. “May I help you?” the madam asked.

“I want to see Natalie,” the man replied.

“Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else…”

“No, I must see Natalie.”

Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the man that she charges $1,000 per visit.

Without blinking, the man reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour, whereupon the man calmly left.

The next night he appeared again demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts…it was still $1,000 a visit.

Again the man took out the money, the two went up to the room, and an hour later, he left. When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the man:

“No one has ever used my services three nights in a row. Where are you from?”

The man replied, “I’m from Philadelphia.”

“Really?” replied Natalie. “I have family living there.”

“Yes, I know,” said the man. “Your father died, and I’m your sister’s attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance.”

Some things in life are inevitable:

Taxes

Death,

Being screwed by an attorney.*

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying, “Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident.”

“OH DEAR GOD NO,” Bush exclaims. “That’s terrible!!”

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sits, head in hands. Finally, the President, devastated, looks up and asks, “How many is a Brazillion??!”