World Free Stuff

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son say, “All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now!
And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train … ’cause we’re going down the tracks.”

The horrified mother went in and told her son, “We don’t use that kind of language in this house. Go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train set … but I want you to use nice language.”

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train set.
Soon, the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, “To all passengers, I hope you’ve had a pleasant trip and you will ride with us again soon.”

She heard her little darling continue, “For those of you just boarding, remember there is no smoking on the train.
I hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.”

As the mother began to smile, the child added, “And for those of you who are totally pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay,
please see the BITCH in the kitchen.”

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the
last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he
decided the latest episode was another and stayed put.

He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed
beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed,
gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital
window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed
on him.

He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently
trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the
soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down
at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing
his laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked
up and asked, “What the heck is going on here?”

The drunk, still staring down replied: “I think I just beat
the sh*t out of a ghost.”

This guy is sitting in his living room surfing the channels on the television. All of a sudden, the door of the apartment whips open and his girlfriend storms through.
She screams, “You f**king a*****e!” and she heads into the bedroom.
Stunned, the man flips off the television and walks toward the bedroom, wondering, “Now what have I done?”
Inside the bedroom he finds the girl furiously packing a suitcase. He asks her what’s up. She responds with a hiss, “My therapist says that I should leave you and that you’re a pedophile!”
The man responds, “Wow, you’re pretty smart for a 12 year old.”