World Free Stuff

An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it was time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

“How do you feel about sex?” he asked, rather trustingly.

“Well,” she says, responding very carefully, “I’d have to say I would like it infrequently.

“The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then, looking over his glasses, he looked her in the eye casually asking, “Was that one word or two words?”

There was a man who worked for the Post Office, whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came to his desk, addressed in a shaky handwriting, to God. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. He opened it and read:

Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100.00 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?
Sincerely,
Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all of the other workers. Each of them dug into his wallet and came up with a few dollars.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96.00, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all of the workers felt a warm glow for the kind thing they had done.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the old lady, to God. All of the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving bastards at the Post Office.

Sincerely,
Edna

A pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he
entered it in the race again, and it won again. The
local newspaper read:

PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity
that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in
another race.

The next day, the local newspaper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR’S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the
pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to
give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper,
hearing of the news, posted the following headline the
next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would
have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a
farmer for $10. The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the
nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains
where it could run wild. The next day the headlines
read:

NUN ANNOUNCES…HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The Bishop was buried the next day…