World Free Stuff

Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 30 years with only apes for company, and suitably shaped holes in trees for sex. Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure. Deep in the wilds she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak. She watched in awe for a while.

Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion Jane came out into the open and offered herself to him. As she reclined on the wild grass Tarzan ran up to her and gave her a big kick in the crotch. In pain she screamed ‘What the hell did you do that for?’ Tarzan replied, ‘Always check for squirrels.’

A twenty-one-year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting and cursing, the mother says, “Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!”

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man, impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit, steps out of the car and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them:

“Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I’m very sorry, but I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation, but I WILL take charge.”

He continued, “If a girl is born, I will bequeath her two retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?”

At this point, the father who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder and tells him, “Then you try again.”

A man goes to his doctor and complains that his wife hasn`t wanted to have sex with him for the past six months.
The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her and hopefully determine what the problem is.
The following day, the wife goes to the doctor`s office. The doctor asks her what`s wrong, why doesn`t she want to have sex with her husband?
“Oh, that`s easily explained. For the past six months,” the wife says, “I`ve been taking a cab to work every morning. I don`t have any money. The cab driver asks me, `Are you going to pay today, or what?` So, I take an `or what`.”
“Then, when I get to work,” she continues, “I`m late, so the boss asks me, `Are we going to write this down in the book, or what?` So, I take an `or what`.
I take a cab to go home after work and, as usual, I have no money. The cab driver asks me again, `So, are you going to pay this time, or what?` Again, I take an `or what`.
So you see, doc, by the time I get home I`m all tired out and don`t want it anymore.”
“Yes, I see,” replies the doctor. “So, are we going to tell your husband, or what?”