World Free Stuff

A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Porsche Carrera GT in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along too close to the curb and completely tore off the driver’s door.
Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Porsche, his lights flashing. But, before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically about how his Porsche, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how hard the body shop tries to make it new again.
After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. “I can’t believe how materialistic you lawyers are,”
he said. “You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life.”
“How can you say such a thing?” asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, “Don’t you even realize that your left arm is missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!!!”
“OH, MY GOD!” screamed the lawyer………..

“MY ROLEX!”

1. Not tipping
People who provide good service should always be tipped. Don’t be an asshat. Folks in certain industries depend on that shit. If someone goes out of their way to ensure your happiness, you can come off a few bucks. Non-tippers deserve to be nut-kicked by a concrete boot.

2. Not controlling your kids
It seems everywhere I go these days some wild ass little fucktard is running around a public place (stores…theaters…public parks) bothering otherwise decent folks with their monkey-like annoyance while their parents look on helplessly. Red Foreman would not put up with such behavior. We need more guys like Red Foreman in this world.

3. Driving slow
No one likes to be stuck behind the guy who has to slow to a turtle-crawl to make a left turn at a stoplight which only stays green for so many seconds. Turning a vehicle is not a complicated task. If your brain can not function in such a timely manner you should not be allowed to drive. Other people would like to make that turn as well. Don’t be a dick.

4. Not picking up your trash
We all know at least one guy always leaves a little piece of whatever he was doing on your end table or floor after he is gone. There are always trash cans around. Not using a receptacle to rid yourself of trash is just lazy. Like the old owl used to say, “Give a hoot, Throw your fucking trash away!”

5. Holding up lines
If there is even one person waiting behind you it is common courtesy to do what the fuck you came to do and move on. No one has time to wait on a person who has had ample opportunity to decide what they wanted before they got to the counter. Holding up other folks makes you a dredge on society’s functionality. Please think about this thoroughly the next time you plan on taking fifteen minutes in the express lane learning to write a check for a 7$ purchase.

6. Not yielding for pedestrians
In case you were wondering… yes, the phrase “the pedestrian always has the right of away” is meant to be taken literally. It is not going to kill you to observe the rules of the road and wait a few seconds for an old lady to finish crossing the street before you attempt to run her down. Decent folks who do not see the need to drive everywhere should not be at risk of their lives every time they enter the realm of the crosswalk because some idiot soccer mom bought an SUV and absolutely can’t be arsed to spare ten seconds of her day to let some kid cross the damn street.

7. Asking stupid questions in public
If you are going to be a dumb-ass, please do so in the privacy of your own home. Regaling others with the scope of your stupidity in such places as a fast food lunch counter or the local supermarket checkout line does not make you cool. Asking such things as “How late are you open?” when there is a clear-as-day sign on the door as you walk in lacks common sense. While it may be true that ignorance is bliss, it is exactly the opposite for those who are forced to witness it.

8. Arguing with your girl in public
Not a single person in this world cares the least little bit about your relationship problems. Whenever I see some asshole and his significant other acting like children in front of total strangers the first thought that comes to my mind is the need to bring back the old tar and feathering punishment. There are reasons you have your own home. One of them is so other people aren’t bothered with your failed love life.

9. Thinking you are too cool for the rest of society
Everyone hates the type of people who walk around with sticks stuck up their asses. Old Chuck was right when he said we are all part of the same shit heap. In essence we are all just animals roaming this earth. In a perfect world everyone would be treated with equal consequences and respect by everyone else. This planet would be such a nicer place to live if everyone could follow that simple rule.

Three Canadians and three Americans are traveling by train to a hockey game. At the station, the three Americans each buy tickets and watch as the three Canadians buy only a single ticket.

“How are the three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asks an American. “Watch and you’ll see, ” answers a Canadian.

They all board the train. The Americans take their respective seats but all three Canadians cram into a bathroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the bathroom door and says, “Ticket, please.” The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Americans see this and agree it was quite a clever idea.

So after the game, they decide to copy the Canadians on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that).

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Canadians don’t buy a ticket at all.

“How are you going to travel without a ticket? ” asks one perplexed American.
“Watch and you’ll see, ” answers a Canadian.

When they board the train the three Americans cram into a bathroom and the three Canadians cram into another bathroom nearby.

Once the train leaves the station, one of the Canadians leaves and walks over to the bathroom where the Americans are hiding, knocks on the door, and says,
“Ticket, please. “

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said:
“I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?”

“Good question”, noted the Rabbi. “We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.”

“Oh”, replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: “What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?”

“Ah, yes”, replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. “We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits.”

“I see!” replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. “Well, Rabbi”, he went on, “What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?”

“Here, too, we do not waste”, answered the Rabbi. “What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick.”

Being an Evil Overlord seems to be a good career choice. It pays well, there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours. However every Evil Overlord I’ve read about in books or seen in movies invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end. I’ve noticed that no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad scientists, or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic mistakes every single time. With that in mind, allow me to present…

The Top 100 Things I’d Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord

1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear Plexiglas visors,
   not face concealing ones.
2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed,
   not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell in my dungeon.
4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on
   the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragon
   of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the
   object which is my one weakness.
6. I will not gloat over my enemies predicament before killing them.
7. When I’ve captured my adversary and he says, “Look, before you kill
   me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?” I’ll say, “No.” and
   shoot him. No, on second thought, I’ll shoot him and then say “No.”
8. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately
   in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks’ time
   during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely
   necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled,
   “Danger: Don Not Push”. The big red button marked “Do Not Push” will
   instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it.
   Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will clearly not be labelled as such.
10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum – a small hotel
    room well outside my border will work just as well.
11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to
    prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker
    enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in
    my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least several round of
    ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff.
    The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration,
    will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other
    form of last request.
15. I will never employ any device with a digital count-down. If I find that
    such a device is absolutely unavoidable. I will set it to activate when the
    counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
16. I will never utter the sentence “But before I kill you, there’s just one
    thing I want to know.”
17. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
18. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to
    usurp power would easily fail, it would prove a fatal distraction at a crucial
    point in time.
19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil,
    but one look at the hero’s rugged countenance and she’d betray her own father.
20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal
    laughter. When so occupied, it’s too easy to miss unexpected developments
    that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
21. I will hire a fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legion
    of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like
    Nazi stormtroopers, Roman foot soldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were
    eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power,
    I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in
    their use. That way — even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power
    generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless –
    my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears
    and rocks.
24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strength and weaknesses.
    Even though this takes some fun out of the job, at least I will never utter
    the line “No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!” (After that, death is
    usually instantaneous.)
25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort
    of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and
    virtually inaccessible spot.
26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there
    is probably someone just as attractive which is not desperate to kill me.
    Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bed chamber.
27. I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems
    will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason
    I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot
    escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
29. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly
    thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely
    give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.
31. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly,
    world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcements
    and/or romantic sub-plot for the hero or his side-kick.
32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news
    just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
33. I won’t require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear
    a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code.
    Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.
34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic.
    Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block,
    let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only
    key to the cell door on my person instead of handing copies to every
    bottom-rung guard in the prison.
37. If my trusted lieutenant tell me my Legion of Terror is losing a battle,
    I will believe him.. After all, he’s my trusted lieutenant.
38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring
    anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of
    waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me
    in my old age.
39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the
    forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number
    among his army.
40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable
    super-weapon, I will use it early and as often as possible instead of
    keeping it in reserve.
41. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all of those pesky time travel devices.
42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey,
    ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes
    and filching keys that happens to follow him around.
43. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the
    beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good
    looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.
44. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who
    work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds
    to give the other guy a sporting chance.
45. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for
    what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not
    draw my weapon, point it at him and say “And here is the price for failure,”
    then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.
46. If an advisor says to me “My liege, he is but one man. What can one
    man possibly do?” I will reply, “This,” and kill the advisor.
47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will
    slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.
48. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with
    respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not
    immediately come after me for revenge.
49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me,
    I will not send all of my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out
    to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.
50. My main computers will have their own special operating system that
    will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.
51. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the
    conditions of the beautiful princess’ cell, I will immediately transfer him to
    a less people oriented position.
52. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine
    my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels
    that I might not know about.
53. If the beautiful princess that I capture says “I’ll never marry you! Never,
    do you hear me, NEVER!!!”, I will say “Oh well” and kill her.
54. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to
    double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
55. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in
    my Legion of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert
    missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else
    equally qualified who would attract less attention.
56. My Legion of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who
    cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.
57. Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owners manual.
58. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose
    dramatically and toss off a one-liner.
59. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.
60. My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code
    I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will
    not be used. Note: This also applies to passwords.
61. If my advisors ask “Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?”
    I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.
62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural
    supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.
63. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they
    will be kept hot, with none of this nonsense about flames going through
    accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.
64. I will see a compentant psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely
    unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be disadvantageous.
65. If I must have a computer system with publicly available terminals, the
    maps they display will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room.
    That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will
    be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.
66. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who
    watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for
    fingerprints and then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence
    will trigger the alarm system.
67. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be
    instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.
68. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is
    only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is
    good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they’d better
    save my life again.
69. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered
    at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster homes, not
    abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.
70. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel
    in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them
    disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an
    alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.
71. If I decide to test a lieutenant’s loyalty and see if he/she should be made
    a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in
    case the answer is no.
72. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin
    to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon, instead of using my
    unstoppable super weapon on them.
73. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest,
    even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.
74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that
    my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label
    the disk “Project Overlord” and leave it lying on top of my desk.
75. I will instruct my Legion of Terror to attack the heroes en masse, instead
    of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.
76. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle
    with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him
    at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten
    lava is not even worth considering.)
77. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the
    chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutenant, I will retain enough sanity
    to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making
    the offer.
78. I will not tell my Legion of Terror “And he must be taken alive-” the
    command will be “And try to take him alive if it is reasonable practical.”
79. If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon
    as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited edition
    commemorative coins.
80. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best
    troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets
    closer and closer to my fortress.
81. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed
    him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat,
    I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.
82. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the
    crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerously unbalanced structure.
83. If I’m eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to
    leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead
    of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.
84. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.
85. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated,
    e.g. “Align the 12 stones of power on the sacred altar then activate the
    medallion at the moment of total eclipse.” Instead it will be more alone the
    lines of “Push the button/”
86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.
87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also,
    I will not construct walkways above them.
88. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them
    for incompetence then send the same group out to do the task again.
89. After I capture the hero’s super weapon, I will not disband legions and
    relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable.
    After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.
90. I will not design my main control room so that every workstation is facing
    away from the door.
91. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously
    agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It
    might actually be important.
92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead, I
    will say that his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility
    of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet
    contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are
    incredibly gullible in this regard.)
93. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and the underling who
    failed or betrayed me, I will die first.
94. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and
    grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.
95. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with
    bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cell mate tells
    the guard it’s an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of
    opening the cell for a look.
96. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel
    on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside
    opens the door, not vice versa.
97. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective
    surfaces or anything that can be unraveled.
98. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor
    their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them.
    However, if circumstances have forced them together against their will and
    they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during
    the intermittent occasions when they are saving each other’ lives at which
    point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.
99. Any data files of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb.
100. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance,
     I will provide each of them with free, unlimited access to the Adult Channel.

FROM: Jane
TO: Tech Support
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software; severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installs many other valuable programs such as Dinner Dancing 7.5, Cruise Ship 2.3, and Opera Night 6.1. It also installs new, undesirable programs such as Poker Night 1.3, Saturday Football 5.0, Golf 2.4 and Clutter Everywhere 4.5. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs. When I click on it, the system crashes. Under no circumstances will it run Diaper Changing 14.1 or House Cleaning 2.6.
I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all purpose utility is of limited effectiveness. Can you help, please!!!!
************************************************** ***********************

FROM: Tech Support
TO: Jane
Subject: Upgrade Dangers
Yours is a common problem women complain about and is mostly due to a misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package. However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible. Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0.
In desperation to play some of their “old time” favorite applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0. Look in your manual under “Warnings: Divorce/Child Support”. You will notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled with Heart Break 1.3. I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system. Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults [GPFs]. This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To activate this great feature enter the command “C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME”. Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.
TECH TIP! Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a C:\ I APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, or worse yet, to Beer 6.0. Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create Fat Belly files and Snoring Loudly wave files that are very hard to delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip! Just remember! The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran.
Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly. After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as Fix Broken Things 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and Best Friend 7.6.
A final word of caution! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother in Law 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause selective shutdown of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until Mother In Law 1.0 is uninstalled.
I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!

Why do we live as long as we do?
On the very first day, God created the cow. He said to the cow, “Today I have created
you! As a cow you must go to the field with the farmer all day long. You will work all
day under the sun! I will give you a life span of 50 years.”
Cow objected, “What? This kind of tough life you want me to live 50 years? Let me
have 20 years, and the 30 years I’ll give back to you.”
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the dog. He said to the dog, “What you are supposed to
do is sit all day by the door of your house. Any people that come in, you will have to
bark at them! I’ll give you a life span of 20 years.”
Dog objected, “What? All day long sit at the door? No way! I give you back my other
10 years of life.”
So God agreed.
On the third day, God created the monkey. He said to the monkey, “Monkey has to
entertain people. You’ve got to make them laugh and do monkey tricks. I’ll give you a
life span of 20 years.”
Monkey objected, “What? Make them laugh? Do monkey faces and tricks? Ten years
will do, and the other 10 years I’ll give you back.”
So God agreed.
On the fourth day, God created man and he said to him, “Your job is to sleep, eat, and
play. You will enjoy your life very much. All you need to do is enjoy and do nothing.
This kind of life, I’ll give you 20 years of life span.”
The man objected, “What? Such a good life! Eat, play, sleep, do nothing? Enjoy the best
and you expect me to live for only 20 years? No way1 Why don’t we make a deal?
Since Cow gave you back 30 years, Dog gave you back 10 years and Monkey gave you
back 10 years, I will take them from you! That makes my life span 70 years, right?
So God agreed.
AND THAT IS WHY…
In our first 20 years, we eat, sleep, play, enjoy the best and do nothing much.
For the next 30 years, we work all day long, suffer and get to support the family.
For the next ten years, we entertain our grandchildren by making monkey faces and
monkey tricks.
And for the last 10 years, we stay at home, sit in front of the door and bark at people.

Three sons left home, went out on their own, and prospered.

Getting back together, they discussed the gifts that they were
able to give to their elderly mother.

The first said, “I built a big house for our mother.”

The second said, “I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.”

The third smiled and said, “I’ve got you both beat.
You know how Mom enjoys the Bible and you know she
can’t see very well. I sent her a brown parrot that can recite
the entire Bible. It took 20 monks in a monastery 12 years
to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000
a year for 10 years, but it was worth it. Mom just has to
name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it.”
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks:
She wrote the first son, “Milton, the house you built is so
huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the
whole house.”

She wrote the second son, “Marvin, I am too old to travel.
I stay home all the time, so I never use the Mercedes.
And the driver is so rude!”

She wrote the third son, “Dearest Melvin, you were the only
son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes.
The chicken was delicious.