World Free Stuff

(This joke originated in Canada. Newfie = Newfoundland-er for the record. For those of you who don’t know geography in Canada, Newfoundland is an Atlantic (Maritimes) province.)

There was a Newfie and two natives walking through the woods. One of the natives runs up to a hill to a cave. He stands in front of the cave and hollers in “Whoo! Whoo!” like the sound of an owl. The native hears a response from the cave, tears his cloths of, then runs into the cave.

“What was that about? Is he crazy or what?” says the Newfie to the remaining Native.

“Haha, nah. It has been an ancient tradition that during mating season, we make a ‘woo’ing sound into caves we see, and if we get a response there is a women in there waiting for us.” the native guy says.

They continue walking and remaining native sees a cave. Goes up to it. Says “Whoo!” like and owl, gets a response, tears off his clothes and runs into the cave.

The Newfie continues walking and spots a big cave, and thinks to himself that if it is a big cave, there better be a big woman in there waiting for him. So he says “Whoo! Whoo!” into the cave and gets a “Whoo! Whoo!”.

He gets so excited and runs into the cave while tearing off his clothes.

The next day.. the headline reads…

This will kill ya.

“Naked Newfie Gets Hit by Train.”

WOMEN WITH BIG BREASTS…

..can get a taxi on the worst days

..have a neat place to carry spare change

..have always been the centre of the arts (art)

..make jogging a spectator sport (a personal favourite of mine)

..can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub

..have more negotiating power (with men shorter than them)

..usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie

..can always carry a little extra

..always float better

..know where to look first for lost earrings

..rarely lack for a slow dance partner

..have a place to set their glasses when sitting in an armless recliner

WOMEN WITH LITTLE BREASTS…

..don’t cause a traffic accident every time they bend over in public

..always look younger

..find that dribbled food makes it to the napkin on their lap

..can always see their toes and shoes

..can sleep on their stomachs

..have no trouble sliding behind the wheel of small cars

..know that people can read the entire message on their t-shirts

..know that everything more than a handful is wasted

..can come late to a theatre and not disrupt an entire aisle

..can take aerobic class without running the risk of knocking themselves out.

Perfect Day for a Woman
08:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses.
08:30 Weigh 5 lb. lighter than yesterday.
08:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants.
09:15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil.
10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny, gay personal trainer.
10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo, and comb out.
12:00 Lunch with best friend at an outdoor cafe.
12:45 Notice ex-boyfriend’s wife, she has gained 30 lb.
13:00 Shopping with friends, buy myself something special.
15:00 Nap.
16:00 A dozen roses delivered by florist from a secret admirer.
16:15 Light workout at club followed by a gentle massage.
17:30 Pick outfit for dinner. Primp before mirror.
19:00 Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing.
20:00 Surprised with a piece of jewelry as a token of love.
21:30 Hot shower. Alone.
22:00 Make love.
23:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling.
23:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms.

Perfect Day for a Man
06:00 Alarm.
06:15 Bl*wj*b.
06:30 Massive dump while reading the sports section.
07:00 Breakfast. Filet Mignon, eggs, toast and coffee.
07:30 Limo arrives.
07:45 Bloody Mary en route to airport.
08:15 Private jet to Augusta, Georgia.
09:30 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club.
09:45 Play front nine, finish 2 under par.
11:45 Lunch. 2 dozen oysters on the half shell. 3 Heinekens.
12:15 Bl*wj*b.
12:30 Play back nine at Augusta, finish 4 under par.
14:15 Limo back to airport. Drink 2 Bombay martinis.
14:30 Private jet to Nassau, Bahamas. Nap.
15:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with topless female crew.
16:30 Catch world record light tackle marlin – 1249 lbs.
17:00 Jet back home. En route, get massage from naked Playmate of your choice.
19:00 Watch CNN Newsflash. Clinton resigns.
19:30 Dinner. Lobster appetizers, Dom Perignon, 20 0z. New York Strip.
21:00 Relax after dinner with 1789 Augler Cognac and Cuban cigar.
22:00 Have sex with two 18 year old nymphomaniacs.
23:00 Massage and jacuzzi.
23:45 Go to bed.
23:50 Let loose a 12 second, 4 octave fart. Watch the dog leave the room.
23:55 Laugh yourself to sleep.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I’d forgotten to make. I found the number and dialled it. A man answered, saying “Hello.” I politely said, “This is David. Could I please speak with Robert Campbell?”

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear “Get the right f*kin number!” and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn’t believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robert’s correct number to call him, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with him, I decided to call the ‘wrong’ number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled “You’re a C*nt!” and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word ‘C*nt’ next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I’d call him up and yell, “You’re a C*nt!” It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic “C*nt” calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said,” Hi, this is John Smith from BT I’m calling to see if you’re familiar with our Caller ID Program?”

He yelled “NO!” and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, “That’s because you’re a C*nt!”

One day I was at Lakeside Shopping Centre, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a gunmetal grey Land Rover cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I’d been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a “For Sale” sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first C*nt (I had his number on speed dial), I thought that I’d better call the Land Rover C*nt, too.

I said, “Is this the man with the gunmetal grey Land Rover for sale?” “Yes, it is”, he said. “Can you tell me where I can see it?” I asked. “Yes, I live at 129 Alice Street, in Ilford. It’s a terraced house, and the car’s parked right out in front.”

“What’s your name?” I asked. “My name is Steve Hansen,” he said. “When’s a good time to catch you, Steve?” “I’m home most days as I’m currently unemployed.” “Listen, Steve, can I tell you something?” “Yes?” “Steve, you’re a C*nt!”

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two a**eholes to call. Then one day I came up with an idea. I called C*nt #1.

“Hello?”
“You’re a C*nt!” (But I didn’t hang up.)
“Are you still there?” he asked.
“Yeah,” I said.
“Stop calling me,” he screamed.
“Make me,” I said.
“Who are you?” he asked.
“My name is Steve Hansen.”
“Yeah?”
Where do you live?”
“I live at 129 Alice Street, Ilford, a terraced house, with my gunmetal grey Land Rover parked out the front.”
He said, “I’m coming over right now, Steve. And you had better start saying your prayers.” I said, “Yeah, like I’m really scared, C*nt,” and hung up.
Then I called C*nt #2. “Hello?” he said.
“Hello, C*nt,” I said.
He yelled, “If I ever find out who you are…”
“You’ll do what?” I said.
“I’ll kick your a*se,” he exclaimed.
I answered, “Well, C*nt, here’s your chance. I’m coming over right now.”

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 129 Alice Street, Ilford, and that I was on my way over there to kill my male lover.

Then I called Channel 5 News about the hoodie war going down in Alice Street, Ilford .

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Alice Street. I got there just in time to watch two C*nts beating the cr*p out of each other in front of six police cars, an overhead police helicopter and a News crew.

Now I feel MUCH better.

Take it from me, anger management really works!