World Free Stuff

Patient: Docter, Docter! I fell like a pair of curtains!
Docter: Well…pull yourself together then!

Patient: Docter, Docter! People keep ignoring me!
Docter: NEXT!!!

Patient:Docter, Docter! I feel like a index!
Docter:Ill have a WORD with you later!

Patient: Docter, Docter! I fell like a pair of curtains!
Docter: Well…pull yourself together then!

Patient: Docter, Docter! People keep ignoring me!
Docter: NEXT!!!

Patient:Docter, Docter! I feel like a index!
Docter:Ill have a WORD with you later!

Patient: Doctor, Doctor, I broke my arm in two places!
Doctor: Stay out of them places!

Doctor: Well, I have some bad news and some really bad news.
Guy: Well, give me the really bad news first.
Doctor: You have cancer, and only 6 months to live.
Guy: And the bad news?
Doctor: You have Alzheimer’s disease.
Guy: Thank God. I was afraid I had cancer!

Patient: Well, give me the bad news first.
Doctor: You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left.
Patient: OH NO! That’s awful! In two years, my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this???
Doctor: You also have Alzheimer’s. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you.

Patient: My hair keeps falling out. What can you give me to keep it in?
Doctor: A shoebox.

Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I’m under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people.
Doctor: Tell me about your problem.
Patient: I just did, didn’t I, you stupid SOB!!!!!

Patient: Doctor, I have a serious memory problem. I can’t remember anything!
Doctor: So, since when did you have this problem?
Patient: What problem?

Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you to improve your memory?
Patient: What pills?

Patient: Doctor, should I file my nails?
Doctor: No, throw them away like everybody else.

Patient: Doctor, what I need is something to stir me up; something to put me in a fighting mood. Did you put something like that in this prescription?
Doctor: No need for that. You will find that in your bill

Patient: My wife beats me, doctor
Doctor: Oh dear. How often?
Patient: Every time we play Scrabble!

Patient: My tongue tingles when I touch it to a cracked walnut wrapped in used toaster oven aluminum foil, what’s wrong with me?
Doctor: You have far too much free time.

Doctor: Nurse, how is that little boy doing, the one who swallowed ten quarters?
Nurse: No change yet.

Nurse: Doctor, there is an invisible man in your waiting room.
Doctor: Tell him I can’t see him now.

Nurse: Doctor, there is a man in the waiting room with a glass eye named Brown.
Doctor: What does he call his other eye?

Patient: Doctor, I think I need glasses.
Teller: You certainly do. This is a bank.

Prisoner: Look here, doc! You’ve already removed my spleen, tonsils, adenoids, and one of my kidneys. I only came to see if you could get me out of this place!
Doctor: I am, bit by bit.

Doctor: You’re in good health. You’ll live to be 80.
Patient: But, doctor, I am 80 right now.
Doctor: See, what did I tell you.

Patient: I get so nervous and frightened during driving tests!
Doctor: Never mind, you’ll pass eventually.
Patient: But I’m the examiner!

Patient: Doc, will I be able to read with these glasses?
Doctor: You sure will.
Patient: That’s great! I never could read before.

Patient: I always see spots before my eyes.
Doctor: Didn’t the new glasses help?
Patient: Sure, now I see the spots much clearer.

Doctor: You need glasses.
Patient: But I’m wearing glasses, Doc.
Doctor: Then I need glasses.

Son (S) : Why is making love so enjoyable?
Father (F) : It is just like the sensation when you are digging your nose with your finger!!

S : Why do women enjoy sex more than man?
F : It is because when you dig your nose, your nose feels more comfort than your finger.

S: Why do women hate it when they get raped?
F: It is like when you are walking on the street, someone else come over and dig your nose, do you like it??

S: Why woman cannot have sex when they are having menstruation?
F: If your nose is bleeding, do you still dig it??

S: Why man do not like to wear condoms when they are making love?
F: Do you like to dig your nose with a glove on your finger.

S: Why are making love carried out in private?
F: Will you dig you nose in front of your class? Stupid!

S: What is an orgasm?
F: The same as sneezing. but the the other way round

S: Is it true that women love big dicks?
F: Ever tried picking your nose with your thumb?

S: What’s anal sex?
F: Picking your mouth.

Two Aliens land in Detroit.

The Aliens waddle out of their ship and look around. The first thing they see that resembles a being is the Gas pump. The two Aliens approach. The first one says “Earthling take me to your leader!”

He gets no response. The first Alien looks at his buddy then addresses the pump again. “Earthling, I said Take me to your leader!” Still no response.

The first Alien then turns to the second and says “If this Earthling doesn’t show me some respect I’m going to blast him!” . The second Alien replies “O.K. but, I’m just going to stand down on the next block.”

The first Alien looks a little puzzled, but waits for the other to waddle to the next block. He then addresses the pump a third time. “Earthling take me to your leader!” No response.

The Alien then pulls out his ray-gun and shoots the pump.

After the explosion the Alien gets up dusts himself off then goes down the block to his buddy, He then says to the second Alien “If you knew that was going to happen why didn’t you warn me?”

The second replies ” I didn’t know what was going to happen, but I’m not going to mess with anyone who’s penis can hang to the ground, wrap around his body twice, and still stick it in his ear!”

A farmer has three sons. One day, his oldest boy comes to him and pleads with him that he is graduating from school and would really like to get a car.

His father says, “Son, come with me.” He takes him to the barn and points to the farm tractor and says, “That tractor is needed here on the farm and I promise that as soon as it’s paid for, we’ll get you a car.” The boy was not too happy but he did understand that situation and said, “Okay, Dad.”

A week later, his second born son approaches him wanting a new two-wheel bicycle. Well, he gets the same excuse “as soon as that tractor is paid for.”

A few days later son number 3, his youngest, comes bugging him for a tricycle. Again, ‘ol Dad gives him the lecture about the tractor being paid for first.

While leaving the barn, the young boy, more than a little disgusted with the whole thing, sees a rooster mating with one of the hens and promptly goes over and kicks the rooster smooth off the hen’s back, mumbling to himself the whole time.

His dad says, “Son, why on earth would you do something like that? He didn’t do anything to you to deserve that!” The little boy looks his Dad right square in the eye and says, “Hey, nobody rides anything around here until that damn tractor is paid for.”

The young man at the summer resort, who had become engaged to the pretty girl, received information that led him to question her:

“Is it true that since you came up here you’ve got engaged to ‘Billy, Ed, George and Harry, as well as me?”

The young lady assumed an air of disdain.

“What is that to you?” she demanded.

Just this,” he replied. “If it’s so, and you have no objections, we fellows will all chip in together to buy an engagement ring.”

A man walks into a Pharmacy and says to the beautiful female teller, “Umm… err, I’ve never purchased condoms before, and I don’t know what size to buy.”

“That’s okay. You can test your size on the fence out in back.”

So the man walks out back and he sees three holes. Just as he prepares to stick his penis in the first hole, the beautiful teller sneaks over to the other side of the fence. The man sticks his penis through the first hole where it is gently caressed by the teller. Then he pulls it it out and sticks it through the second hole where the teller begins to suck his penis and give him a blow job. Then, finally, he pulls it out and sticks it in the third hole. The teller takes her vagina, wraps it around his penis, and begins to hump it. She quickly pulls up her pants and scurries back inside where the man is begining to stumble back in.

She starts to giggle and says, “Have you decided on the appropriate size?”

“Screw the condoms! Just give me 3 yards of that fence!”