World Free Stuff

Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressed, it doesn’t matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.

85 years of age, Daryl married Lou Anne, a lovely 25-year-old.

Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Daryl should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities, Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the
expected knock on the door. Sure enough, the knock comes, the door opens and there is Daryl, her 85-year-old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Daryl takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door and it’s Daryl. Again, he is ready for action. Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents. When the newlyweds are done, Daryl kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but – you guessed it – Daryl is back again, rapping on the door, fresh as a 25-year-old and ready for more action. Once again they enjoy each other. As Daryl gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, “I’m impressed you can perform so well and so often I’ve been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Daryl.”

Daryl, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says, “You mean, I was here already?”

A farmer buys a young rooster to impregnate his chickens. The young rooster struts into the barn and yells to the old rooster, “Get out, old man! This is my barn now!”

“Tell you what,” says the old rooster. “I’ll race you around the farm; winner gets all the chicks.”

The old rooster takes off toward the front of the house with the young rooster chasing him. The farmer takes one look at the roosters, pulls out his shotgun, and blows the young one away.

“Dammit,” says the farmer. “That’s the third gay rooster I’ve bought this month!

After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn’t want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. “A less costly alternative,” said the doctor, “is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.”

The Alabamian said to the doctor, “I may not be the smartest
tool in the shed, but I don’t see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.”

“Trust me,” said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!

“1″

“2″

“3″

“4″

“5″

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Louisiana, Arkansas, Mississippi, Missouri, Florida, West Virginia and Washington DC.