World Free Stuff

A farmer was sitting in a bar getting drunk.

A man came in and asked the farmer, “Hey, why are you sitting here, on this beautiful day, getting drunk?”

The farmer shook his head and replied, “Some things you just can’t explain.”

“So what happened that’s so horrible?”, the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.

“Well,” the farmer said, “Today, I was sitting by my cow, milking her.

Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket.”

“Okay,” said the man, “but that’s not so bad.”

“Some things you just can’t explain,” the farmer replied, “I took her left leg and tied it to the post on her left.

Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.”

The man laughed, “Again?”

The farmer nodded, and replied, “Some things you just can’t explain.

I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.

Well I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail. Some things you just can’t explain.”

“So, what did you do?”

“Well,” the farmer said, “I didn’t have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter.

At that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in…Some things you just can’t explain.”

At a Senior Citizen’s luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.

Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day. The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,

“Do you want to go up or down?”

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat !

When they finished, the man couldn’t believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he’d had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river.

He again asked the lady, “Up or down ?”

There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day.

She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, “Up or down?”

The woman replied, “Down.”

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady,”Up or down ?”

She replied, “Up.”

This really confused the gentleman so he asked, “What’s the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!”

She replied, “Well, yesterday I wasn’t wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were “fuck or drown.”

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four-hour, surgical procedure.

A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

“Nurse”, he mumbles, from behind the mask. “Are my testicles black?”

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, “I don’t know, Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet.

He struggles to ask again, “Nurse, are my testicles black?”

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says, “There’s nothing wrong with them, Sir!”

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, “Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely……

A r e – m y – t e s t s – r e s u l t s – b a c k?”

Ah Beng and Ah Seng, two privates in the Army had been promoted after a
lengthy period. Ah Seng was still having problems grasping the new
privileges granted to corporals.

Ah Beng: “Ah Seng, come tonight we watch movie!”
Ah Seng: “But how can, we must stay in mah, all private stay in!”
Ah Beng: “No no no, now we is not private, now we is corporal mah!”

Another day…

Ah Beng: “Ah Seng, come we go tar pao nasi ayam!(package food)”
Ah Seng: “Eh how can, we must eat at mess what, private all eat at mess!”
Ah Beng: “No no no, now we is not private, now we is corporal!”

Another day…

Ah Beng and Ah Seng had enjoyed their evening around the red light district area,
where they drank and had a hearty meal. As they were walking through the
several lorongs, Ah Beng caught the eye of a particularly voluptous
prostitute and decided to approach her.

Ah Beng: “Eh, how much ah?”
Pros: “Sorry ah, i got gonorrhea!”

Ah Beng had no idea what this medical term meant and consulted the equally
oblivious Ah Seng. He then sent Ah Seng to the nearest bookshop to acquire
the answer from a dictionary.

5 minutes later, Ah Seng ran back and told Ah Beng that it was okay. Ah
Beng proceeded to have his way with the prostitute and they left.

A WEEK LATER -

Ah Beng was warded in the hospital and Ah Seng came to visit.

Ah Beng: “Ah Seng ah, God DAmn U ah! You told me can, but you see what happen to
my soldier!”
Ah Seng: “B-but, Ah Beng, i see dictionary, dictionary say okay what!”
Ah Beng: “You take the dictionary read to me the meaning of ‘gonorrhea’!”
Ah Seng: “Ah… Okay, gonorrhea. ‘A sexually transmitted disease which
affects the privates.’”

Ah Seng: “But Ah Beng… We is corporal mah!”

Manager asked to Muthu at an interview
Can you spell a word that
has more than 100 letters in it? Muthu
replyed:
P-O-S-T-B-O-X.

After returning back from a foreign trip, Muthu asked
his wife, Do I
look like a foreigner?
Wife: No! Why?
Muthu: In London
a lady asked me Are you a foreigner?

One tourist from U.S.A. asked to
Muthu:
Any great man born in this village???
Muthu: no sir, only small
Babies!!!

Lecturer: write a note on Gandhi Jayanthi
So Muthu writes,
“Gandi was a great man, but I don’t know who is
Jayanthi.

Muthu was
doing experiment with cockroach, first he cut it’s one leg and
told WALK.
WALK. Cockroach walked. Then he cut it’s second leg and told
the same.
Cockroach walked. Then cut the third leg and did the same. At
last he cut
it’s fourth leg and ordered it walk! But cockroach didn’t
walk. Suddenly
Muthu said loudly, “I found it. If we cut cockroach’s
four legs, it becomes
deaf.

On a political rally Muthu was arrested.
Why??? A woman
journalist walking with a badge wrote “PRESS” and He did
it..

When
Muthu was traveling with his wife in an auto, the driver adjusted
mirror.
Muthu shouted, “You are trying to see my wife? Sit back. I
will
drive.

Muthu went in a hotel. To wash hands he went to the
washbasin. There he
started washing the basin. Seeing this, the manager
asked what was he
doing. Muthu pointed towards the board “WASH
BASIN”

Interviewer: just imagine your in 3rd floor, it caught fire and
how will
you escape?
Muthu: its simple. I will stop my
imagination!!!

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke,
when it starts to rain.

One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that?

Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she
is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of
condom she prefers.

“Doesn’t matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.”

The pharmacist fainted.