World Free Stuff

but I think I see Jesus

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!”

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

Now that I have your attention:

Lols sorry to all those american people who are reading this =D

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American.

She asks her students to raise their hands if they were American too.

Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks.

There is, however, one exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd.

The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

“Because I am not an American.”

“Then”, asks the teacher, “What are you?”

“I’m a proud Canadian,” boasts the little girl.

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a Canadian.

“Well, my mom and dad are Canadians, so I’m a Canadian too.”

The teacher is now angry. “That’s no reason,” she says loudly. “What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?”

A pause, and a smile. “Then,” says Kristen, “I’d be an American.”

Two guys meet up in a bar. The first one asks, “Did your hear the news – Mike is dead??!!!”

“Woah, what the hell happened to him?”

“Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn’t brake properly and boom – He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof – Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window.”

“What a horrible way to die!”

“No no, he survived that, that didn’t kill him at all. So, he’s landed in my upstairs bedroom and he’s all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He’s just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones.”

“What a way to go, that’s terrible!”

“No no, that didn’t kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him.”

“Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!”

“No no, that didn’t kill him, he even survived that. So he’s on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him.”

“Man, what a way to go!”

“No no, he survived that, he survived that! He’s lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn’t mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him.”

“Now that is one awful way to go!”

“No no, he survived that…”

“Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?”

“I shot him!”

“You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?”

“He was wrecking my house.”

A blonde was sick and tired of people making fun of her for being a blonde, so she decided to hang herself.

A couple minutes later two men walk by and see her hanging by her wrists.

“What are you doing.” they ask her.

So she replies “Hanging myself.”

The men are confused and asked “If you are hanging youself, you put the rope around your neck.”

The blond says “Duh….I tried that, I couldn’t breath.”

Three men went to hell.

The devil said to them “You have come to hell, and you must now choose whether to spend eternity in room 1, 2 or 3″

He then opened the doors to the three rooms.

Room 1 was filled with men standing on their heads, on a hard wooden floor.

Room 2 was filled with men standing on the heads, on a cement floor.

Finally, room 3 had just a few men, standing in shit up to their knees and drinking coffee.

The men thought for a while, and decided to go with room 3, as it was less crowded and they could drink coffee.

They entered the door to room 3 and just as it was closing behind them, the devil said “OK men, coffee break’s over. Back on your heads.”

Kate was standing in the kitchen cooking dinner.
Her husband Paul was in the living room drinking a beer and watching the game.
Honey, you need to come in here and fix the fridge. The door is broke and if you don’t fix it the food will go bad. Kate said.
Paul yells back, “Who do I look like the GE man, I Don’t think so.”
A little while later Kate says, “Honey, you need to fix the hall light, it’s out.” “Who do I look like an electrician, I don’t think so, ” Paul says.
A few minutes later Kate says, “Honey, you need to fix the porch step before someone gets hurt on it.”
Paul quickly replies, “Who do I look like a carpenter, I don’t think so.”
Frustrated, he gets up and leaves.
He decides to go to a bar down the road.
After the game was over, he began to feel slightly guilty for the way he treated his wife so he went on home.
He comes up the porch and realizes that the step is fixed.
He walked into the house and noticed that the hall light was fixed.
He walked into the kitchen to get a cold beer and noticed that the fridge was fixed.
Paul sees his wife and says, “Babe, how did you fix all this.”
She looked at him and said, “Well after you left I began to cry on the porch. A fine young man walked past and noticed I was crying and he asked me what he could do to help.
He fixed everything.
I asked him what I could do for payment.
He said I could either bake him a cake or sleep with him.”
Paul says, “Well, what kind of cake did you bake him?”
Kate looks at him and replies, “Who do I look like Betty Crocker, I don’t think so!”

A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door. The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side.

She is wearing a fireman’s hat and has the wagon tied to a dog. The fireman says “Hey little girl. What are you doing?” The little girl says “I’m pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!”

The fireman walks over to take a closer look. “Little girl that sure is a nice fire truck!” the fireman says. “Thanks mister”, says the little girl. The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little girl has tied the dog to the wagon by it’s testicles.

“Little girl”, says the fireman, “I don’t want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog’s neck I think you could go faster.”

The little girl says, “You’re probably right mister, but then I wouldn’t have a siren!”

The town fathers were looking for a way to increase attendance and participation at their regular meetings. One member suggested bringing in a hypnotist. The officials agreed, a famous hypnotist was hired, publicity distributed, and everyone was pleased.

A few weeks later the meeting hall was packed, and the town’s people sat fascinated as the hypnotist withdrew a pocket watch. The hypnotist began chanting… “Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch…”

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly the hypnotist’s fingers slipped and the watch fell to the floor…

“Shit” said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the town hall.