World Free Stuff

Some of you probably already seen it … I saw it earlier in polish version and made me laugh so hard ^^

A guy walks into a bar with his dog and says, “I’ll have a Scotch and water and my dog would like a whiskey sour.”
The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t allow animals in here.” The dog replies, “Hey, I’m tired of being discriminated against. Just give me a drink.”

The bartender says, “Oh, no, not another ventriloquist with the old talking dog trick. Both of you, get out of here!”

“No, no, no, this isn’t a trick, I promise you,” says the man, “I tell you what, I’ll go for a walk around the block and you talk to Rover here.”

The man leaves and the bartender sees him turn the corner. “Now, can I have my drink.” says the dog.

The bartender is amazed. “Sure you can and it’s on the house! Listen, can you do me a favor? My wife works next door at the cafe. It’ll make her day if you go in and order a cup of coffee. Here’s ten bucks and you can keep the change afterwards.”

“Okay.” says the dog and he takes the ten dollars and leaves.

Ten minutes go by and the dog doesn’t come back. The owner returns and asks where is the dog. So both of them go off to see what happened to the dog. As they approach the cafe, they see Rover going at it hot and heavy with a French poodle in the alley between the bar and cafe. The owner shouts, “Rover! What are you doing! You’ve never done this before!”

The dog shrugged. “Hell, I’ve never had any money before.”

A man and his wife went to the company Christmas party where the man has a little too much to drink.

He staggers down the stairs, completely hung over, and makes his way to the breakfast bar. His wife poors him a cup of coffee.

With his head in his hand, he asks “Damn, honey.” “What happened last night?”

She replies, “It wasn’t a pretty sight.”

He asks, “What do you mean?”

“Well” she replies, “You were not on your best behavior and your boss was extremely upset.”

“He was”, he moans.

“Yes” she replies, “He sure was.”

“Aahhh, PISS ON HIM!” he says.

“You did,” she replies. “Honey, You got fired last night.”

“I got fired?” he questions.

“Yes” she answers “You got fired”

“Aahhh, FUCK HIM!” he says.

She replies, “I did, you start back Monday morning!”

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, “Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink.”

They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore.

The male was enraged that they were going to get away and said to the female, “lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore.” At this point, the male whale realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.

“What’s the matter darling?”

“Look,” she said, “I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen.”

Three mice are sitting at a bar late at night in a pretty rough neighborhood trying to impress each other about how tough they are.
The first mouse downs a shot of scotch, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, “When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese.”

The second mouse orders up two shots of bourbon, downs them both, slams each glass into the bar, turns to the first mouse, and replies, “Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day.”

The first and second mice turn to the third mouse. He lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, “I don’t have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and screw the cat.

A married man was visiting his “girlfriend” when she requested that he shave his beard. “Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face.”
James replied, “My wife loves this beard, I couldn’t possibly do it, she would kill me!!”

“Oh please?” the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice…

“Oh really, I can’t,” he replies…”My wife loves this beard!!”

The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighs and finally gives in. That night James crawls into bed with his wife while she was sleeping.

The wife is awakened somewhat, feels his face and replies “Oh Michael, you shouldn’t be here, my husband will be home soon!”

A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.
‘Just where the heck do you think you’re going!’, said the man.
‘I’m going to Las Vegas’, said the wife, ‘I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!
‘The man said, ‘Wait a minute!’, and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.
‘Where the heck are you going?’, said the wife.
The man said, ‘I want to see how you’re gonna live on $800 a year!’

(continue reading…)

This is really worth watching.