World Free Stuff

A blonde girl and her boyfriend were walking down the road when her boyfriend spotted a dead bird. He said: “Aww, look at that dead bird,” the blonde girl looks up and says: “Where?”

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, “Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?”
The kid replies, “Yeah.”
The cop says, “Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike.”
The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, “By the way, that’s a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?”
Humoring the kid, the cop says, “Yeah, he sure did.”
The kid continued, “Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top.”

On a plane bound for New York, a flight attendant approaches a blonde sitting in the first class seats and asks her to move to economy since she doesn’t have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to New York and I’m not moving.” The flight attendant asks the co-pilot to speak with her but again the blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to New York and I’m not moving.” The co-pilot asks the captain what should he do. The captain says, “I’m married to a blonde. I know how to handle this.” He goes and whispers in the blonde’s ear and she immediately jumps up and runs to the economy section. “What did you say?” asks the flight attendant. The captain replies, “I told her the first class section wasn’t going to New York.”

A ventriloquist is telling blonde jokes in a bar when one of his audience, a young blonde lady, stands up and complains. “I’ve heard just about enough of your lousy blonde jokes!” she shouts. “What makes you think you can stereotype women this way? What does a person’s hair colour have to do with their worth as a human being?” The ventriloquist is very embarrassed and starts to apologize. The blonde then interrupts, “Stay out of it, mister! I’m talking to the little bastard on your knee!”

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn’t need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.