World Free Stuff

There’ll be carloads of Louises
From Parisian stripteases
Importing foul diseases
Into Kent.
There’ll be modern French Wells Fargoes
Sending juggernauts with cargoes
Of frogslegs and escargots
And men’s scent.

There’ll be Dutchmen too, by jingo,
Who’ll refuse to speak the lingo,
Coming over for the bingo
And the dogs.
And through this umbilical,
Seeking knickers from St. Michael,
Girls from Rotterdam will cycle
In their clogs.

There’ll be Danes on every corner
Faces pink after a sauna,
trying hard to sell us porno
Graphic books.
There’ll be men like Julius Caesar
Getting in without a visa
Careless architects from Pisa
Bloody crooks.

(continue reading…)

It is truly astounding what havoc students can wreak upon the chronicles of the human race. I have pasted together the following “history” of the world from genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eighth grade through college level.

Read carefully, and you will learn a lot:

Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummmies, and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation.

The pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain. The Egyptians built the pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube.

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, “Am I my brother’s son?”

God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother’s birthmark. Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his 12 sons to be patriarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob’s sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.

Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horribel death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello’s interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance.

The government of England was a limited mockery. From the womb of Henry VIII Protestionism was born. He found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee.

Queen Elisabeth was the “Virgin Queen.” As a queen she was a success. When Elisabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted “hurrah.” Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Amarillo.

It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy. Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees.

Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between, he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present.

Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.

Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

WAGIT is looking for motivated WHITE individuals, who meet our strict requirements, to participate and aid other WAGITS in completing common goals.

Requirements:

• White & Ugly.  You should look like a truck has just ran you over, and dragged you for 2 or more miles on the asphalt.  (Being a Skin-HEAD is a good start and is a PLUS!).
• Hate Just about everyone, and anyone who is smarter than you. (Which IS everyone, except others like you that is).
• Must enjoy walking the streets at night in a white sheet carrying mis-spelled banners, and chanting illiterate slogans against peaceful ETHNIC groups, not bothering anyone or anything.  (Voice like Wally George or Morton Downey is a PLUS).
• Must be willing to carry MAKE-SHIFT crosses drenched in flamable liquids, and be able to set them a-flame, with out lighting yourselves too.  (We loose more people this way!).
• Applicant must be over the age of 15, and recently been kicked out, dropped out, or fell out of high school. (Applicants who have Graduated from high school still qualify as long as they accomplished it by cheating, paying off, or threatening their teachers).
• You must be willing to disembowel unarmed ethnic people, (Except ethnic WHITES), in the name of, “PRESERVING OUR GREAT COUNTRY”, and for “GOD”.  (Being a member of a church that advocates any of the above, IS A BIG PLUS++++).
• Applicant must also be able to hold T.V. conferences and host talk shows directed toward the BIGOT in general.  (Again, working for Morton Downey, or Wally George is a BIG PLUS!!).

If you can answer yes, (Da, ya) to any of the above, we want to hear from you!
Please call as soon as possible.
For the first 500 people that qualify, you will receive this handsome jacket with the WAGIT logo

(White Are Good, It True!)

Call toll free 1-(800) BUT-WIPE, That’s 1-(800) 288-9473
CALL NOW!!!!

Remember our slogan:
“I wanted to be a WAGIT, now I are one!”

In this world, there are two sets of women: women that you would love to be
with, and women that would love to be with you.  THERE IS NO UNION OF THESE TWO SETS.

Any woman that you become extremely attracted to will tell you that you are
the best friend that a woman could ever have.

Being told that you are nice is:
the equivalent to her saying, “I wish that you were my brother.”
a curse.  her way of saying that “I hope we can just be friends”.
(continue reading…)

Two fellows were sitting in a coffee shop…suddenly the Town’s Fire
Alarm went off…one jumped up and headed for the door…his friend
shouted, “Hey, Tom, I didn’t know you were a fireman!”…Tom replied,
“I’m not, but my girl friend’s husband is!”…..

A student pushes a loaded shopping cart up to the express checkout
lane at a Cambridge grocery store.  The cashier looks at the cart,
looks at the student, looks at the “EXPRESS — EIGHT ITEMS OR LESS”
sign, and says to the student, “Are you from Harvard, where they
don’t know how to count?  Or MIT, where they don’t know how to read?”

-Rearrange political campaign signs
-Play Houdini with one of your siblings
-Clean and polish your belly button
-Wash a tree
-Name your child Edsel
-Give your cat a mohawk
-Mow your carpet
-Vacuum your lawn
-Rake your carpet
-Critique “Three’s Company”
-Play with matches
-Race ferrets
-Have a formal dinner at White Castle
-Change your mind
-Change it back
-Stand on your head
-Stand on someone else’s head
-See how long you can stay awake
-See how long you can sleep
-Speak with a forked tongue
-Shave a shrub
-Watch a car rust
-Rotate your carpet
-Set up your Christmas tree in April
-Be someone special
-Go back to square one
-Take the fifth
-Read the 1962 Des Moines white pages
-Learn Sanskrit
-Print counterfeit Confederate money
(continue reading…)

One thing that has always bugged me, and I’m sure it
does most of you, is to sit down at the dinner table
only to be interrupted by a phone call from a
telemarketer. I decided, on one such occasion, to try
to be as irritating as they were to me. The call was
from AT&T and it went something like this:
(swallowing)

Me: Hello
AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T…
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T…
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes This is AT&T…
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: YES! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron
please?
Me: May I ask who is calling?
AT&T: This is AT&T.
Me: OK, hold on.

(continue reading…)

The average American consumer is bombarded with hundreds of commercial
messages a day, and some experts claim that the average child sees and hears
100, 000 pitches before being old enough to attend school.  Sometimes it seems
that, in these messages, both the sponsors and the advertising agencies have
abandoned the struggfle to communicate clearly, washing their hands of sense
and meaning.

(continue reading…)

A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Departmental Manager
were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a
steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The
car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the
crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along
the mountainside. The car’s occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a
problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no
brakes. What were they to do?

“I know”, said the Departmental Manager, “Let’s have a meeting, propose
a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a
process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical
Problems, and we can be on our way.”

“No, no”, said the Hardware Engineer, “That will take far too long, and
besides, that method has never worked before. I’ve got my Swiss Army
knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car’s braking
system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way.”

“Well”, said the Software Engineer, “Before we do anything, I  think we
should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again.”