World Free Stuff

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day.

The daughter said to her mother, “My hands are freezing cold.”

The mother replied, “Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up.”

So the daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend and the boyfriend said “My hands are freezing cold.”

The girl said “Put them between my legs, the warmth of my body will warm them up”.

So he did and warmed his hands.

The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.

He said “My nose is cold.”

The girl replied “Put it between my legs, the warmth of my body will warm it up.”

So he did and his nose began to get warm.

He lifted his head up from between the girls legs and said “Do you know what? I think my penis is frozen solid”

The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, “Have you ever heard of a penis?”

Slightly concerned the mother said, “Why, yes. Why do you ask?”

The daughter replies, “Well they make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don’t they?”

One day there was this man that went to a beach completely naked even though the beach was a non-nude beach.

But the man thought and thought looking around. Nobody is here so he doesn’t care. He takes off his towel and lays down with a newspaper to cover his privates just in case.

Soon comes a little girl that asks “Sir, what’s under the newspaper?”

The man replies with “it’s a birdy and never ever touch it.”

He soon falls asleep.

Later on when he wakes up, he’s in the hospital feeling immense pain around his private area. The doctors ask what happened and all he could remember was the girl at the beach.

Later on the cops arrive at her house asking what she had done. She said “well I was playing with the birdy but then it spit this white stuff at me. I got really mad. So I broke it’s neck, stepped on it’s eggs, and burned it’s nest.”

A man walks into a fancy dress party wearing nothing but a jam jar on his penis. A woman walks up to him and says, “What are you supposed to be?” The man replies, “I’m a fireman.” Stunned, the woman asks him, “Oh? And how’s that?” The man replies, “Well, if you smash the glass and pull the knob, I’ll come as fast as I can.”

1. Cover your stump before you hump
2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
3. Don’t be silly, protect your willy
4. When in doubt, shroud your spout
5. Don’t be a loner, cover your boner
6. You can’t go wrong if you shield your dong
7. If you’re not going to sack it, go home and whack it
8. If you think she’s spunky, cover your monkey
9. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize
10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
11. She won’t get sick if you wrap your dick
12. If you go into heat, package your meat
13. While you’re undressing venus, dress up your penis
14. When you take off her pants and blouse, slip up your trouser mouse
15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member
16. Never, never deck her with an unwrapped pecker
17. Don’t be a fool, vulcanize your tool
18. The right selection will protect your erection
19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil
20. A crank with armor will never harm her
21. No glove, no love!

There was a little boy whose mother was about to have a baby. One day, the little boy walked in and saw his mother naked. He asked his mother what the hair between her legs was.
She responded, “It’s my wash cloth.”
Weeks later, after the mother had her baby, the young boy walked in on his mother again. While she was in the hospital, the doctor had shaved her “wash cloth.”
The boy asked, “What happened to your wash cloth?”
The mother responded, “I lost it.”
The little boy, trying to be helpful, set out to find his mother’s washcloth.
A few days later, he ran to his mother yelling and screaming, “I found your washcloth.”
The mother, thinking that the child was just playing, went along with the boy and asked, “Where did you find it?”
The boy answered, “The maid has it! She is washing daddy’s face with it.”

True Story from Houston Medical Center

A man went to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his penis.

According to the Nurse attending, the patient’s girl friend found the ring
in his pants pocket and she got so mad at him, she used petroleum jelly to
slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep.

I don’t know what’s worse:

1) Having your girl friend find out you’re married.
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.
3) Or finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.

A kid comes home from school and says to his mom, “Mom I’ve got a problem.”
She says “Tell me.” He tells her that the boys at school are using 2 words he doesn’t understand. She asks him what they are.
He says “well, pussy and bitch”.
She says “Oh That’s no big deal, pussy is a cat like our little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy.”
He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement. He says to his dad, “Dad the boys at school are using words I don’t know, and I asked mom and I don’t think she told me the exact meaning.
Dad says “Son, I told you never to go to mom with these matters, she cant handle them. What are the words?”
He tells him…pussy and bitch.
Dad says “OK” and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf, takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centerfold and says, “son, everything inside this circle, is pussy.”
“OK dad, so what’s a bitch?”
“Son” he says, “everything outside that circle.”

It’s the Spring in 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He’s
a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front
door, the girl’s father answers and invites him in.

“Carrie’s not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?” He says.

“That’s cool.” Says Bobby.

Carrie’s father asks Bobby what they’re planning to do. Bobby
replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda
shop or a movie.

Carrie’s father responds, “Why don’t you two go out and screw? I
hear all the kids are doing it.”

Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks
Carrie’s Dad to repeat it.

“Yeah,” says Carrie’s father, “Carrie really likes to screw;
she’ll screw all night if we let her!”

Well, this just made Bobby’s eyes light up, and his plan for the
evening was beginning to look pretty good.

A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little
poodle skirt and announces that she’s ready to go. Almost
breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the
front door.

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams
the door behind her, and screams at her father: “For Fuck sake Dad! It’s called the Twist!”

A German guy approaches a prostitute and says ” I vish to buy sex vit you”
“OK” says the girl, “I’ll charge 100 quid an hour”
“Is goot” says the German, “but I must varn you, I am a little kinky”
“No problem” she replies cautiously, “I can do a little kinky”

So off they go to the girl’s flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.

“I vant you to tie ze springs to each of your limbs.”

The girl finds this very strange, but complies, fastening the springs to her hands and knees.

“Now you vill get on your hans and knees.”

She duly does this, balancing on the springs.

“You vill please blow zis vistle as I make love to you.”

She finds all this very odd, but figures it’s harmless, and after all the guy is paying.

The sex is fantastic. She is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller. The climax is the most sensational she has ever experienced, and it is several minutes before she has recovered her breath.

Finally she gasps. “That was totally amazing……. what do you call that?”

“Ah”, says the German, “Four-sprung duck technique”