World Free Stuff

Don’t trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn’t die.” – a men’s room in Champaign, IL

“Do I know how fast I was going officer? Yeah, I do. I was doing a hundred and fifteen fuckin miles an hour because I have a huge red pepper of rage lodged into my sphincter muscle.” – Dennis Miller

“Hard work has a future. Laziness pays off now.” – Bumper Sticker

“If a man builds 1000 bridges and sucks 1 dick, no one calls him a bridge builder – they call him a cocksucker.” – Play It to the Bone

“If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs.” – David Daye

“Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him.” – Unknown

“I need to kill NH and Grey off quick so I don’t have to animate so much in M:WTF2″ – Ronald McDonald

“Valentine’s day doesn’t mean anything to me.” – The perfect girlfriend

“This puts the exchange rate at around 15,000 to 25,000 Ultima Online gold units to the U.S. dollar, making a unit of Ultima gold nearly equal in value to the Vietnamese dong.” -Dell News (page 2)

“What do you mean I can’t sell castle deeds I create on Ebay?” – GM Darwin circa 1999

“The more I deal with women, the more I realize that masturbation is king.” – Nighthawk

“If you get to be thirty-five and your job still involves wearing a name tag, you’ve probably made a serious vocational error.” – Dennis Miller

“Canada is a place for prostitutes and their chlamydia-infected clients and it’s a damn good thing they have nationalized health care.” – Bastard test

“Don’t knock masturbation. It’s sex with someone I love.” – Woody Allen

“Women do not snore, burp, sweat or fart. Therefore, they must bitch or they will blow up.” – anon

“If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.” – George Carlin

“Me fail English? That’s unpossible!” – Ralph Wiggum (The Simpsons)

“Some people should die… that’s just unconscious knowledge.” – Jane’s Addiction – Pig’s In Zen

“They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn’t your biggest problem.” – George Carlin

“I’m going to get a racing stripe tatoo’d on my cock.” – Ainvar (at the JoV Gathering)

“Don’t say anything bad about someone until you’ve walked a mile in his shoes. That way, when you say something bad, you’re a mile away, and you’ve got his shoes.” – Jack Handey – Deep Thoughts (SNL)

“<@Logan> I spent a minute looking at my own code by accident.
<@Logan> I was thinking “What the hell is this guy doing?”" – Some random IRC guy

“Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.” – Steven Wright

“I love to go to the schoolyard and watch the children jump and scream, but they don’t know I’m using blanks.” – Jack Handey – Deep Thoughts (SNL)

“Sure, its class based gayness, but at least I get to kill people.” – Joe – Speaking about DAoC

“<NyseriA> Things I’ve learned about war from videogames: If you find yourself mortally wounded by an enemy sniper be sure to let him know that he is a faggot.” – IRC Quote

“The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it.” – George Bernard Shaw

“When it becomes a crime to love, you should probably consider dating outside the family.” – Unknown

“They say a smile is a gift that is free to the giver and precious to the recipient. But giving the finger is free, too, and I find it more personal and sincere.” – Unknown

“You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper out there is white and the best golfer is black.” – Chris Rock

[While discussing his career mistakes] “All of the younger actors keep coming up to me and asking me where all of the land mines are because they know I’ve stepped on them all.” – Burt Reynolds

“‘Tis better to be silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.” – Abraham Lincoln

[speaking of someone who's Internet-brave] “If he spoke to me like that irl, I’d be seeing if I could fit him inside a Wendy’s biggie-size cup.” – IRC Quote

“Only two things are infinite.. the universe, and human stupidity. And I”m not sure about the former.” – Albert Einstein

“That’s enough of that shit.” – Clint Eastwood (directing) after a take, instead of “Cut!”

“Everyone has two cents, but it’s only worth taking from very few people. Most people just swallowed a couple pennies and expect you not to mind when they come out covered in shit.” – Azaroth in his Gamemethod.com interview

“I plan to live forever. So far so good.” – Steven Wright

“Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.” – Oscar Wilde

“Men are like cement… after getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.”
“Women are like a carpet… lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them forever.” – Both Unknown

“The U.S. Government today changed its emblem from an eagle to a condom because it more accurately reflects the government’s political stance. Condoms stand up to inflation, halt production, destroy the next generation, protect pricks, and give a sense of security while actually screwing you!” – Unknown

“I am trying to see things from your perspective but I just can’t get my head that far up my ass.” – Mike Adams

“The difference between intelligence and stupidity is that intelligence has its limits.” – Unknown

“Stephen Hawking wasn’t even smart enough to dodge my pee.” – Joe (slightly drunk)

“Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.” – Douglas Adams

“Beer… the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.” – Homer Simpson

“If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.” – Arthur McAuliff

“You’re about as useful as a poopie-flavored lollipop.” – Rip Torn (in Dodgeball)

“Dreaming frees the soul, energizes the spirit and allows you to do things that would get your ass thrown in jail if you really tried them.” – Unknown

“Hurricanes are like women – when they come, they’re wet and wild, and when they leave they take your house and car.” – Unknown

“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.” – Albert Einstein

“I believe that sex is the most beautiful, natural, and wholesome thing that money can buy.” – Steve Martin

“Having sex with two girls at once is so hot, even gay men fantasize about it.” – Phil from ConsumptionJunction.com

“I can resist everything except temptation.” – Oscar Wilde

“Intelligence is alcohol soluble.” – Unknown

1. There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

2. If at first you don’t succeed; call it version 1.0

3. I’m not anti-social; I’m just not user friendly

4. My Pokemon bring all the nerds to the yard, and they’re like you wanna trade cards? Darn right, I wanna trade cards, I’ll trade this but not my charizard

5. My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.

6. Roses are #FF0000
Violets are #0000FF
All my base
Are belong to you

7. A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history – with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.

8. Microsoft: “You’ve got questions. We’ve got dancing paper clips.”

9. In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?

10. I would love to change the world, but they won’t give me the source code

11. The speed of sound is defined by the distance from door to computer divided by the time interval needed to close the media player and pull up your pants
when your mom shouts “OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!”

12. UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

13. You know it’s love when you memorize her IP number to skip DNS overhead.

14. 1f u c4n r34d th1s u r34lly n33d t0 g37 l41d

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are some priceless quotes:……

*I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, “How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?” I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn’t say a word. He knew better*.

*I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women’s type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good- looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, “I think I like playing with men’s balls.”

*My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, “No, I’m just looking at your nuts.” My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

*Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said, “No.” I kept thinking, “Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don’t have any clothes with me.” Then I said, “Dan!, are you SURE you didn’t have an accident?” “No,” he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, “Danny, did you have an accident?” This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. “SEE MOM, IT’S JUST FARTS!!” While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they’d ever had!

*This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don’t get any? A true story. We had a female news anchor who the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn’t, turned to the weatherman and asked: “So Bob, where’s that 8 inches you promised me last night?” Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too!

*While on a flight from New York, the Stewardess was busy passing out peanuts and cokes to everyone. There were about sixteen flights lined up waiting to get clearance to take off. Then the other Stewardess got a message from the Pilot that the tower said the wind had changed 180 degrees and they were first in line to take off, and t o have everyone buckle up. Without thinking she just announced “Please buckle up, grab your drinks and hold your nuts, we’re taking off”, No one saw her for the rest of the flight to Houston, and all the other Stewardesses were laughing all the way and half of the passengers.

*I was working in an aquarium, when some new guy who was recently hired was given the task of feeding the fish. He started throwing in friggin peanuts! I walked up to him, looking angry, and said to him, “Goddamn it! They cant;t digest that! All they can do is lick your nuts!”. Needless to say, I quit.

“INTERNATIONAL INSTITUTE OF ANSWERING MACHINE ANSWERS”

1. My wife and I can’t come to the phone right now, but if you’ll leave
your name and number, we’ll get back to you as soon as we’re finished.

2. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we’re
not here. So, leave a message.

3. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the
money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial
aid institution, you didn’t lend me enough money. If you are my friends,
you owe me money. If you are a female, don’t worry, I have plenty of
money.

4. Hi. Now you say something.

5. Hi, I’m not home right now, but my answering machine is, so you can
talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.

6. Hello. I am David’s answering machine. What are you?

7. Hello! If you leave a message, I’ll call you soon. If you leave a
“sexy” message, I’ll call sooner

8. Hi! John’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator.
Please speak very slowly, and I’ll stick your message to myself with
some
of these magnets.

9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving
messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their
carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not
need their picture taken. If you’re still with me, leave your name and
number and they will get back to you.

10. This is not an answering machine – this is a telepathic
thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your
number and your reason for calling, and I’ll think about returning your
call.

11. Hi. I’m probably home, I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like. Leave
me a message, and if I don’t call back, it’s you.

12. Hi, this is George. I’m sorry I can’t answer the phone right now.
Leave a message and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

13. If you are a burglar, then we’re probably at home cleaning our
weapons
right now and can’t come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren’t
home
and it’s safe to leave a message.

14. Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain
silent.
Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

15. Hello, you’ve reached Jim and Sonya. We can’t pick up the phone
right now, because we’re doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes
doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right … real slowly.
So leave a message, and when we’re done brushing our teeth we’ll get
back
to you.

I’ve sometimes thought of marrying, and then I’ve thought again. -Noel Coward, 1956

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished. – Zsa Zsa Gabor

I’m an excellent housekeeper, Every time I get divorce; I keep the house – Zsa Zsa Gabor

Marriage is like pi – natural, irrational, and very important. – Lisa Hoffman.

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. – Jackie Mason.

Marriage is like a cage; ones see the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get out. – Montaigne

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher… and that is a good thing for any man. – Socrates

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. – Laua Turner

Marriage is a great institution, but I’m not ready for an institution. – Mae West

Marriage is a three-ring circus; engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering.

Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Therefore…

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

Marriage is when a man and a woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Marriages are made in heaven, But so again, are thunder and lightning.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the women he loves. After marriage, the “Y” becomes silent.

Do not marry a person that you know you can live with; only marry someone that you cannot live without.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
- David Bissonette

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
- Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other, but still they stay together.
– anonymous

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
– Dumas

The great question… which I have not been able to answer… is, “What does a woman want?
– Freud

“Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.”
- Henny Youngman

“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.”
- James Holt McGavran

“I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.”
- Patrick &

It’s true that all men are born free and equal, but some of them get married!
– anonymous

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
– anonymous

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you’re wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you’re right, shut up.
– Nash

My wife only has 2 complaints. Nothing to wear and not enough closet space.
– anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
– Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
– anonymous

[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system.
Dan Quayle (1947 – )

I just need enough to tide me over until I need more.
Bill Hoest

Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn’t block traffic.
Dan Rather (1931 – )

The trouble with fighting for human freedom is that one spends most of one’s time defending scoundrels. For it is against scoundrels that oppressive laws are first aimed, and oppression must be stopped at the beginning if it is to be stopped at all.
H. L. Mencken (1880 – 1956)

Skill without imagination is craftsmanship and gives us many useful objects such as wickerwork picnic baskets. Imagination without skill gives us modern art.
Tom Stoppard (1937 – ), “Artist Descending a Staircase”

The squeaking wheel doesn’t always get the grease. Sometimes it gets replaced.
Vic Gold

Among those whom I like or admire, I can find no common denominator, but among those whom I love, I can: all of them make me laugh.
W. H. Auden (1907 – 1973)

Now we sit through Shakespeare in order to recognize the quotations.
Orson Welles (1915 – 1985)

What a pity, when Christopher Colombus discovered America, that he ever mentioned it.
Margot Asquith

Those who would give up essential liberty to purchase a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.
Benjamin Franklin (1706 – 1790), Historical Review of Pennsylvania, 1759

To be great is to be misunderstood.
Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803 – 1882), An Essay on Self-Reliance

People everywhere confuse what they read in newspapers with news.
A. J. Liebling (1904 – 1963)