World Free Stuff

There’ll be carloads of Louises
From Parisian stripteases
Importing foul diseases
Into Kent.
There’ll be modern French Wells Fargoes
Sending juggernauts with cargoes
Of frogslegs and escargots
And men’s scent.

There’ll be Dutchmen too, by jingo,
Who’ll refuse to speak the lingo,
Coming over for the bingo
And the dogs.
And through this umbilical,
Seeking knickers from St. Michael,
Girls from Rotterdam will cycle
In their clogs.

There’ll be Danes on every corner
Faces pink after a sauna,
trying hard to sell us porno
Graphic books.
There’ll be men like Julius Caesar
Getting in without a visa
Careless architects from Pisa
Bloody crooks.

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Cartoon Law I.

Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made
aware of its situation.

Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland.
He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he
chances to look down.  At this point, the familiar principle
of 32 feet per second per second takes over.

(continue reading…)

As you are about see, all bad things are not  so  bad.   They
often  have an interesting or amusing side.  Looking at the bright
side of unfortunate situations may cause people to  remember  that
such bad  things exist yet often  people are in a position  to  do
something about it.

Because of our modern diet of food preservatives, undertakers
have  been noticing that dead people do not deteriorate as fast as
they once did.

If a man shaves with a razor he uses more energy than  if  he
uses  an  electric  shaver because of the power required to purify
and pump the water through his faucet.

Every weekday morning,  the  commuters  of  Los  Angeles  use
250,000  gallons  of  gas  getting  to work.  They drive 5 million
miles, which would be like one car driving to the moon and back 20
times, or around the earth 192 times.

(continue reading…)

C would be Judaism – it’s old and restrictive, but most of the world is familiar with its laws and respects them. The catch is, you can’t convert into it – you’re either into it from the start, or you will think that it’s insanity. Also, when things go wrong, many people are willing to blame the problems of the world on it.

Java would be Fundamentalist Christianity – it’s theoretically based on C, but it voids so many of the old laws that it doesn’t feel like the original at all. Instead, it adds its own set of rigid rules, which its followers believe to be far superior to the original. Not only are they certain that it’s the best language in the world, but they’re willing to burn those who disagree at the stake.

PHP would be Cafeteria Christianity – Fights with Java for the web market. It draws a few concepts from C and Java, but only those that it really likes. Maybe it’s not as coherent as other languages, but at least it leaves you with much more freedom and ostensibly keeps the core idea of the whole thing. Also, the whole concept of “goto hell” was abandoned.

C++ would be Islam – It takes C and not only keeps all its laws, but adds a very complex new set of laws on top of it. It’s so versatile that it can be used to be the foundation of anything, from great atrocities to beautiful works of art. Its followers are convinced that it is the ultimate universal language, and may be angered by those who disagree. Also, if you insult it or its founder, you’ll probably be threatened with death by more radical followers.

C# would be Mormonism – At first glance, it’s the same as Java, but at a closer look you realize that it’s controlled by a single corporation (which many Java followers believe to be evil), and that many theological concepts are quite different. You suspect that it’d probably be nice, if only all the followers of Java wouldn’t discriminate so much against you for following it.

Lisp would be Zen Buddhism – There is no syntax, there is no centralization of dogma, there are no deities to worship. The entire universe is there at your reach – if only you are enlightened enough to grasp it. Some say that it’s not a language at all; others say that it’s the only language that makes sense.

Haskell would be Taoism – It is so different from other languages that many people don’t understand how can anyone use it to produce anything useful. Its followers believe that it’s the true path to wisdom, but that wisdom is beyond the grasp of most mortals.

Erlang would be Hinduism – It’s another strange language that doesn’t look like it could be used for anything, but unlike most other modern languages, it’s built around the concept of multiple simultaneous deities.

Perl would be Voodoo – An incomprehensible series of arcane incantations that involve the blood of goats and permanently corrupt your soul. Often used when your boss requires you to do an urgent task at 21:00 on friday night.

Lua would be Wicca – A pantheistic language that can easily be adapted for different cultures and locations. Its code is very liberal, and allows for the use of techniques that might be described as magical by those used to more traditional languages. It has a strong connection to the moon.

Ruby would be Neo-Paganism – A mixture of different languages and ideas that was beaten together into something that might be identified as a language. Its adherents are growing fast, and although most people look at them suspiciously, they are mostly well-meaning people with no intention of harming anyone.

Python would be Humanism: It’s simple, unrestrictive, and all you need to follow it is common sense. Many of the followers claim to feel relieved from all the burden imposed by other languages, and that they have rediscovered the joy of programming. There are some who say that it is a form of pseudo-code.

COBOL would be Ancient Paganism – There was once a time when it ruled over a vast region and was important, but nowadays it’s almost dead, for the good of us all. Although many were scarred by the rituals demanded by its deities, there are some who insist on keeping it alive even today.

APL would be Scientology – There are many people who claim to follow it, but you’ve always suspected that it’s a huge and elaborate prank that got out of control.

LOLCODE would be Pastafarianism – An esoteric, Internet-born belief that nobody really takes seriously, despite all the efforts to develop and spread it.

Visual Basic would be Satanism - Except that you don’t REALLY need to sell your soul to be a Satanist..

- Gallic Wars
- Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian. [Or at ths time in history, a Roman -ed.]

- Hundred Years War
- Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; “France’s armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman.” Sainted.

- Italian Wars
- Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

- Wars of Religion
- France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

- Thirty Years War
- France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

- War of Revolution
- Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

- The Dutch War
- Tied

- War of the Augsburg League/King William’s War/French and Indian War
- Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

- War of the Spanish Succession
- Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

- American Revolution
- In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as “de Gaulle Syndrome”, and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; “France only wins when America does most of the fighting.”

- French Revolution
- Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

- The Napoleonic Wars
- Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

- The Franco-Prussian War
- Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France’s ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

- World War I
- Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States [Entering the war late -ed.]. Thousands of French women find out what it’s like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn’t call her “Fraulein.” Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

- World War II
- Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

- War in Indochina
- Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu

- Algerian Rebellion
- Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; “We can always beat the French.” This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

- War on Terrorism
- France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald’s.

The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be “Can we count on the French?”, but rather “How long until France collapses?”

“Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion. All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage.”

Or, better still, the quote from last week’s Wall Street Journal: “They’re there when they need you.”

A 13 year old from Texas who stole his Dad’s credit card and ordered two hookers from an escort agency, has today been convicted of fraud and given a three year community order.

Ralph Hardy, a 13 year old from Newark, Texas confessed to ordering an extra credit card from his father’s existing credit card company, and took his friends on a $30,000 spending spree, culminating in playing “Halo” on an Xbox with a couple of hookers in a Texas motel.

The credit card company involved said it was regular practice to send extra credit cards out as long as all security questions are answered.

The escort girls who were released without charge, told the arresting officers something was up when the kids said they would rather play Xbox than get down to business.

Police said they were alerted to the motel by a concerned delivery clerk, whom after delivering supplies of Dr Pepper, Fritos and Oreos had been asked by the kids where they could score some chicks and were willing to pay. They explained they had just made a big score at a “World of Warcraft” tournament and wanted to get some relaxation. On noting the boys age the delivery clerk informed the authorities.

When police arrived at the motel they found $3,000 in cash, numerous electronic gadgets, an Xbox video console with numerous games, and the two local escort girls.

Ralph had reportedly told police that his father wouldn’t mind, as it was his birthday last week and he had forgot to get him a present. The father, a lawyer said he had been too busy, but would take him on a surprise trip to Disneyland instead.

Asked why he ordered two escorts, Ralph said he thought it was the thing to do when you win a “World of Warcraft” tournament. They told the suspicious working girls they were people of restricted growth working with a traveling circus, and as State law does not allow those with disabilities to be discriminated against they had no right to refuse them.

The $1,000 a night girls sensing something up played “Halo” on the Xbox with the kids, instead of selling their sexual services.

Ralph’s ambition is to one day become a politician.

1. You will receive a body. You may like it or hate  it, but it will be yours for the entire period this time around.
2. You  will learn lessons.  You are enrolled  in a full-time  informal school called life.  Each day  in  this  school  you  will  have the opportunity to learn lessons. You may like the lessons or think them irrelevant and stupid.
3. There  are no mistakes, only  lessons. Growth is a  process of trial and error, experimentation.  The  “failed” experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiment that ultimately “works”.
4. A  lesson is repeated until  learned. A lesson will  be presented to you  in  various  forms  until you have learned it.  When  you  have learned it you can go on to the next lesson.
5. Learning  lessons does not end.  There is no part  of life that does not contain its lessons.  If you are  alive, there are lessons to be learned.
6. “There”  is no better  than “here.” When  your “there” has  become a “here” you will simply obtain another “there” that will, again, look better than “here”.
7. Others are merely mirrors of  you. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate about yourself.
8. What you make of your life is  up to you. You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to  you.  The choice is yours.
9. Your  answers lie inside  you. The answers  to life’s questions  lie inside you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust.
10. You will forget all this…

Passengers are required to read instruction before use.

1. The  toilet  is  of  the  standard  Zero-gravity  type.   Depending  on requirements, system A  and/or system B  can be used,  details of which are clearly marked in the toilet compartment.  When operating system A, depress  lever  and  a  plastic  dalkron  eliminator  will be dispensed thorough the slot immediately  underneath.  When you have  fastened the adhesive lib, attach to connection marked by the large “X” outlet hose. Twist the  silver coloured  ring one  inch below  the connection  point until you feel it lock.
2. The toilet is now ready for use.  The Sonovac cleanser is activated  by the small switch on the lip.  When securing, twist the ring back to its initial  condition,  so  that  the  two orange lines meet.  Disconnect. Place the  dalkron eliminator  in the  vacuum receptacle  to the  rear. Activate by pressing the blue button.
3. The controls for system  B are located on  the opposite wall.  The  red release switch places the uroliminor into position; It can be  adjusted manually up  or down  by pressing  the blue  manual release  button The opening is self adjusting.  To secure after use press the green  button which  simultaneously   activates  the   evaporator  and   returns  the uroliminator to its storage position.
4. You man leave the lavatory if the green exit light is on over the door. If the red light is illuminated, one of the lavatory facilities is  not properly secured.  Press the “stewardess”  call button to the right  of the  door.   She  will  secure  all  facilities  from her control panel outside.  When green exit light go on, you may open the door and leave. Please close the door behind you.
5. To use the Sonoshower, first undress and place all your clot hes in the clothes rack,  Enter the  shower.  On  the control  panel to your upper right upon  entering you  will see  a “Shower  seal” button.   Press to activate.  A green  light will then  be illuminated immediately  below. On  the  intensity  knob,select  the  desired setting.  Now depress the Sonovac activation lever.  Bath normally.
6. The sonovac will  automatically go off  after threw minutes  unless you activate the “Manual off” over-ride switch by flipping it up.  When you are ready to leave, press  the blue “Shower seal” release  button.  The door will open  and you may  leave.  Please remove  the velcro slippers and place them in their container.
7. If the red light  above this panel is  on, the toilet is  in use.  When the  green  light  is  illuminated  you  may  enter.  However, you must carefully  follow  all  instruction  when  using  the facilities during coasting (Zero G) flight.  Inside  there are three facilities: (1)  The Sonowasher, (2) The Sonoshower, (3) The Toilet.  All three are designed to be used under weightless conditions.  Please observe the sequence of operations for each individual facility.
8. Two modes for  washing your face  and hands are  available, The “moist-towel” mode and the “Sonovac” ultrasonic cleaner mode.  You may  select either mode by moving the appropriate lever to the “Activate” position. If  you  choose  the  “moist-towel”  mode, depress the indicated yellow button and withdraw item.  When you have finished, discard the towel in the  vacuum  dispenser,  holding  the  indicated  lever  in an “active” position until  the green  light goes  on…showering that  the rollers have passed the towel completely into the dispenser.  If you desire and additional towel, press the yellow button and repeat the cycle.
9. If  you  prefer  the  “Sonovac”  ultrasonic  cleaning mode, depress the indicated blue  button.  When  the twin  panels open,  pull forward  by rings A and B. For cleaning  the hands, use in this position.   Set the timer to  positions 10,  20, 30,  and 40…indicative  of the number of seconds required.  The knob to the left, just below the blue light  has three settings, low medium or high.  For normal use, the medium setting is suggested.
10. After these  settings have  been made,  you can  activate the device by switching to  the “ON”  position the  clearly marked  red switch.   If, during the washing  operation, you wish  to change the  settings, place the “manual off” over-ride switch  in the “OFF” position.  You  may now make the change and repeat the cycle.

From 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY by Arthur C. Clarke

Reprinted from the San Francisco Sunday Examiner and Chronicle

Nearly one in three American adults queried by the National Science Foundation said the sun revolves around the earth.

In another survey, youngsters between 8 and 12 were able to name more brands of alcoholic beverages than former presidents. One 11-year-old boy who named eight brands of beer and wine said there are 16 inches in a foot.

A gerbil was elected president of the student union at the University of East Anglia in England.

An animal rights group bought seven lobsters from a Chinese restaurant in Maryland and flew them to Maine, where a Coast Guard boat took them back to the ocean.

The president of New England’s largest electric utility was killed by lightning.

Two men in Sierra Leone dug up a 307-carat diamond–one of the largest ever found–and then broke it into three pieces while arguing over whether it was really a diamond.

Rhode Island’s Small Businessman of the Year was indicted on federal charges of racketeering and illegally dumping hazardous waste.

On her tour of America, Queen Silvia of Sweden asked heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey why Americans are so fat.

A bystander watching a despondent man prepare to leap to his death from a bridge above the Los Angeles River approached the jumper to ask for his car since “you’re not going to need it any more.”

More than 20 Little Leaguers in St. Petersburg, Fla., quit the organization in disgust after watching continuous brawls among their father-coaches.

President Reagan commissioned a Salt Lake City firm to create a jelly-bean-flavoured ice cream.

The White House proclaimed October as National AIDS Awareness Month on November 1.

The Department of Education refused to fund a Holocaust education programme for public schools because the curriculum did not take into account the Nazi and Ku Klux Klan points of view.

In confirming that Nancy Reagan consults an astrologer to shape the president’s appointment schedule, a White House aide said Reagan approved of the practice, but wanted it “kept very, very secret because he feared the public might misunderstand.

In a speech at the College of Southern Idaho, President-elect Bush said of Reagan:  “I’m proud to be his partner.  We’ve had triumphs.  We’ve made mistakes.  We’ve had sex.”  Bush later said he meant to say “setbacks.”

Mother Jones magazine revealed that Reagan, who has opposed laws guaranteeing safer meat, keeps a private herd of organically-fed, hormone-free cattle near his Santa Barbara ranch from which his table-meat is drawn.

A Toronto man was found not guilty of killing his mother-in-law when the jury accepted the defense theory that he drove 14 miles to her house, hit her with an iron bar and stabbed her while sleepwalking.

In San Jose, Calif., a woman was jailed for refusing to clear her small two-bedroom home of 25 tons of rotting, rat-infested garbage.  Members of the woman’s family said she hated to throw trash away because, “in the future, she might be able to use it for something else.”

A San Antonio man arrested for hiring an assassin to slay Mayor Henry Cisneros said he believed the U. S. constitution gave him the right to kill the city’s mayor if his policies were unsound.

A judge in Santa Ana, Calif., levied a $58 fine against a driver for a mortuary transport service who failed to convince the court that four frozen cadavers in his van were legal car-pool passengers.

A ten-year-old Tucson boy stole his mother’s car and drove it 65 miles to the Mexican border where he tried to sell it.

A Houston man, paralyzed from the neck down, killed his wife by mounting a pistol on his wheelchair and pulling the trigger by tugging on a string held in his mouth.

A Denver man, dissatisfied with the haircut he had just received–a total scalp-shave that left a bloody three-inch scar on the back of his head–returned to the salon and killed the barber.

In Ottawa, a man killed 22 neighborhood house cats, telling police he was distraught because his own cat had rejected him.

A jury in San Luis Obispo, Calif., awarded $6 million in damages to a woman whose jealous ex-husband, a gynecologist, sewed her vagina shut while she was undergoing a hysterectomy performed by another doctor.  Meanwhile, in Hong King, a woman went to jail after cutting off the tip of her sleeping
husband’s penis with a pair of scissors and flushing it down the toilet.  In both cases, the perpetrators were convinced their victims had been seeing other people.

A spokesman for the California Board of Dental Examiners revealed the board’s enforcement personnel carry guns because “There are some dentists out there who have a criminal kind of leaning.”

Herbert Connolly of Newton, Mass., got to the polls minutes late on Election Day and was unable to cast his ballot.  He lost his seat on the Massachusetts Governor’s Council by one vote.

The FBI said it had conducted six years of surveillance on a 17-year-old New Jersey student ever since, as a sixth-grader, he wrote to the Soviet Union asking for scientific information for a school project.

The city of Honolulu paid $100,000 to a man who had been forced by two police officers to bob for toads in a drainage ditch.

The Centers for Disease Control gave Baltimore a $48,000 grant to scoop up used condoms at a sewer treatment plant to count how many city residents use “safe sex” measures.

Michelle Corwin, San Francisco’s registrar of voters, quit abruptly three weeks before November’s election, which featured the longest ballot in the city’s history.  An “astonished” Chief Administrative Officer Rudy Nothenberg said, “Her letter indicated that, since she was planning to leave in January and because there was a lot of unpleasant work to be done between now and then, she would just leave now and save herself the
trouble.”

Media mogul Rupert Murdoch, whose Fox Television Network was presenting “The Late Show” hosted by comedian Arsenio Hall, was approached by Hall in the parking lot of a Los Angeles restaurant.  Murdoch handed Hall his valet parking stub and said, “It’s the green Jaguar.”

Giving new meaning to the term “white sale,” a chain store in Newark was found to have a memo posted by the cash register that read:  “If any black person returns any sheet sets, deny a cash voucher or exchange or credit for any reason.”

Touring Ireland, Michael Jackson refused to kiss the Blarney Stone, saying, “No way am I going to kiss that thing.  I might get AIDS or something worse.”

Nevada Gaming Control Board agents found a printing plate used by the Imperial Palace Casino in Las Vegas to print bumper stickers saying “Hitler Was Right.”  The agents also found a private room at the casino where owner Ralph Engelstad held private parties amidst his collection of Nazi war memorabilia.

In a TV interview, House of Representatives Republican leader Robert Michel bemoaned the end of black-face minstrel shows, saying, “I used to love to imitate Amos ‘n Andy.”

During a meeting with gay leaders in Garden Grove, Los Angeles County, the wife of U.S. Rep. Robert Dornan yelled, “Shut up, fag!” to a member of the audience.  She later apologized, saying she was distraught because her brother was dying of AIDS.  The brother volunteered for an HIV test arranged by the Los Angeles Times.  It was negative.

After a 19-year old black woman was found beaten to death with the letters “KKK” carved in her body, the Kingston, N.Y., district attorney said, “One investigative lead we are pursuing is that the murder may have been racially motivated.”

Federal agents in New York seized 5,000 pounds of pure cocaine and $2 million in case stuffed into bags labeled “Just Say No To Drugs.”

Mexican drug smugglers reportedly put out $30,000 contracts on Rocky, Duko, and Barco–three narcotics-sniffing dogs working the U.S.-Mexican border.  The dogs were thereupon fitted with bulletproof vests.

An Oakland woman was charged with assault after shooting her 16-year-old daughter because the youngster refused to sell her $20 worth of rock cocaine.

Coors paid a six-figure settlement to an Austin, Texas, police officer who seven years ago found the headless body of a mouse in a bottle of Coors beer he was drinking.  Since the incident, the policeman has been unable to watch television shows with beer commercials in them, has developed a fear of rodents that ended his hunting career and becomes physically ill when
arresting driving-while-intoxicated suspects who have liquor on their breath.

Los Angeles astrologer Rockie Gardiner said the planet that rules television is Uranus.

In the ultimate answer to those who think professional wrestling is faked, a 336-pound British grappler named Big Daddy killed his 350-pound opponent, King Kong Kirk, by executing his famous “splashdown” maneuver on the prostrate Kirk during a match in Great Yarmouth.  It took eight men to lift Kirk’s stretcher into the ambulance.

A 51-year-old Peoria woman went into her house, grabbed her husband’s souvenir bayonet and ran it through the head of a man who’d dropped a beer can in her yard and refused to pick it up. A $300 million B-1B bomber crashed, killing three crew members, after being hit by a pelican.

A man getting a haircut in a Boston barber’s chair was paralyzed from the neck down when a carpenter working on an adjoining building fired a high-velocity stud gun through a wall, hitting the victim in the neck.

A 34-year-old Pontiac, Mich., man who lost an eye after a skyrocket exploded in his face during a backyard July 4th celebration sued his parents because, he said, they didn’t have a permit for a fireworks display and should have stopped him from using fireworks because he was obviously drunk.

A bored pediatrician from Redlands, Calif., admitted he faked his own attempted murder, including inserting a spent bullet into his abdomen and burning his penis to fake a sexual attack. The doctor burned and bruised his skin with a grinding tool, anesthetized his head and abdomen and jammed a rod into those areas to simulate being shot and then pushed a spent .32-
caliber projectile into his stomach.  After that he burned himself to make it appear he’d been sodomized with a flaming object.  Then he injected himself with Demerol, bound his own legs, wrists and neck and lay down on the sidewalk, where police found him unconscious and injured.

Because the groom “looked very feminine and was heavily made up,” a court officer in Copenhagen asked him to drop his pants to prove he was a man before the wedding ceremony could proceed.

A Florida woman whose appeals for public help generated $689,000 in donations for her  son’s unsuccessful liver transplants refused to pay the boy’s hospital bill after his death and allegedly spent much of the money on herself and her boyfriend, buying jewelry, property and a BMW.

Nine days after Los Angeles Dodgers manager Tommy Lasorda hosted a celebration party at his restaurant for the World Series champions, Los Angeles County health officials closed Tommy Lasorda’s Rigs & Pasta for “one of the worst rat infestations” the health inspector had ever seen.

The widow and two children of a Knoxville, Ill., man tended his body for eight years after his death, changing his clothing and putting fresh sheets on his bed in the apparent belief that he was just sick.  The widow and her new boyfriend, a dentist, told police they were using potent herbal healing techniques on the mummified corpse.

A woman in Louisville, Ky., tried to submit as a contest entry a display of nine dead animals–four squirrels, two opossums, two house cats and a chicken–wired to a board in the shape of a radio station’s call letters.  She was cited by the local animal protection agency.

A defense attorney in Sonora, Calif., appealed his client’s burglary conviction on the ground that the prosecutor disrupted the four-week trial by repeatedly passing gas.  The defense lawyer charged “misconduct” on the part of the prosecutor, who, he said, “farted about 100 times during the trial.  He even lifted his leg.”  The lawyer said the tactic was particularly
disturbing to the jury during the defense’s closing argument.

Method One
Write all the answers out on your thigh, and when the teacher isn’t looking, have a quick peek. IMPORTANT- This only works if you are wearing a dress so is a good one for girls, but if your a bloke then it’s not a waste of time all you have to do is pretend that your Scottish by adopting a suitable accent and dying your hair orange all your school life and then you can wear a kilt.

Method Two
Remember passing an exam is like passing water… it’s a piece of piss (get it… see what I did there?…. oh forget it). One of the old methods to avoid is the write it all on a piece of chewing gum and if you are rumbled eat the evidence as it takes approximately 6000 sticks of gum to accommodate the average essay answer and if you try this method you will need something bigger like pancakes or popadoms. IMPORTANT- Although pizzas are big remember that you can only write on one side of a pizza.

Method Three
Now this one is in my opinion is the best and will work without a shadow of doubt but alas it would only work for blokes so girls will have to stick with method one for now or have some kind of sex change operation before the exam. The night before the exam get on your computer and surf for porn, yes I know it will feel wrong and it’s not something that you usually do but force your self just this once… and as you look at those lovely, lovely girls all naked and wanton writhing around being all lesbian and dirty exposing their flesh in a sordid display of primal… sorry got carried away there, but as you, like me, force yourself to look at those disgusting pictures you will notice that thing will grow and get big and hard. Now I bet that you never thought that passing an exam could be so much fun, anyway when it gets as big as you think it will ever get (only you can be the judge of this) grab a pen and quickly write all that you need to know on about the subject on your nob (men who are roundheads or halfskin fullers will be at a disadvantage).

Later when all the excitement has died down (as it were) and everything has returned to normal all you will see that all the writing has disappeared! Leaving the appearance of only having a few more prominent blue veins or perhaps a surreal tattoo.

The next day when you go to the exam room remember to go commando (without under crackers) and when the questions start getting hard (see what I did there? Oh forget it…) and you’re in need of a little help just gently un-zip and start thinking of the lovely Elisha Cuthbert doing a sexy dance routine and as if by magic the answers appear before your very eyes (well between your thighs at least) and the best bit is if the teacher is coming over your fear of getting caught will make the “evidence” disappear… cool or what?! IMPORTANT – As I said earlier this only works for blokes and not girls but with a bit of change it could be very beneficial for all involved, as this could be the only time in your sad life that the fit girl who sits next to you in maths will ever say “let me look at your cock.”

Method Four
Now this idea is so simple but still clever you could put a hat on it and call it Shirley and is better then owning your own set of Bross records. What you do is a few months before exam time start, every now and then start saying “Good giddy god I think I’m going deaf” and when teachers ask questions like, “What is the Plank time ?”, say, “No it’s a badger,” and people will start to think you’re deaf, then when you start to wear a hearing aid to school no one will think it strange, but it wont really be a hearing aid but a Walkman and you can then make a tape of all the answers. IMPORTANT – Don’t like me make the mistake of taking the wrong tape and sit through you history exam listening to the best of the Nolan’s album.

Method Five
Now this is my favourite all you have to do is take enough LSD to become one with the universe and get your mind and body to vibrate in tune with the universal conscious and all will become clear to you and all of man secrets will open up before you like so many petals on the flower of life. IMPORTANT- It is really important to try and stick with the question that are in front of you and not think about the camel though the eye of a needle or how the cosmos can be both infinite and finite at the same time and be continually expanding.