World Free Stuff

There’ll be carloads of Louises
From Parisian stripteases
Importing foul diseases
Into Kent.
There’ll be modern French Wells Fargoes
Sending juggernauts with cargoes
Of frogslegs and escargots
And men’s scent.

There’ll be Dutchmen too, by jingo,
Who’ll refuse to speak the lingo,
Coming over for the bingo
And the dogs.
And through this umbilical,
Seeking knickers from St. Michael,
Girls from Rotterdam will cycle
In their clogs.

There’ll be Danes on every corner
Faces pink after a sauna,
trying hard to sell us porno
Graphic books.
There’ll be men like Julius Caesar
Getting in without a visa
Careless architects from Pisa
Bloody crooks.

(continue reading…)

- Gallic Wars
- Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian. [Or at ths time in history, a Roman -ed.]

- Hundred Years War
- Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; “France’s armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman.” Sainted.

- Italian Wars
- Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

- Wars of Religion
- France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

- Thirty Years War
- France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

- War of Revolution
- Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

- The Dutch War
- Tied

- War of the Augsburg League/King William’s War/French and Indian War
- Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

- War of the Spanish Succession
- Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

- American Revolution
- In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as “de Gaulle Syndrome”, and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; “France only wins when America does most of the fighting.”

- French Revolution
- Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

- The Napoleonic Wars
- Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

- The Franco-Prussian War
- Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France’s ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

- World War I
- Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States [Entering the war late -ed.]. Thousands of French women find out what it’s like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn’t call her “Fraulein.” Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

- World War II
- Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

- War in Indochina
- Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu

- Algerian Rebellion
- Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; “We can always beat the French.” This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

- War on Terrorism
- France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald’s.

The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be “Can we count on the French?”, but rather “How long until France collapses?”

“Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion. All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage.”

Or, better still, the quote from last week’s Wall Street Journal: “They’re there when they need you.”

A 13 year old from Texas who stole his Dad’s credit card and ordered two hookers from an escort agency, has today been convicted of fraud and given a three year community order.

Ralph Hardy, a 13 year old from Newark, Texas confessed to ordering an extra credit card from his father’s existing credit card company, and took his friends on a $30,000 spending spree, culminating in playing “Halo” on an Xbox with a couple of hookers in a Texas motel.

The credit card company involved said it was regular practice to send extra credit cards out as long as all security questions are answered.

The escort girls who were released without charge, told the arresting officers something was up when the kids said they would rather play Xbox than get down to business.

Police said they were alerted to the motel by a concerned delivery clerk, whom after delivering supplies of Dr Pepper, Fritos and Oreos had been asked by the kids where they could score some chicks and were willing to pay. They explained they had just made a big score at a “World of Warcraft” tournament and wanted to get some relaxation. On noting the boys age the delivery clerk informed the authorities.

When police arrived at the motel they found $3,000 in cash, numerous electronic gadgets, an Xbox video console with numerous games, and the two local escort girls.

Ralph had reportedly told police that his father wouldn’t mind, as it was his birthday last week and he had forgot to get him a present. The father, a lawyer said he had been too busy, but would take him on a surprise trip to Disneyland instead.

Asked why he ordered two escorts, Ralph said he thought it was the thing to do when you win a “World of Warcraft” tournament. They told the suspicious working girls they were people of restricted growth working with a traveling circus, and as State law does not allow those with disabilities to be discriminated against they had no right to refuse them.

The $1,000 a night girls sensing something up played “Halo” on the Xbox with the kids, instead of selling their sexual services.

Ralph’s ambition is to one day become a politician.

Passengers are required to read instruction before use.

1. The  toilet  is  of  the  standard  Zero-gravity  type.   Depending  on requirements, system A  and/or system B  can be used,  details of which are clearly marked in the toilet compartment.  When operating system A, depress  lever  and  a  plastic  dalkron  eliminator  will be dispensed thorough the slot immediately  underneath.  When you have  fastened the adhesive lib, attach to connection marked by the large “X” outlet hose. Twist the  silver coloured  ring one  inch below  the connection  point until you feel it lock.
2. The toilet is now ready for use.  The Sonovac cleanser is activated  by the small switch on the lip.  When securing, twist the ring back to its initial  condition,  so  that  the  two orange lines meet.  Disconnect. Place the  dalkron eliminator  in the  vacuum receptacle  to the  rear. Activate by pressing the blue button.
3. The controls for system  B are located on  the opposite wall.  The  red release switch places the uroliminor into position; It can be  adjusted manually up  or down  by pressing  the blue  manual release  button The opening is self adjusting.  To secure after use press the green  button which  simultaneously   activates  the   evaporator  and   returns  the uroliminator to its storage position.
4. You man leave the lavatory if the green exit light is on over the door. If the red light is illuminated, one of the lavatory facilities is  not properly secured.  Press the “stewardess”  call button to the right  of the  door.   She  will  secure  all  facilities  from her control panel outside.  When green exit light go on, you may open the door and leave. Please close the door behind you.
5. To use the Sonoshower, first undress and place all your clot hes in the clothes rack,  Enter the  shower.  On  the control  panel to your upper right upon  entering you  will see  a “Shower  seal” button.   Press to activate.  A green  light will then  be illuminated immediately  below. On  the  intensity  knob,select  the  desired setting.  Now depress the Sonovac activation lever.  Bath normally.
6. The sonovac will  automatically go off  after threw minutes  unless you activate the “Manual off” over-ride switch by flipping it up.  When you are ready to leave, press  the blue “Shower seal” release  button.  The door will open  and you may  leave.  Please remove  the velcro slippers and place them in their container.
7. If the red light  above this panel is  on, the toilet is  in use.  When the  green  light  is  illuminated  you  may  enter.  However, you must carefully  follow  all  instruction  when  using  the facilities during coasting (Zero G) flight.  Inside  there are three facilities: (1)  The Sonowasher, (2) The Sonoshower, (3) The Toilet.  All three are designed to be used under weightless conditions.  Please observe the sequence of operations for each individual facility.
8. Two modes for  washing your face  and hands are  available, The “moist-towel” mode and the “Sonovac” ultrasonic cleaner mode.  You may  select either mode by moving the appropriate lever to the “Activate” position. If  you  choose  the  “moist-towel”  mode, depress the indicated yellow button and withdraw item.  When you have finished, discard the towel in the  vacuum  dispenser,  holding  the  indicated  lever  in an “active” position until  the green  light goes  on…showering that  the rollers have passed the towel completely into the dispenser.  If you desire and additional towel, press the yellow button and repeat the cycle.
9. If  you  prefer  the  “Sonovac”  ultrasonic  cleaning mode, depress the indicated blue  button.  When  the twin  panels open,  pull forward  by rings A and B. For cleaning  the hands, use in this position.   Set the timer to  positions 10,  20, 30,  and 40…indicative  of the number of seconds required.  The knob to the left, just below the blue light  has three settings, low medium or high.  For normal use, the medium setting is suggested.
10. After these  settings have  been made,  you can  activate the device by switching to  the “ON”  position the  clearly marked  red switch.   If, during the washing  operation, you wish  to change the  settings, place the “manual off” over-ride switch  in the “OFF” position.  You  may now make the change and repeat the cycle.

From 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY by Arthur C. Clarke

Reprinted from the San Francisco Sunday Examiner and Chronicle

Nearly one in three American adults queried by the National Science Foundation said the sun revolves around the earth.

In another survey, youngsters between 8 and 12 were able to name more brands of alcoholic beverages than former presidents. One 11-year-old boy who named eight brands of beer and wine said there are 16 inches in a foot.

A gerbil was elected president of the student union at the University of East Anglia in England.

An animal rights group bought seven lobsters from a Chinese restaurant in Maryland and flew them to Maine, where a Coast Guard boat took them back to the ocean.

The president of New England’s largest electric utility was killed by lightning.

Two men in Sierra Leone dug up a 307-carat diamond–one of the largest ever found–and then broke it into three pieces while arguing over whether it was really a diamond.

Rhode Island’s Small Businessman of the Year was indicted on federal charges of racketeering and illegally dumping hazardous waste.

On her tour of America, Queen Silvia of Sweden asked heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey why Americans are so fat.

A bystander watching a despondent man prepare to leap to his death from a bridge above the Los Angeles River approached the jumper to ask for his car since “you’re not going to need it any more.”

More than 20 Little Leaguers in St. Petersburg, Fla., quit the organization in disgust after watching continuous brawls among their father-coaches.

President Reagan commissioned a Salt Lake City firm to create a jelly-bean-flavoured ice cream.

The White House proclaimed October as National AIDS Awareness Month on November 1.

The Department of Education refused to fund a Holocaust education programme for public schools because the curriculum did not take into account the Nazi and Ku Klux Klan points of view.

In confirming that Nancy Reagan consults an astrologer to shape the president’s appointment schedule, a White House aide said Reagan approved of the practice, but wanted it “kept very, very secret because he feared the public might misunderstand.

In a speech at the College of Southern Idaho, President-elect Bush said of Reagan:  “I’m proud to be his partner.  We’ve had triumphs.  We’ve made mistakes.  We’ve had sex.”  Bush later said he meant to say “setbacks.”

Mother Jones magazine revealed that Reagan, who has opposed laws guaranteeing safer meat, keeps a private herd of organically-fed, hormone-free cattle near his Santa Barbara ranch from which his table-meat is drawn.

A Toronto man was found not guilty of killing his mother-in-law when the jury accepted the defense theory that he drove 14 miles to her house, hit her with an iron bar and stabbed her while sleepwalking.

In San Jose, Calif., a woman was jailed for refusing to clear her small two-bedroom home of 25 tons of rotting, rat-infested garbage.  Members of the woman’s family said she hated to throw trash away because, “in the future, she might be able to use it for something else.”

A San Antonio man arrested for hiring an assassin to slay Mayor Henry Cisneros said he believed the U. S. constitution gave him the right to kill the city’s mayor if his policies were unsound.

A judge in Santa Ana, Calif., levied a $58 fine against a driver for a mortuary transport service who failed to convince the court that four frozen cadavers in his van were legal car-pool passengers.

A ten-year-old Tucson boy stole his mother’s car and drove it 65 miles to the Mexican border where he tried to sell it.

A Houston man, paralyzed from the neck down, killed his wife by mounting a pistol on his wheelchair and pulling the trigger by tugging on a string held in his mouth.

A Denver man, dissatisfied with the haircut he had just received–a total scalp-shave that left a bloody three-inch scar on the back of his head–returned to the salon and killed the barber.

In Ottawa, a man killed 22 neighborhood house cats, telling police he was distraught because his own cat had rejected him.

A jury in San Luis Obispo, Calif., awarded $6 million in damages to a woman whose jealous ex-husband, a gynecologist, sewed her vagina shut while she was undergoing a hysterectomy performed by another doctor.  Meanwhile, in Hong King, a woman went to jail after cutting off the tip of her sleeping
husband’s penis with a pair of scissors and flushing it down the toilet.  In both cases, the perpetrators were convinced their victims had been seeing other people.

A spokesman for the California Board of Dental Examiners revealed the board’s enforcement personnel carry guns because “There are some dentists out there who have a criminal kind of leaning.”

Herbert Connolly of Newton, Mass., got to the polls minutes late on Election Day and was unable to cast his ballot.  He lost his seat on the Massachusetts Governor’s Council by one vote.

The FBI said it had conducted six years of surveillance on a 17-year-old New Jersey student ever since, as a sixth-grader, he wrote to the Soviet Union asking for scientific information for a school project.

The city of Honolulu paid $100,000 to a man who had been forced by two police officers to bob for toads in a drainage ditch.

The Centers for Disease Control gave Baltimore a $48,000 grant to scoop up used condoms at a sewer treatment plant to count how many city residents use “safe sex” measures.

Michelle Corwin, San Francisco’s registrar of voters, quit abruptly three weeks before November’s election, which featured the longest ballot in the city’s history.  An “astonished” Chief Administrative Officer Rudy Nothenberg said, “Her letter indicated that, since she was planning to leave in January and because there was a lot of unpleasant work to be done between now and then, she would just leave now and save herself the
trouble.”

Media mogul Rupert Murdoch, whose Fox Television Network was presenting “The Late Show” hosted by comedian Arsenio Hall, was approached by Hall in the parking lot of a Los Angeles restaurant.  Murdoch handed Hall his valet parking stub and said, “It’s the green Jaguar.”

Giving new meaning to the term “white sale,” a chain store in Newark was found to have a memo posted by the cash register that read:  “If any black person returns any sheet sets, deny a cash voucher or exchange or credit for any reason.”

Touring Ireland, Michael Jackson refused to kiss the Blarney Stone, saying, “No way am I going to kiss that thing.  I might get AIDS or something worse.”

Nevada Gaming Control Board agents found a printing plate used by the Imperial Palace Casino in Las Vegas to print bumper stickers saying “Hitler Was Right.”  The agents also found a private room at the casino where owner Ralph Engelstad held private parties amidst his collection of Nazi war memorabilia.

In a TV interview, House of Representatives Republican leader Robert Michel bemoaned the end of black-face minstrel shows, saying, “I used to love to imitate Amos ‘n Andy.”

During a meeting with gay leaders in Garden Grove, Los Angeles County, the wife of U.S. Rep. Robert Dornan yelled, “Shut up, fag!” to a member of the audience.  She later apologized, saying she was distraught because her brother was dying of AIDS.  The brother volunteered for an HIV test arranged by the Los Angeles Times.  It was negative.

After a 19-year old black woman was found beaten to death with the letters “KKK” carved in her body, the Kingston, N.Y., district attorney said, “One investigative lead we are pursuing is that the murder may have been racially motivated.”

Federal agents in New York seized 5,000 pounds of pure cocaine and $2 million in case stuffed into bags labeled “Just Say No To Drugs.”

Mexican drug smugglers reportedly put out $30,000 contracts on Rocky, Duko, and Barco–three narcotics-sniffing dogs working the U.S.-Mexican border.  The dogs were thereupon fitted with bulletproof vests.

An Oakland woman was charged with assault after shooting her 16-year-old daughter because the youngster refused to sell her $20 worth of rock cocaine.

Coors paid a six-figure settlement to an Austin, Texas, police officer who seven years ago found the headless body of a mouse in a bottle of Coors beer he was drinking.  Since the incident, the policeman has been unable to watch television shows with beer commercials in them, has developed a fear of rodents that ended his hunting career and becomes physically ill when
arresting driving-while-intoxicated suspects who have liquor on their breath.

Los Angeles astrologer Rockie Gardiner said the planet that rules television is Uranus.

In the ultimate answer to those who think professional wrestling is faked, a 336-pound British grappler named Big Daddy killed his 350-pound opponent, King Kong Kirk, by executing his famous “splashdown” maneuver on the prostrate Kirk during a match in Great Yarmouth.  It took eight men to lift Kirk’s stretcher into the ambulance.

A 51-year-old Peoria woman went into her house, grabbed her husband’s souvenir bayonet and ran it through the head of a man who’d dropped a beer can in her yard and refused to pick it up. A $300 million B-1B bomber crashed, killing three crew members, after being hit by a pelican.

A man getting a haircut in a Boston barber’s chair was paralyzed from the neck down when a carpenter working on an adjoining building fired a high-velocity stud gun through a wall, hitting the victim in the neck.

A 34-year-old Pontiac, Mich., man who lost an eye after a skyrocket exploded in his face during a backyard July 4th celebration sued his parents because, he said, they didn’t have a permit for a fireworks display and should have stopped him from using fireworks because he was obviously drunk.

A bored pediatrician from Redlands, Calif., admitted he faked his own attempted murder, including inserting a spent bullet into his abdomen and burning his penis to fake a sexual attack. The doctor burned and bruised his skin with a grinding tool, anesthetized his head and abdomen and jammed a rod into those areas to simulate being shot and then pushed a spent .32-
caliber projectile into his stomach.  After that he burned himself to make it appear he’d been sodomized with a flaming object.  Then he injected himself with Demerol, bound his own legs, wrists and neck and lay down on the sidewalk, where police found him unconscious and injured.

Because the groom “looked very feminine and was heavily made up,” a court officer in Copenhagen asked him to drop his pants to prove he was a man before the wedding ceremony could proceed.

A Florida woman whose appeals for public help generated $689,000 in donations for her  son’s unsuccessful liver transplants refused to pay the boy’s hospital bill after his death and allegedly spent much of the money on herself and her boyfriend, buying jewelry, property and a BMW.

Nine days after Los Angeles Dodgers manager Tommy Lasorda hosted a celebration party at his restaurant for the World Series champions, Los Angeles County health officials closed Tommy Lasorda’s Rigs & Pasta for “one of the worst rat infestations” the health inspector had ever seen.

The widow and two children of a Knoxville, Ill., man tended his body for eight years after his death, changing his clothing and putting fresh sheets on his bed in the apparent belief that he was just sick.  The widow and her new boyfriend, a dentist, told police they were using potent herbal healing techniques on the mummified corpse.

A woman in Louisville, Ky., tried to submit as a contest entry a display of nine dead animals–four squirrels, two opossums, two house cats and a chicken–wired to a board in the shape of a radio station’s call letters.  She was cited by the local animal protection agency.

A defense attorney in Sonora, Calif., appealed his client’s burglary conviction on the ground that the prosecutor disrupted the four-week trial by repeatedly passing gas.  The defense lawyer charged “misconduct” on the part of the prosecutor, who, he said, “farted about 100 times during the trial.  He even lifted his leg.”  The lawyer said the tactic was particularly
disturbing to the jury during the defense’s closing argument.

Method One
Write all the answers out on your thigh, and when the teacher isn’t looking, have a quick peek. IMPORTANT- This only works if you are wearing a dress so is a good one for girls, but if your a bloke then it’s not a waste of time all you have to do is pretend that your Scottish by adopting a suitable accent and dying your hair orange all your school life and then you can wear a kilt.

Method Two
Remember passing an exam is like passing water… it’s a piece of piss (get it… see what I did there?…. oh forget it). One of the old methods to avoid is the write it all on a piece of chewing gum and if you are rumbled eat the evidence as it takes approximately 6000 sticks of gum to accommodate the average essay answer and if you try this method you will need something bigger like pancakes or popadoms. IMPORTANT- Although pizzas are big remember that you can only write on one side of a pizza.

Method Three
Now this one is in my opinion is the best and will work without a shadow of doubt but alas it would only work for blokes so girls will have to stick with method one for now or have some kind of sex change operation before the exam. The night before the exam get on your computer and surf for porn, yes I know it will feel wrong and it’s not something that you usually do but force your self just this once… and as you look at those lovely, lovely girls all naked and wanton writhing around being all lesbian and dirty exposing their flesh in a sordid display of primal… sorry got carried away there, but as you, like me, force yourself to look at those disgusting pictures you will notice that thing will grow and get big and hard. Now I bet that you never thought that passing an exam could be so much fun, anyway when it gets as big as you think it will ever get (only you can be the judge of this) grab a pen and quickly write all that you need to know on about the subject on your nob (men who are roundheads or halfskin fullers will be at a disadvantage).

Later when all the excitement has died down (as it were) and everything has returned to normal all you will see that all the writing has disappeared! Leaving the appearance of only having a few more prominent blue veins or perhaps a surreal tattoo.

The next day when you go to the exam room remember to go commando (without under crackers) and when the questions start getting hard (see what I did there? Oh forget it…) and you’re in need of a little help just gently un-zip and start thinking of the lovely Elisha Cuthbert doing a sexy dance routine and as if by magic the answers appear before your very eyes (well between your thighs at least) and the best bit is if the teacher is coming over your fear of getting caught will make the “evidence” disappear… cool or what?! IMPORTANT – As I said earlier this only works for blokes and not girls but with a bit of change it could be very beneficial for all involved, as this could be the only time in your sad life that the fit girl who sits next to you in maths will ever say “let me look at your cock.”

Method Four
Now this idea is so simple but still clever you could put a hat on it and call it Shirley and is better then owning your own set of Bross records. What you do is a few months before exam time start, every now and then start saying “Good giddy god I think I’m going deaf” and when teachers ask questions like, “What is the Plank time ?”, say, “No it’s a badger,” and people will start to think you’re deaf, then when you start to wear a hearing aid to school no one will think it strange, but it wont really be a hearing aid but a Walkman and you can then make a tape of all the answers. IMPORTANT – Don’t like me make the mistake of taking the wrong tape and sit through you history exam listening to the best of the Nolan’s album.

Method Five
Now this is my favourite all you have to do is take enough LSD to become one with the universe and get your mind and body to vibrate in tune with the universal conscious and all will become clear to you and all of man secrets will open up before you like so many petals on the flower of life. IMPORTANT- It is really important to try and stick with the question that are in front of you and not think about the camel though the eye of a needle or how the cosmos can be both infinite and finite at the same time and be continually expanding.

1.  Never give me work in the morning.   Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me.  The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2.  If it’s really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it’s going.  That helps.  Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.

3.  Always leave without telling anyone where you’re going.  It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4.  If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don’t open the door for me.  I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.

5.  If you give me more than one job to do, don’t tell me which is priority.  I am psychic.

6.  Do your best to keep me late.  I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do.  I have no life beyond work.

7.  If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret.  If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.

8.  If you don’t like my work, tell everyone.  I like my name to be popular in conversations.  I was born to be whipped.

9.  If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done.  No use confusing me with useful information.

10.  Never introduce me to the people you’re with.  I have no right to know anything.  In the corporate food chain, I am plankton.  When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11.  Be nice to me only when the job I’m doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to managers’ hell.

12.  Tell me all your little problems.   No one else has any and it’s nice to know someone is less fortunate.  I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.

13.  Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating   with a cost of living increase. I’m not here for the money anyway.

The longest one-syllable word in the English language is “screeched.”

“Dreamt” is the only English word that ends in the letters “mt”.

Almonds are members of the peach family.

The symbol on the “pound” key (#) is called an octothorpe.

The dot over the letter ‘i’ is called a tittle.

Ingrown toenails are hereditary.

The word “set” has more definitions than any other word in the English language.

“Underground” is the only word in the English language that begins and ends with the letters “und.”

There are only four words in the English language which end in”-dous” tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

The longest word in the English language, according to the Oxford English Dictionary, is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis. The only other word with the same amount of letters is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconioses, its plural.

The longest place-name still in use is Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturipukakapikimaungahoronukupokaiwenuakitanatahu, a New Zealand hill.

Los Angeles’s full name is “El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula” and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size, “L.A.”

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.

Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

In most advertisments, including newspapers, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.

Alfred Hitchcock didn’t have a belly button.It was eliminated when he was sewn up after surgery.

Telly Savalas and Louis Armstrong died on their birthdays.

Donald Duck’s middle name is Fauntleroy.

Al Capone’s business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

The muzzle of a lion is like a fingerprint – no two lions have the same pattern of whiskers.

Steely Dan got their name from a sexual device depicted in the book ‘The Naked Lunch’.

A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.

The Ramses brand condom is named after the great phaoroh Ramses II who fathered over 160 children.

There is a seven letter word in the English language that contains ten words without rearranging any of its letters, “therein” the, there, he, in, rein, her, here, ere, therein, herein.

Duelling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.

John Larroquette of “Night Court” and “The John Larroquette Show” was the narrator of “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.”

The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra’s “Its A Wonderful Life”

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

It’s impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

It was discovered on a space mission that a frog can throw up.The frog throws up its stomach first, so the stomach is dangling out of it’s mouth.Then the frog uses its forearms to dig out all of the stomach’s contents and then swallows the stomach back down again.

Cranberries are sorted for ripeness by bouncing them; a fully ripened cranberry can be dribbled like a basketball.

The male gypsy moth can “smell” the virgin female gypsy moth from 1.8 miles away.

The letters KGB stand for Komitet Gosudarstvennoy Bezopasnosti.

The name for Oz in the “Wizard of Oz” was thought up when the creator, Frank Baum, looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N, and O-Z, hence “Oz.”

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

‘Stewardesses’ is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.

To “testify” was based on men in the Roman court swearing to a statement made by swearing on their testicles.

The combination “ough” can be pronounced in nine different ways. The following sentence contains them all “A rough-coated, dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed.”

The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.

Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the correct order, as does arsenious, meaning “containing arsenic.”

Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the Australian coat of arms for that reason.

Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten.

The word “Checkmate” in chess comes from the Persian phrase “Shah Mat,” which means “the king is dead”.

The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of lore when the engines were pulled by horses.The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.

1. Act like a dog, growl at people.
2. Announce in a demonic voice: “I must find a more suitable host body.”
3. Apply dripping red paint around the edge of the roof hatch. When someone enters, look upwards and whisper “I think they want in…”
4. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them. Press the wrong ones.
5. Ask everyone what they made for their side dish.
6. Ask someone to take your temperature, then turn around and bend over.
7. Ask, “did you hear that cable snapping sound?”
8. Attempt to hypnotize the other passengers.
9. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
10. Blow spit balls at the ceiling.
11. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your Kleenex to other passengers.
12. Blow your nose on your sleeve.
13. Bring a camera, take pictures of everybody in the elevator.
14. Bring a chair along.
15. Bring easy math flash cards on the elevator and ask the person next to you to help you study them (get them wrong).
16. Burp, and then say “mmmm…tasty!”
17. Call out, “Group hug!” and enforce it.
18. Call the psychic hotline from you cell phone, and ask if they know what floor you’re on.
19. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
20. Challenge people to games of hide-and-seek.
21. Clutch your stomach and gasp.
22. Collapse on the floor when the elevator goes up, then get up and look embarrassed.
23. Collect an elevator tax.
24. Count down from 1000000 out loud.
25. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: “Got enough air in there?”
26. Do Tai Chi exercises.
27. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your “personal space.”
28. Draw a volleyball on the wall of the elevator and insist you have been trapped in there for 3 months. Formally introduce everyone to the volleyball!
29. Dress as a clergy member of the opposite sex.
30. Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, “That’s mine!”
31. Eat jello through a straw.
32. Frown and mutter “gotta go, gotta go” then sigh and say “oops!”
33. Give each passenger a round of applause as they enter or leave.
34. Give each passenger a ticket and remind them that door prize drawing is in half an hour.
35. Give people lectures about the periodic table of elements
36. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
37. Go into extreme detail explaining how you were trapped in an elevator once for two days.
38. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
39. Greet everyone with a smile and a handshake, then ignore them.
40. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: “Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!”
41. Guard the button panel so no one can touch it. Growl and bite at anyone’s fingers who attept to cross you.
42. Have a picnic in the elevator.
43. Have a seizure.
44. Hold the elevator door open and say you’re waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, “Hi John, how’s your day been?”
45. Holler “Chutes away!” whenever the elevator descends.
46. Hug yourself.
47. Hum the theme from Mission Impossible with yours eyes darting around the elevator.
48. Hum the theme to Jeopardy
49. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler, “Bad touch!”
50. If anyone brushes against you, whisper to them “was it good for you too?”
51. Introduce yourself as Ochenga-Wangaa The great chief and begin telling stories of your native island.
52. Jump up when the elevator reaches a stop.
53. Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they want to play.
54. Lean against the button panel.
55. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: “Noogie patrol coming!”
56. Leave a box between the doors.
57. Leave a box in a corner, and when someone gets on, ask if they hear something ticking.
58. Lick gummy bears and stick them to things (the walls, the buttons, the passengers, etc.)
59. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
60. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
61. Make farm noises.
62. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
63. Make sure the emergency phone is working.
64. Meow occasionally.
65. Move your desk in to the elevator, and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.
66. Mumble autistically about the possibilities of elevator accidents.
67. Offer a bite of your fresh tangerine to everyone coming on board.
68. Offer hitman services.
69. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
70. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
71. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go “plink” at the bottom.
72. Open a lemonade stand.
73. Perform the Hamlet soliloquy. When a new passenger enters, start over again.
74. Pick your nose.
75. Place police tape (CRIME SCENE DO NOT CROSS) on the inside of the doors.
76. Play dead.
77. Play patty–cake with the door.
78. Play the harmonica.
79. Pour water on the front of your trousers, so it looks like you have wet yourself, tell everyone who comes in to the elevator, that you had a little accident.
80. Pray to Budda.
81. Preach about the end of the world.
82. Pretend to be dead and lie on the elevator floor.
83. Pretend you’re a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers
84. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
85. Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock.
86. Read a book upside down.
87. Recite poetry in monotone.
88. Request for people to watch you Riverdance.
89. Say “Ding!” at each floor.
90. Say “I wonder what all these do” and push the red buttons.
91. Say, while holding a paper with OUT OF ORDER written on it, “I wonder why this was glued on the door when I came in.”
92. Scratch yourself.
93. Scribble furiously on a notepad while looking at each passenger. When they try to look, hide the pad.
94. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
95. Shadow box.
96. Shave.
97. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
98. Sing “Mary had a little lamb” while continually pushing buttons.
99. Sing: “I know a song that gets on everybody’s nerve’s, everybody’s nerves, everybody’s nerves, i know a song that gets on everybody’s nerves and it goes like this!” to the tune of “camp town lady”…..pause…..repeat….continually.
100. Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
101. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
102. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce “You’re one of THEM!” and move to the far corner of the elevator.
103. Stare at your thumb and say, “I think it’s getting larger.”
104. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce “I’ve got new socks on!”
105. Start a sing-along.
106. Start reciting “Green Eggs and Ham” and ask people what comes next.
107. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: “Wanna see wha in muh mouf?”
108. Tap dance.
109. Tell everyone about the hidden rooftop penthouse belonging to the mob.
110. Tell everyone about your love life.
111. Tell people you can see their aura.
112. Tell the passengers not to worry. The bomb won’t go off for at least another two minutes.
113. Throw a party in the vator!
114. Try to purchase an article of clothing from the person next to you.
115. Untie one shoe, then tie the other. Repeat.
116. Walk in circles. Change directions when you hit a passenger.
117. Walk on with a cooler that says “human head” on the side.
118. Wave hands wildly at invisible flies buzzing around your head.
119. Wear “X-Ray Specs” and leer suggestively at other passengers.
120. Wear a basketball jersey. Show everyone your armpit. Works best if you get a good workout and don’t use deodorant.
121. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers “through” it.
122. Wear a Santa suit…in June.
123. Wear a ski mask and carry an axe.
124. Wear complete SCUBA gear, then offer your buddy hose to the other passengers
125. When the elevator doors close, bang on them, screaming let me out!
126. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
127. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: “Oh, not now… motion sickness!”
128. When the elevator doors close, announce to the others, “It’s okay, don’t panic, they’ll open again.”
129. When the doors close pretend you arm got caught in it.
130. When the doors open, pretend you did it with your mind.
131. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, “Is that your beeper?”
132. When the elevator reaches another passenger’s floor, scream and collapse in front of the door.
133. When there’s only one other person on the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and pretend it wasn’t you.
134. While the doors are opening, hurriedly whisper, “hide it…quick!” then whistle innocently.
135. Whistle the first seven notes of “It’s a Small World” incessantly.

I read this from another site and decided it was worth it to copy paste it here for your reading pleasure ^^ link

Yesterday I went through the horror of taking my 15 year old brother to the Best Buy in Orland Park, IL on LaGrange Ave. I had close to $100 in Best Buy Gift Certificates given to me for Christmas. My brother and I were en route to dinner and we decided to swing by the aforementioned Best Buy to pick up a video game, Assassin’s Creed, and XBOX Live Gold. We entered the store. I browsed the camera aisle looking for a cable to possibly purchase for our flat screen then headed to the video game section. I picked up the said items and headed to check out where hell will shortly ensue.

I stepped up to the red haired, slightly obese cashier and she immediately gave me a look of disgrace as if I did something wrong. I replied with a “hi” to make the tension less awkward. She immediately asked me for my ID. I’ve never been carded for a video game before so I politely handed it to her while asking my brother for my gift cards I gave him while I was busy shuffling through my car just 20 minutes earlier.

She then left the the register booth with my ID and video game and went to her manager. The Best Buy cashier then came back and shouted that I’m purchasing a video game for a minor in front of everyone in line behind me and her fellow cashiers. She even had the nerve to ask, “Is that even your brother with you?!” Hell yes he is! I was embarrassed! It’s like she was condemning me for purchasing alcohol for a minor. [ed. Assassin's Creed is rated "M" for Mature, meaning it's considered not suitable for kids under 17. It's a game where you play an assassin during the Third Crusades and you take out various historical figures.]

I quickly responded back that I am 21 year old and that the video game and peripheral are for me. She shook her head with a menacing grim and said that she saw me take gift cards from my brother and that what I am doing is illegal. Enough of this obese 17 year olds shenanigans! I demanded a manager. Unfortunately the manager was probably about 18 years old as well.

In front of the store again he told me that I am illegally purchasing a video game for a minor. I responded back that they are my gift cards! I want to make a purchase. That’s when he picked up Xbox Live GOLD. I then asked if I couldn’t buy that either. He then took a few minutes to scrutinize the box looking for an online peripherals rating. He never found it and said to me, he’s not sure, I might not be able to do that either (Xbox Live was also rated E for everyone mind you). I continued to repeat that these are my gift cards, I’m 21 and I want to make my purchase. The cashier and manager continued to condemn me in front of all that I’m illegally purchasing the game for a minor.

I brought up two ultimatums. “So I have to go drive miles outside Orland Park, IL to another Best Buy to purchase the video game then?” The manager shrugged and said, “I guess so.”

I also brought up the option then that if I left the store with my brother, came back in by myself and made the purchase, would that be legal then? The manager replied, “Technically, yes, that will be OK.”

I then told them to hold on to the Xbox Live Gold since it was the last one left. I left the store with my brother, told him to go to the car. I then walked back into the store. The manager earlier told me that I can’t use the old video game I originally had in hand because it was deemed under “penalty.” I then had to walk all the way to the back of the cavernous store, pick up the video game then walk back to the line I was originally in. I stood in line for another 10 minutes waiting. I finally got back up to the obese red head cashier where she smirked and looked at me and said, “Yeah, we can’t sell you that video game.” What?! “Those gift cards are illegal.”

How the hell does she know someone didn’t just give me the gift cards on the street or if I had more of my “OWN” gift cards from the car. They just told me that I was able to purchase the video game once I walked my brother out.

I told them that they made a fool out of me before everyone in the store. She continued to be as politely as I can put it a “bitch” to me. I purchased Xbox Live Gold and said to the hell with the game. After making the transaction I told her I didn’t need a plastic bag since all I’m carrying out is a small little hand held cardboard box. Who needs a plastic bag for that? She then told me that under company policy if I wanted to exit the store I needed a plastic bag. Absurd! For me to exit the store I need to kill the planet now? I never see people with bags over DVD players that are twice the size as the flimsy Xbox Live cardboard box.

Anyway I left the store, we ate dinner and on the way home we stopped at the Best Buy in Mokena, IL. I purchased the same exact video game, Assassin’s Creed with my brother right beside me. I was never carded, I was never interrogated, I was never questioned. I had a wonderful experience there but I had to go through a three hour ordeal of going to the Best Buy in Orland Park, eating dinner than spending another 20 minutes at a Best Buy miles away all for a video game.

Three things Best Buy, first drop the mandatory plastic bag policy. Second, you need to revamp your treatment of customers and not threaten them of their illegal actions in front of all. Three, can I get reimbursed for some gas money for driving miles and miles out of my way since I was banned from buying a video game at your store in Orland Park, IL?

Cheers,

Matt D.