World Free Stuff

1. It is on everybody’s mind all the time.
2. Everyone is talking about it all the time.
3. Everyone thinks everyone else is doing it.
4. Almost no one is really doing it.
5. The few who are doing it are:

• doing it poorly;
• sure it will be better next time;
• not practicing it safely.

The Super Computer stood at the end of the Computer Company’s production line. At which point the guided tour eventually arrived. The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo.

“This”, he said, “is the Super Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it”.

At which a Clever Guest stepped forward – there is always one – and spoke into the Computer’s microphone.

“Where is my father?” he asked.

There was a whirring of wheels and flashing of lights that the manufacturers always use to impress lay people, and then a little card popped out.

On it were printed the words: Fishing off Goa.

Clever Guest laughed.

“Actually”, he said, “My father is dead”!

It had been a tricky question! The salesman, carefully chosen for his ability to think fast on his feet, immediately replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as computers were precise, perhaps he might care to rephrase his question and try again?

Clever Guest thought, went to the Computer and this time said, “Where is my mother’s husband?”

Again there was a whirring of wheels and a flashing of lights. And again a little card popped out. Printed on it were the words, “Dead. But your father is still fishing off Goa.”

A language teacher was explaining to her class that in French, nouns unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.

“House” in French, is feminine -”la maison,” “Pencil” in French, is masculine “le crayon.”

One puzzled student asked, “What gender is computer?” The teacher did not know, and the word was not in her French dictionary. So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender and asked them to decide whether “computer” should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The men’s group decided that computer should definitely be of the feminine gender (”la computer”), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later review

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women’s group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine “le computer”) because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you had waited a little longer you could have gotten a better model.

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I’m setting up an office in my den and I’m thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name’s Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don’t own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name’s Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don’t know. What will I see when I look in the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals,track expenses and run my business. What have you got?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, lets just say I’m sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue “W”.
COSTELLO: I’m going to click your blue “w” if you don’t start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: If it’s a long movie! I also want to see reel 2, 3 & 4. Can I watch them?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: OK, I’m at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue “1″.
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue “1″.
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?
ABBOTT: The blue “1″ is Real One and the blue “W” is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there’s three words in “office for windows”!
ABBOTT: No, just one. But it’s the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren’t many other words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn’t even part of Office.
COSTELLO: STOP! Don’t start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That’s right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What’s bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn’t it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

A FEW DAYS LATER . .
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on “START”………

Actual dialog of a former Wordperfect Customer Support employee:

“Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?”
“Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.”
“What sort of trouble?”
“Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.”
“Went away?”
“They disappeared.”
“Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?”
“Nothing.”
“Nothing?”
“It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.”
“Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?”
“How do I tell?”
“Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?”
“What’s a sea-prompt?”
“Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?”
“There isn’t any cursor: I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.”
“Does your monitor have a power indicator?”
“What’s a monitor?”
“It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?”
“I don’t know.”
“Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it.
Can you see that?”
……”Yes, I think so.”

“Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.”
……”Yes, it is.”
“When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?”
“No.”
“Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.”
……”Okay, here it is.”
“Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.”
“I can’t reach.”
“Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?”
“No.”
“Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?”
“Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle-it’s because it’s dark.”
“Dark?”
“Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.”
“Well, turn on the office light then.”
“I can’t.”
No? Why not?”
“Because there’s a power outage.”
“A power… A power outage? Aha! Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?”
No? Why not?”
“Because there’s a power outage.”
“A power… A power outage? Aha! Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?”
“Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.
“Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.”
“Really? Is it that bad?”
“Yes, I’m afraid it is.”
“Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?”

“Tell them you’re too stupid to own a computer.”

This apparently was a real memo sent at a computer company to its employees in all seriousness.

This memo is from an unnamed computer company. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite serious. The engineers rolled on the floor.

“Mouse Balls”

Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units).

Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse can be used immediately.

It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.

Any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.

There was a new girl in school, when asked her name, she replied “Happy-Butt”. When hearing this, the teacher said, “Go straight to the principal young lady.” At that, she went to the principal.

He asked her why she was in the office, and she said “The teacher sent me hear so you can find out my real name.” He said “well, what is your name?” she said “My name is Happy-Butt” He said “That’s not a name, I’m looking it up in the computer RIGHT NOW!”

So he looks in the computer, and he says “it lists here that your name is Gladys.” She said “Exactly, Happy-Butt, Glad-Ass… SAME THING!”

* Tech Support: “May I ask what operating system you are running today?”
* Customer: “A computer.”

———-

* Tech Support: “What operating system are you running? Windows 95?”
* Customer: (a little too excited) “95, 96, 97, 98, I’ve got them all!”

After conferring with her husband, it turned out she owned a Macintosh with System 8.1.

———-

Customer: “I don’t use DOS. What would happen if I deleted that directory?”

———-

* Customer: “How much do Windows cost?”
* Tech Support: “Windows costs about $100.”
* Customer: “Oh, that’s kind of expensive. Can I buy just one window?”

———-

A customer called in with modem problems.

* Tech Support: “Ok, we’re going to check your modem settings. First thing we need to do is make sure all programs are closed.”
* Customer: “How do I know if everything is closed?”
* Me: “Make sure all windows are closed.”
* Customer: “But…I’m in the basement. I don’t have any windows here.”

Lucky me, I made it to the the mute button in time!

———-

Back in the early days of Windows 95:

* Customer: “I have Windows Thirty One.”
* Tech Support: “Ok, this program requires either Windows 95 or Win32s. Do you have Win32s on your system?”
* Customer: “No, I have Windows Thirty One, not Thirty Two.”
* Tech Support: “Windows 3.1 is the operating system. Win32s is a program that makes your computer fast like Windows 95.”
* Customer: “What’s Windows Ninety Five got to do with it?”
* Tech Supprort: “You need either Windows 95 or Win32s to run this.”
* Customer: “I HAVE THIRTY ONE! WHY WON’T IT WORK?”
* Tech Support: (giving up) “Ma’am, your computer is too old. Buy a new one with Windows 95.”
* Customer: “I’ve heard about Windows Three Hundred and Eleven. Wouldn’t that be better than Ninety Five?”

———-

I saw two older looking ladies trying to figure out the computers at a local store. I knew one of them would say something that I could send to Computer Stupidities, so I tried to listen in.

* Woman 1: “What is that little trash can on the screen?”
* Woman 2: “My son says that is call the ‘recycle bin’. He tells me when I don’t want a Word document anymore and I delete it, it really goes in there.”
* Woman 1: “Why in the recycle thingy? Can’t you just erase it?”
* Woman 2: “Oh no, Word wouldn’t work for very long if I did that, I would run out of blank pages.”
* Woman 1: “Why?”
* Woman 2: “Because it cleans the words off the pages, then sends the blank sheets back to Word so they can be used again. That’s why it’s called the recycle bin.”

———-

* Tech Support: “All right…now double-click on the File Manager icon.”
* Customer: “That’s why I hate this Windows — because of the icons — I’m a Protestant, and I don’t believe in icons.”
* Tech Support: “Well, that’s just an industry term sir. I don’t believe it was meant to –”
* Customer: “I don’t care about any ‘Industry Terms’. I don’t believe in icons.”
* Tech Support: “Well…why don’t you click on the ‘little picture’ of a file cabinet…is ‘little picture’ ok?”
* Customer: [click]

———-

Customer: “Do I hit ‘F’ and ‘8′ at the same time?”

———-

* Tech Support: “Ok Bob, let’s press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter ‘P’ to bring up the Program Manager.”
* Customer: “I don’t have a ‘P’.”
* Tech Support: “On your keyboard, Bob.”
* Customer: “What do you mean?”
* Tech Support: “‘P’ on your keyboard, Bob.”
* Customer: “I’m not going to do that!”

This one …. rflmao!!!! too funny…

———-

* Customer: “You’ve got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print a document, but the computer won’t boot properly.”
* Tech Support: “What does it say?”
* Customer: “Something about an error and non-system disk.”
* Tech Support: “Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?”
* Customer: “No, but there’s a sticker saying there’s an Intel inside.”

———-

* Customer: “I need a new floppy drive.”
* Tech Support: “If yours is broken, we’ll replace it. Your system is still under warranty.”
* Customer: “Oh, no! The system works fine! I’m thrilled with it.”
* Tech Support: “So you’re looking for a second drive to copy disks?”
* Customer: “No, I just need a new one.”
* Tech Support: (pause) “Ok, is there any particular reason?”
* Customer: “Mine’s used up.”
* Tech Support: “Used up? Like I said, if it’s broken, we will replace it for free.”
* Customer: “No, it still works. I just installed some software with it, and now it’s used up.”

After some time we arrived at the crux of the misunderstanding, and I calmly showed him that if he pushed the little button on the drive, his disk would come back out. He left a happy man, checkbook safely back in his pocket.

———-

* Customer: “What do I do now?”
* Tech Support: “One way to resolve this would be to delete files to free up space.”
* Customer: “Which files should I delete?”
* Tech Support: “Delete files that you have created that you no longer need.”
* Customer: “I can’t do that. ALL of my files are important. Isn’t there another way?”
* Tech Support: “Well, you could get a bigger hard drive.”
* Customer: “A BIGGER HARD DRIVE! The thing already takes up most of my desk space. How much bigger does it have to be?”

———-

* Tech Support: “Tell me, is the cursor still there?”
* Customer: “No, I’m alone right now.”

———-

* Customer: “I can’t seem to connect to the Internet.”
* Tech Support: “Ah, right. What operating system are you running?”
* Customer: “Netscape.”
* Tech Support: “No, what version of Windows are you using?”
* Customer: “Uhhh…Hewlett Packard?”
* Tech Support: “No, Right click on ‘My Computer,’ and select properties on the menu.”
* Customer: “Your computer? It’s my computer!”
* Tech Support: “No sir, I mean the little picture called ‘My Computer’ on your desktop.”
* Customer: “I don’t see an icon called that on my desktop. I do see one called that on my screen.”
* Tech Support: “Right, just right click that, and choose Properties from the menu.”
* Customer: “Right click?”
* Tech Support: “Just a moment, sir.” (mutes phone) “AAAAAAAARGH.”

———-

* Tech Support: “Ok, ma’am, do you see the button on the right hand side of your mouse?”
* Customer: “No, there’s a printer and a phone on the right hand side of my mouse.”

Hmmmm…. Let’s try a different approach.

———-

Here’s something that occurred while I was reading your page:

* Me: “Ok, press Ctrl, Alt and Del all together. Do you get a screen with lots of programs listed?”
* Customer: “No, it just says ‘Close Program’.”
* Me: “Yes, that’s the name of that window, but are there several programs listed below that?”
* Customer: “Oh. Yes.”
* Me: “Ok, do any of those programs have ‘not responding’ on them?”
* Customer: “No.”
* Me: “You can’t see ‘not responding’ anywhere?”
* Customer: “No.”
* Me: “Ok, please read me what the first few entries are in that list.”
* Customer: “Ok. There’s ‘Microsoft Word [filename] not responding’.”
* Me: “So that has ‘not responding’ on it?”
* Customer: “Yes. Oh, I thought you meant it would be its own entry.”

———-

* Me: “I have put this Movie Magic screen-saver on for you.”
* Manager: “Wow, that’s a nice picture.”
* Me: “Yeah, it’s not bad, is it?”
* Manager: “Can you set the screen-saver so the picture doesn’t change?”
* Me: “Huh?”
* Manager: “You know, so the same picture stays there while we work?”
* Me: “Oh! You want this as the wallpaper?”
* Manager: (angrily) “No! I don’t want you to start decorating the office!”

A man complained to his friend, “My elbow hurts. I better go to the doctor.”
“Don’t do that,” volunteered his friend, “there’s a new computer at the drugstore that can diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

All you have to do is put in a urine sample, deposit $10, then the computer will give you your diagnosis and plan of treatment.”

The man figured he had nothing to lose, so he took a sample of urine down to the drugstore.

Finding the machine, he poured in the urine and deposited $10.

The machine began to buzz and various lights flashed on and off.

After a short pause, a slip of paper popped out on which was printed:

You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water twice a day. Avoid heavy labor. Your elbow will be better in two weeks.

That evening as the man contemplated this breakthrough in medical science, he began to suspect fraud.

To test his theory he mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and teenage daughter.

To top it all off, he masturbated into the jar. He took this concoction down to the drugstore, poured it in the machine and deposited $10.

The machine went through the same buzzing and flashing routine as before then printed out the following message:

Your tap water has lead. Get a filter.

Your dog has worms. Give him vitamins.

Your daughter is on drugs. Get her in rehab.

Your wife is pregnant. It’s not your baby. Get a lawyer.

And if you don’t stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.