World Free Stuff

An older couple is lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a good night’s sleep.

He takes her hand and she responds, “Don’t touch me.” “Why not?” he asks. She answers back, “Because I’m dead.”

The husband says, “What are you talking about? We’re both lying here in bed together and talking to one another.”

She says, “No, I’m definitely dead.” He insists, “You’re not dead. What in the world makes you think you’re dead?”

“Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts”.

A couple return from their honeymoon and it’s obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other. The groom’s best man takes him aside and asks what is wrong.

“Well,” replied the man, “when we had finished making love on the first night, I got up to go to the bathroom and I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking.”

“Oh, I shouldn’t worry about that too much,” said his friend. “I’m sure your wife will get over it soon enough. She can’t expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!”

The groom nodded gently and said, “I don’t know if I can get over it though, she gave me $20 change!”

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during
a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where
they spent their honeymoon 20 years before.

Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their
travel schedules. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida
on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel, and unlike years ago, there was
a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife.
However, he accidentally left out one letter In her email address, and
without noticing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile…somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home
from her husband’s funeral. He was a minister who was called home to
glory after suffering a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages from
relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed
and fainted.

The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor,
and then glanced up and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Date: Thursday, October 13, 2004

Subject: I have arrived!

Dearest Love:
I know you are surprised to hear from me. they have computers
here now, and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I
have just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything
has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow, and look forward to
seeing you then.

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is hot down here!

A wealthy couple prepared to go out for the evening. The woman of the house gave their butler, Jervis, the night off. She said they would return home very late, and she hoped he would enjoy his evening. The wife wasn’t having a good time at the party. So, she came home early, alone. Her husband stayed on, socializing with important clients. As the woman walked into her house, she found Jervis by himself in the dining room. She called him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom.

She turned to him and said, in the voice she knew he must obey, “Jervis, I want you to take off my dress.” This he did, hanging it carefully over a chair. “Jervis,” she continued, “now take off my stockings and garter belt.” Again, Jervis silently obeyed. “Now, Jervis, I want you to remove my bra and panties.” Eyes downcast, Jervis obeyed. Both were breathing heavily, the tension mounting between them. She looked sternly at him and said, “Jervis, if I ever catch you wearing my stuff again, you’re fired!”

A couple were having financial problems until finally they couldn’t stand it any more. The husband said to his wife that is was necessary for her to make some money through prostitution to get by.
So the husband drove her to the place where she had to do the job and in the evening he picked her up again.
“So, how much have you earned today?” the husband asked.
“Well”, the woman responded, “I’ve made one hundred dollars and fifty cents.”
“That’s strange”, the husband responded, “who gave you the fifty cents?”
Said the woman: “All of them, of course!”

Leaving the wedding reception the honeymoon couple hailed a cab to take them to their romantic boutique hotel in the hills. The driver wasn’t too sure how to get there and said he would ask directions when they got closer.

Meanwhile, the lovers couldn’t wait and got down to it on the back seat. Seeing a fork in the road the driver said, “I take the next turn, right?”

“No way, get your own,” said the groom, “this one’s all mine.”