World Free Stuff

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he’d found a cat. She asked him if it was dead or alive.
“Dead.” she was informed.
“How do you know?” she asked her pupil.
“Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move” answered the child innocently.
“You did WHAT?!?” the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
“You know”, explained the boy, “I leaned over and went ‘Pssst!’ and it didn’t move.”

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A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later…. “Da-d….”
“What?”
“I’m thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?”
“No. You had your chance. Lights out.”
Five minutes later: “Da-aaaad…..”
“WHAT?”
“I’m THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??”
“I told you NO! If you ask again, I’ll have to spank you!!”
Five minutes later……”Daaaa-aaaad…..”
“WHAT!”
“When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?”

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An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, “How do you expect to get into Heaven?”
The boy thought it over and said, “Well, I’ll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, “For Heaven’s sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!’”

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One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, “Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?”.
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
“I can’t dear” she said. “I have to sleep in Daddy’s room”.
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: “The big sissy”.

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It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children’s sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, “That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?”.
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor’s clip-on microphone, “Yes, and my Mom says it’s a bitch to iron.”.

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When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, “Mommy, you are getting fat!”.
I replied, “Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy”.
“I know”, she replied, “but what’s growing in your butt?”

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A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, “Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine.”
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped “What are you doing?”
The little boy answered “I’m doing my math homework, Mom.”
“And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?” the mother asked.
“Yes”, he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, “What are you teaching my son in math?”
The teacher replied, “Right now, we are learning addition.”
The mother asked, “And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?”
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, “What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.”

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One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, “…. and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, ‘The sky is falling, the sky is falling!’ “.
The teacher paused then asked the class, “And what do you think that farmer said?”.
One little girl raised her hand and said, “I think he said: “Holy Shit! A talking chicken!”.
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

The Super Computer stood at the end of the Computer Company’s production line. At which point the guided tour eventually arrived. The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo.

“This”, he said, “is the Super Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it”.

At which a Clever Guest stepped forward – there is always one – and spoke into the Computer’s microphone.

“Where is my father?” he asked.

There was a whirring of wheels and flashing of lights that the manufacturers always use to impress lay people, and then a little card popped out.

On it were printed the words: Fishing off Goa.

Clever Guest laughed.

“Actually”, he said, “My father is dead”!

It had been a tricky question! The salesman, carefully chosen for his ability to think fast on his feet, immediately replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as computers were precise, perhaps he might care to rephrase his question and try again?

Clever Guest thought, went to the Computer and this time said, “Where is my mother’s husband?”

Again there was a whirring of wheels and a flashing of lights. And again a little card popped out. Printed on it were the words, “Dead. But your father is still fishing off Goa.”

It’s the Spring in 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He’s
a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front
door, the girl’s father answers and invites him in.

“Carrie’s not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?” He says.

“That’s cool.” Says Bobby.

Carrie’s father asks Bobby what they’re planning to do. Bobby
replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda
shop or a movie.

Carrie’s father responds, “Why don’t you two go out and screw? I
hear all the kids are doing it.”

Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks
Carrie’s Dad to repeat it.

“Yeah,” says Carrie’s father, “Carrie really likes to screw;
she’ll screw all night if we let her!”

Well, this just made Bobby’s eyes light up, and his plan for the
evening was beginning to look pretty good.

A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little
poodle skirt and announces that she’s ready to go. Almost
breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the
front door.

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams
the door behind her, and screams at her father: “For Fuck sake Dad! It’s called the Twist!”

Little Johnny goes to his dad and asks, “What is politics?” Dad says, “Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me Capitalism. Mommy is the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the Government. We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you The People. The nanny, well, consider her The Working Class. Your baby brother, we’ll call him The Future. Now go think about this and see if it makes sense.”

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and runs to his room only to find that his diapers are very soiled. So the little boy goes to his parents’ room. Mom is sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he looks through the peephole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, “Dad, I think I understand what politics is now.”

“Good son, tell me in your own words then what politics are.”

The little boy replies, “Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.”

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, “My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.” The second boy says, “That’s nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.” The third boy says, “I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon and it takes eight people to collect all the money!”

Here is 42 ways to piss of your mam and dad, just for fun don’t take it seriously
it’s a joke anyway

1. Follow them around the house everywhere…
2. Moo when they say your name…
3. Run into walls…
4. Say that wearing clothes is against your religion…
5. Stand over them at four in the morning with a huge grin on your face and say, good morning sunshine…
6. Pluck someone’s hair out and yell, “DNA”…
7. Wear a sticker that says, “im a retard”…
8. Have 20 imaginary friends that you talk to all the time…
9. In public yell, “No Mom/Dad, I will not make out with you!!”…
10. Do what they actually tell you…
11. Jump off the roof, trying to fly…
12. Hold their hand and whisper to them, I see dead people…
13. At everything they say yell, Liar…
14. Try to swim in the floor…
15. Tap on their door all night…
16.Pretend to have amnesia…
17.Say everything backwards…
18.Give yourself a love bite…
19.Run around with a lamp shade on your head yelling, “the sun!!! it’s dying!!!”…
20.Sing at the top of your lungs while running around the house…in your underwear…
21.Have nervous spasms at spontaneous times…
22.Snort loudly when you laugh and then laugh harder…
23.Run in circles…
24.Recite a whole movie 3 times…
25.Pretend to beat yourself up…
26.Slither everywhere…
27.Wear your pants on your head and your shirt on your waist… tell them you’re making a fashion statement…
28.Try and drink out of a glass the wrong way…
29.Super glue your finger up your nose…
30.Talk to a pen…
31.Lay face down and chant like an indian tribe…
32.Try and climb the wall…
33.Spread out on the window and buzz, pretending to be a fly…
34.Take your ice cream cone and put it one your forehead… say you’re a lovely unicorn…
35.Put pegs on your nose and eyes…
36.Switch the light button on and off for a while. then say, “ooooh… I get it!!!”…
37.Eat your hair…
38.Whatever they are eating, tell them it looks like a certain animal…
39.Eat anything obviously not edible…
40.Say your pet is mocking you and chase it around the house…
41.When you shower or bathe yell, “i’m drowning!!!”…
42.Try to snorkel in your fish tank… View High Resolution

Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can`t think of anything I need. $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on

The Reply:

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad