World Free Stuff

Eat right! Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.

Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin c.

Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system.

Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system. Walk for at least hour a day, go for a swim, take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.

Wash your hands often. If you can’t wash them, keep a bottle of antibacterial
stuff around. Wear a mask when out in public places and avoid going out in public as much as possible while the swine flu is spreading. Get lots of fresh air. Open windows whenever possible. Get plenty of rest. Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.

OR …. You can take the doctor’s office approach. Think about it, when you go
for a shot, what do they do first? Clean your arm with alcohol.. Why? Because
alcohol kills germs. So…… I put on my mask, walk to the liquor store (exercise), I put lime in my Corona (fruit), celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies), drink on the bar patio (fresh air), get drunk, tell jokes, and laugh (eliminate stress) and then pass out (rest). The way I see it, if you keep your alcohol levels up flu germs can’t get you!!!!

Three Doctors are discussing which types of patients they prefer. Doctor Watson says, ”I prefer librarians. All their organs are alphabetized.”

Doctor Fitzpatrick says, ”I prefer mathematicians. All their organs are numbered.”

Doctor Ahn says, ”I prefer lawyers. They are gutless, heartless, brainless, spineless, and their heads and rear ends are interchangeable.”

those who get it, good for u.
and those who can’t……

Blonde is coming out of the doctor’s office and is wondering :
- he said aquarius or pisces? aquarius or pisces? i’ll go back and ask again. so she goes back and asks the doc :
- excuse me doctor, it was aquarius or pisces?
- cancer my dear, cancer…

I recently went to my new doctor. After two visits and exhaustive
Lab tests, he said I was doing ‘fairly well’ for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I asked him, “Do you think I’ll live to be 80?”
He asked, “Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?”
“Oh no,” I replied. “I’m not doing drugs, either!”
Then he asked, “Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?”
I said, “No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!”
“Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, Or bicycling?”
“No, I don’t,” I said.
He asked, “Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?”
“No,” I said.
He looked at me and said…. “Then, why do you even give a shit?”

This case happened in a hospital’s Intensive care ward where Patients
always died in the same bed and on all Sunday morning at 11 a.m, regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural.

No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths took place at 11 AM.

So a world-wide expert team was constituted and they decided to go down to the ward to investigate the cause of the incidents. So on next Sunday morning few minutes before 11 a.m. all doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off evil……..

Just when the! clock struck 11…….
and then……

then…..

then……..

Santa Singh, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and Unplugged the life support system & plugged in the vacuum cleaner

After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn’t want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. “A less costly alternative,” said the doctor, “is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.”

The Alabamian said to the doctor, “I may not be the smartest
tool in the shed, but I don’t see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.”

“Trust me,” said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!

“1″

“2″

“3″

“4″

“5″

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Louisiana, Arkansas, Mississippi, Missouri, Florida, West Virginia and Washington DC.

This guy fell asleep on the beach one day and the wind came up and blew sand all over him until he was covered with only his big toe sticking out.

An old nympho was walking down the beach, saw the toe sticking up, pulled down her bikini bottom and squatted over the toe.

She humped away till she was satisfied, pulled up her drawers and left.

The guy woke up, brushed the sand away and left, not knowing what happened. The next day his foot itched like hell, and had a sore on it.

He went to the Dr. and after an exam the doc told him he had syphilis of the big toe.

“Syphilis of the big toe?”, he inquired, “isn’t that rare.”

The doc said “You think that’s rare, I had a woman in here this morning with athlete’s pussy.”

Patient: Docter, Docter! I fell like a pair of curtains!
Docter: Well…pull yourself together then!

Patient: Docter, Docter! People keep ignoring me!
Docter: NEXT!!!

Patient:Docter, Docter! I feel like a index!
Docter:Ill have a WORD with you later!

Patient: Docter, Docter! I fell like a pair of curtains!
Docter: Well…pull yourself together then!

Patient: Docter, Docter! People keep ignoring me!
Docter: NEXT!!!

Patient:Docter, Docter! I feel like a index!
Docter:Ill have a WORD with you later!

Patient: Doctor, Doctor, I broke my arm in two places!
Doctor: Stay out of them places!

Doctor: Well, I have some bad news and some really bad news.
Guy: Well, give me the really bad news first.
Doctor: You have cancer, and only 6 months to live.
Guy: And the bad news?
Doctor: You have Alzheimer’s disease.
Guy: Thank God. I was afraid I had cancer!

Patient: Well, give me the bad news first.
Doctor: You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left.
Patient: OH NO! That’s awful! In two years, my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this???
Doctor: You also have Alzheimer’s. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you.

Patient: My hair keeps falling out. What can you give me to keep it in?
Doctor: A shoebox.

Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I’m under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people.
Doctor: Tell me about your problem.
Patient: I just did, didn’t I, you stupid SOB!!!!!

Patient: Doctor, I have a serious memory problem. I can’t remember anything!
Doctor: So, since when did you have this problem?
Patient: What problem?

Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you to improve your memory?
Patient: What pills?

Patient: Doctor, should I file my nails?
Doctor: No, throw them away like everybody else.

Patient: Doctor, what I need is something to stir me up; something to put me in a fighting mood. Did you put something like that in this prescription?
Doctor: No need for that. You will find that in your bill

Patient: My wife beats me, doctor
Doctor: Oh dear. How often?
Patient: Every time we play Scrabble!

Patient: My tongue tingles when I touch it to a cracked walnut wrapped in used toaster oven aluminum foil, what’s wrong with me?
Doctor: You have far too much free time.

Doctor: Nurse, how is that little boy doing, the one who swallowed ten quarters?
Nurse: No change yet.

Nurse: Doctor, there is an invisible man in your waiting room.
Doctor: Tell him I can’t see him now.

Nurse: Doctor, there is a man in the waiting room with a glass eye named Brown.
Doctor: What does he call his other eye?

Patient: Doctor, I think I need glasses.
Teller: You certainly do. This is a bank.

Prisoner: Look here, doc! You’ve already removed my spleen, tonsils, adenoids, and one of my kidneys. I only came to see if you could get me out of this place!
Doctor: I am, bit by bit.

Doctor: You’re in good health. You’ll live to be 80.
Patient: But, doctor, I am 80 right now.
Doctor: See, what did I tell you.

Patient: I get so nervous and frightened during driving tests!
Doctor: Never mind, you’ll pass eventually.
Patient: But I’m the examiner!

Patient: Doc, will I be able to read with these glasses?
Doctor: You sure will.
Patient: That’s great! I never could read before.

Patient: I always see spots before my eyes.
Doctor: Didn’t the new glasses help?
Patient: Sure, now I see the spots much clearer.

Doctor: You need glasses.
Patient: But I’m wearing glasses, Doc.
Doctor: Then I need glasses.

A guy can’t obtain an erection so he goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and there’s nothing he can do unless he’s willing to try an experimental surgery. The guy asks what the surgery is. The doctor tells him they take the muscles from the base of a baby elephants trunk, insert them in the base of his penis, and hope for the best. The guy says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier so go ahead. The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later gives him the go ahead to “try out his new equipment”. The guy takes his girlfriend out to dinner. While at dinner he starts feeling an incredible pressure in his pants. It gets incredibly unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants. No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs a dinner roll, and disappears back into his pants. His girlfriend sits in shock for a few moments, then gets a sly look on her face. She says “That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?” With his eyes watering and a painful expression on his face, he says “Probably, but I don’t know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!”