World Free Stuff

Lol what a dog

A kid comes home from school and says to his mom, “Mom I’ve got a problem.”
She says “Tell me.” He tells her that the boys at school are using 2 words he doesn’t understand. She asks him what they are.
He says “well, pussy and bitch”.
She says “Oh That’s no big deal, pussy is a cat like our little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy.”
He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement. He says to his dad, “Dad the boys at school are using words I don’t know, and I asked mom and I don’t think she told me the exact meaning.
Dad says “Son, I told you never to go to mom with these matters, she cant handle them. What are the words?”
He tells him…pussy and bitch.
Dad says “OK” and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf, takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centerfold and says, “son, everything inside this circle, is pussy.”
“OK dad, so what’s a bitch?”
“Son” he says, “everything outside that circle.”

A guy walks into a bar with his dog and says, “I’ll have a Scotch and water and my dog would like a whiskey sour.”
The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t allow animals in here.” The dog replies, “Hey, I’m tired of being discriminated against. Just give me a drink.”

The bartender says, “Oh, no, not another ventriloquist with the old talking dog trick. Both of you, get out of here!”

“No, no, no, this isn’t a trick, I promise you,” says the man, “I tell you what, I’ll go for a walk around the block and you talk to Rover here.”

The man leaves and the bartender sees him turn the corner. “Now, can I have my drink.” says the dog.

The bartender is amazed. “Sure you can and it’s on the house! Listen, can you do me a favor? My wife works next door at the cafe. It’ll make her day if you go in and order a cup of coffee. Here’s ten bucks and you can keep the change afterwards.”

“Okay.” says the dog and he takes the ten dollars and leaves.

Ten minutes go by and the dog doesn’t come back. The owner returns and asks where is the dog. So both of them go off to see what happened to the dog. As they approach the cafe, they see Rover going at it hot and heavy with a French poodle in the alley between the bar and cafe. The owner shouts, “Rover! What are you doing! You’ve never done this before!”

The dog shrugged. “Hell, I’ve never had any money before.”

A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door. The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side.

She is wearing a fireman’s hat and has the wagon tied to a dog. The fireman says “Hey little girl. What are you doing?” The little girl says “I’m pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!”

The fireman walks over to take a closer look. “Little girl that sure is a nice fire truck!” the fireman says. “Thanks mister”, says the little girl. The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little girl has tied the dog to the wagon by it’s testicles.

“Little girl”, says the fireman, “I don’t want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog’s neck I think you could go faster.”

The little girl says, “You’re probably right mister, but then I wouldn’t have a siren!”

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when
another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador retriever
in the middle seat next to the man. The first man looks very quizzically at
the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane. The second man
explained that he is a DEA agent and that the dog is a ‘Sniffing dog.’

“His name is Sniffer and he’s the best there is. I’ll show you once we get
airborne, when I put him to work.” The plane takes off, and once it has
leveled out, the agent says: “Watch this.”

He tells Sniffer to “search.” Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and
finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for a several seconds.
Sniffer then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the Agent’s arm..
The agent says, “Good boy”, and he turns to the man and says: “That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I’m making a note of her seat number and the
authorities will apprehend her when we land.” “Say, that’s pretty neat” replies the first man.

Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs
about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and
this time, he places TWO paws on the agent’s arm. The agent says, “That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I’m making a note of his seat number for the police.” “I like it!” says his seat mate.

The agent then told Sniffer to “search” again. Sniffer walked up and down the
aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to
the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop all over the place.

The first man is really grossed out by this behavior and can’t figure out how or
why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asks the agent, “What’s going on?” The agent nervously replied, “He just found a bomb!”

Two brothers have a lifelong dream to immigrate to America. They work hard and save their money. After many years, they have saved enough money and finally emigrate into New York. Before they begin building their new lives in America, they decide to see some of the famous places they dreamed of for so long; the Statue of Liberty, the Empire State Building, the Rockettes, and others. Eventually, they make their way to Coney Island. As they stroll down the beach, taking in all the newness of America, they see a very large billboard that reads: “HOT DOGS,” with a big arrow pointing down to a little hot dog stand. Being hungry and seeing that having an American hot dog would be something new, they decide to try one. So they order two hot dogs and sit on a nearby bench to enjoy another piece of Americana. The first brother sets his hot dog in his lap, unfolds the paper wrapper, looks at his hot dog for a moment, and suddenly wraps it back up. He then turns to his brother and says, “What part of the dog did you get?”

So ….

There you are ….

You’re having a dinner party at your house….
Your parents are there,

Your in-laws are there,
Your boss and his wife are there,

Your minister is there,

Your next door neighbor is there,

The children are all there,

Everyone is settled in for a nice relaxing dinner
and everything seems absolutely perfect. The table is lovely, the food looks delicious, the candles are lit and everyone is getting along famously…

You’re heart is filled with warmth and you think to yourself what a wonderful moment in life this is, nothing could be better and nothing else could matter.

THEN….

in walks the DOG!

(continue reading…)

The son to his father:

- Dad, our house has been robbed 3 times this month, we should get a dog.
- Your right son. Heres 1000€ to buy a real killer dog.

And then the boy went to the pet shop:

- I want to buy a bad dog, a real killer.

Salesman:

- Just a moment i’m going to get it.

After a while the Salesman returns with a shoe box full of holes.

- Here it is. His name is Karaté.
- What?!?! This tiny dog?!?!?
- Watch that table – And the Salesman says to the dog: – Karaté.. TABLE.
Kasttcabum – The dog totaly destroys the table. The kid is amazed with that dog.
- Ill take it.

When he gets home, he shows Karaté to his father:

- What??!?!? That thing?!?!
- It’s Karaté dad.
- Karaté my balls.
- Kratrumbradrontuff!!

A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife, “Wife, we’re going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog.”
The wife grimaces, “But I don’t like fishing!”
“Look! We’re going fishing and that’s final.”
“Do I have to go fishing with you… I really don’t want to go!”
“Right I’ll give you three choices… 1 You come fishing with me and the dog… 2 You give me a BLOW JOB…. 3 or you take it up the ass!”
The wife grimaces again, “But I don’t want to do any of those things!”
“Wife I’ve given you three options.. You’ll HAVE to do one of them! I’m going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!”
The wife sits and thinks about it.
Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, “Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOW JOB, or ass?”
The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, “O.K. I’ll give you a blow job!”
“Great!” He says and drops his pants. The wife is on her knees doing the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband, “Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting… It tastes all shitty!”
“Yes!” says her husband “The dog didn’t want to go fishing either.”