World Free Stuff

A farmer was sitting in a bar getting drunk.

A man came in and asked the farmer, “Hey, why are you sitting here, on this beautiful day, getting drunk?”

The farmer shook his head and replied, “Some things you just can’t explain.”

“So what happened that’s so horrible?”, the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.

“Well,” the farmer said, “Today, I was sitting by my cow, milking her.

Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket.”

“Okay,” said the man, “but that’s not so bad.”

“Some things you just can’t explain,” the farmer replied, “I took her left leg and tied it to the post on her left.

Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.”

The man laughed, “Again?”

The farmer nodded, and replied, “Some things you just can’t explain.

I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.

Well I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail. Some things you just can’t explain.”

“So, what did you do?”

“Well,” the farmer said, “I didn’t have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter.

At that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in…Some things you just can’t explain.”

How a 7 year old explains sex:

Little Johnny was 7 years old and like other boys his age rather curious.

He had been hearing quite a bit about ‘making out’ from the older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done.

One day he took his question to his mother, who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend.

This he did. The following morning, Johnny described EVERYTHING to his mother.

“Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured ‘Sis must be getting sick, because her face started looking funny.

He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just the way the doctor would. Except he’s not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath.

His other hand must have been cold because he put it under her skirt.

About this time ‘Sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This was when her fever started. I knew it was a fever, because Sis told him she felt really hot.

Finally, I found out what was making them so sick……-a big eel ;had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long, honest, anyway he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away.

When Sis saw it, she got really scared-her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she’s ever seen; I should tell her about the ones down at the lake by our house!

Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel’s head to keep it from biting again.

Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight.

Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them.

After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed the eel. I knew because it just hung there, limp, and some of its insides were hanging out.

Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn’t dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again.

I guess eels are like cats- they have nine lives or something. This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After about a 35 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because I saw Sis’s boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet.

A female TV reporter arranged for an interview
with a farmer living just outside Cornerbrook,
Newfoundland, to find the main cause of the Mad
Cow Disease.

The Lady: Good evening, sir. I am here to collect
information on the possible source of Mad Cow
Disease. Can you offer any reason for this
disease?

The Farmer stared at the reporter and said:
Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only
once a year?

The lady reporter (obviously embarrassed):
Well, sir, that’s a new piece of information, but
what’s the relation between this phenomenon and Mad
Cow disease?

The Farmer: And, madam, do you know that we
milk a cow twice a day?

The reporter: Sir, this is really valuable information,
but what about getting to the point?

The Farmer: I am getting to the point, madam.
Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day
and only screwing you once a year, wouldn’t you get mad?