World Free Stuff

Watch this Parody of Deal Or No Deal….

Really funny

Don’t trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn’t die.” – a men’s room in Champaign, IL

“Do I know how fast I was going officer? Yeah, I do. I was doing a hundred and fifteen fuckin miles an hour because I have a huge red pepper of rage lodged into my sphincter muscle.” – Dennis Miller

“Hard work has a future. Laziness pays off now.” – Bumper Sticker

“If a man builds 1000 bridges and sucks 1 dick, no one calls him a bridge builder – they call him a cocksucker.” – Play It to the Bone

“If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs.” – David Daye

“Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him.” – Unknown

“I need to kill NH and Grey off quick so I don’t have to animate so much in M:WTF2″ – Ronald McDonald

“Valentine’s day doesn’t mean anything to me.” – The perfect girlfriend

“This puts the exchange rate at around 15,000 to 25,000 Ultima Online gold units to the U.S. dollar, making a unit of Ultima gold nearly equal in value to the Vietnamese dong.” -Dell News (page 2)

“What do you mean I can’t sell castle deeds I create on Ebay?” – GM Darwin circa 1999

“The more I deal with women, the more I realize that masturbation is king.” – Nighthawk

“If you get to be thirty-five and your job still involves wearing a name tag, you’ve probably made a serious vocational error.” – Dennis Miller

“Canada is a place for prostitutes and their chlamydia-infected clients and it’s a damn good thing they have nationalized health care.” – Bastard test

“Don’t knock masturbation. It’s sex with someone I love.” – Woody Allen

“Women do not snore, burp, sweat or fart. Therefore, they must bitch or they will blow up.” – anon

“If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.” – George Carlin

“Me fail English? That’s unpossible!” – Ralph Wiggum (The Simpsons)

“Some people should die… that’s just unconscious knowledge.” – Jane’s Addiction – Pig’s In Zen

“They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn’t your biggest problem.” – George Carlin

“I’m going to get a racing stripe tatoo’d on my cock.” – Ainvar (at the JoV Gathering)

“Don’t say anything bad about someone until you’ve walked a mile in his shoes. That way, when you say something bad, you’re a mile away, and you’ve got his shoes.” – Jack Handey – Deep Thoughts (SNL)

“<@Logan> I spent a minute looking at my own code by accident.
<@Logan> I was thinking “What the hell is this guy doing?”" – Some random IRC guy

“Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.” – Steven Wright

“I love to go to the schoolyard and watch the children jump and scream, but they don’t know I’m using blanks.” – Jack Handey – Deep Thoughts (SNL)

“Sure, its class based gayness, but at least I get to kill people.” – Joe – Speaking about DAoC

“<NyseriA> Things I’ve learned about war from videogames: If you find yourself mortally wounded by an enemy sniper be sure to let him know that he is a faggot.” – IRC Quote

“The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it.” – George Bernard Shaw

“When it becomes a crime to love, you should probably consider dating outside the family.” – Unknown

“They say a smile is a gift that is free to the giver and precious to the recipient. But giving the finger is free, too, and I find it more personal and sincere.” – Unknown

“You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper out there is white and the best golfer is black.” – Chris Rock

[While discussing his career mistakes] “All of the younger actors keep coming up to me and asking me where all of the land mines are because they know I’ve stepped on them all.” – Burt Reynolds

“‘Tis better to be silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.” – Abraham Lincoln

[speaking of someone who's Internet-brave] “If he spoke to me like that irl, I’d be seeing if I could fit him inside a Wendy’s biggie-size cup.” – IRC Quote

“Only two things are infinite.. the universe, and human stupidity. And I”m not sure about the former.” – Albert Einstein

“That’s enough of that shit.” – Clint Eastwood (directing) after a take, instead of “Cut!”

“Everyone has two cents, but it’s only worth taking from very few people. Most people just swallowed a couple pennies and expect you not to mind when they come out covered in shit.” – Azaroth in his Gamemethod.com interview

“I plan to live forever. So far so good.” – Steven Wright

“Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.” – Oscar Wilde

“Men are like cement… after getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.”
“Women are like a carpet… lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them forever.” – Both Unknown

“The U.S. Government today changed its emblem from an eagle to a condom because it more accurately reflects the government’s political stance. Condoms stand up to inflation, halt production, destroy the next generation, protect pricks, and give a sense of security while actually screwing you!” – Unknown

“I am trying to see things from your perspective but I just can’t get my head that far up my ass.” – Mike Adams

“The difference between intelligence and stupidity is that intelligence has its limits.” – Unknown

“Stephen Hawking wasn’t even smart enough to dodge my pee.” – Joe (slightly drunk)

“Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.” – Douglas Adams

“Beer… the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.” – Homer Simpson

“If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.” – Arthur McAuliff

“You’re about as useful as a poopie-flavored lollipop.” – Rip Torn (in Dodgeball)

“Dreaming frees the soul, energizes the spirit and allows you to do things that would get your ass thrown in jail if you really tried them.” – Unknown

“Hurricanes are like women – when they come, they’re wet and wild, and when they leave they take your house and car.” – Unknown

“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.” – Albert Einstein

“I believe that sex is the most beautiful, natural, and wholesome thing that money can buy.” – Steve Martin

“Having sex with two girls at once is so hot, even gay men fantasize about it.” – Phil from ConsumptionJunction.com

“I can resist everything except temptation.” – Oscar Wilde

“Intelligence is alcohol soluble.” – Unknown

1. Many years ago, in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled “Gentlemen Only…
Ladies Forbidden” … and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

2. The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma
Flintstone.

3. Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.

4. Men can read smaller print better than women can; women can hear better.

5. Coca-Cola was originally green.

6. It is impossible to lick your elbow.

7. The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska

8. The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% ( now get this…)
The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

9. The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400

10. The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000

11. Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

12. The world’s youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.

13. The youngest pope was 11 years old.

14. The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

15. The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

16. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades – King David
Hearts – Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds – Julius Caesar

17. A cute mathematical trick: 111111111 x 111111111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

18. If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the
person died in battle.
If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds
received in battle.
If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

19. Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and
Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn’t
added until 5 years later.

20. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
Their birthplace

21. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
Obsession

22. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find
the letter “A”?
One thousand

23. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all
have in common?
All invented by women.

24. What is the only food that doesn’t spoil?
Honey

25. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?
Father’s Day

26. In Shakespeare’s time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you
pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence
the phrase “goodnight, sleep tight.”

27. It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the
wedding, the bride’s father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could
drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period
was called the honey month… which we know today as the honeymoon.

28. In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts… So in old England, when
customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them “Mind your pints and quarts,
and settle down. It’s where we get the phrase “mind your P’s and Q’s.”

29. Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or
handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to
get some service. “Wet your whistle” is the phrase inspired by this practice.

30. At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.

1. Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

2. At a Budapest zoo:
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS.
IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.

3. Doctor’s office in Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

4. Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner. Japan:
COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL
YOURSELF.

5. In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

6. On the grounds of a Nairobi private school:
NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION.

7. In Aamchi Mumbai restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO.

8. The best! In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

9. Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

10. In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS,
ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.

11. Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM,
IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

12. Advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.

13. A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

14. Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia:
TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.

15. Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

16. The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE.

17. Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

18. In a Japanese cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

(continue reading…)

Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental!

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.

Are your parents siblings?

As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?

Better at sex than anyone; now all he needs is a partner.

Calling you stupid would be an insult to stupid people.

Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?

Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you’d had enough oxygen at birth?

Do you want people to accept you as you are or do you want them to like you?

Don’t you have a terribly empty feeling – in your skull?

Don’t you need a license to be that ugly?

Go ahead, tell them everything you know. It’ll only take 10 seconds.

Have you considered suing your brains for non-support?

He has a mind like a steel trap – always closed!

He is living proof that man can live without a brain!

He is the kind of a man that you would use as a blueprint to build an idiot.

He’s not stupid; he’s possessed by a retarded ghost.

Here’s 20 cents. Call all your friends and bring back some change!

Hi! I’m a human being! What are you?

How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?

I’d like to see things from your point of view but I can’t seem to get my head that far up my ass.

random women insults O.o:

Keep talking, someday you’ll say something intelligent.

I thought of you all day today. I was at the zoo.

I’ll never forget the first time we met – although I’ll keep trying.

Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege.

Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?

Your so narrow minded when you walk your earings knock together.

Your lucky to be born beautiful, unlike me, who was born to be a big liar.

Before you came along we were hungry. Now we are fed up.

Someone said that you are not fit to sleep with pigs. I stuck up for the pigs.

You have a lot of well-wishers. They would all like to throw you down one.

These are extracts from actual letters sent to various councils and housing associations throughout the uk.
I put an age cap on this as the letters contain rude but amusing when misread. there are more but there not as good as these.

1. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

2. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

3. I wish to report that the tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof, I think it was that bad wind the other night that blew them off.

4. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path, my wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

5. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. 50% of the walls are damp 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.

6. Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

7. I want to complain about the farmer across the road, every morning at 6:00am his cock wakes me up and now its getting to much for me.

8. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.

9. Please send a man with the right tools to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

And the last one cracks me up XD
10. My bush is really overgrown around the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

Here is the list of another series of weird question enjoy yourself.

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

If money doesn’t grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

Why do you have to “put your two cents in”… but it’s only a “penny for your thoughts”? Where’s that extra penny going to?

Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?

Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see you naked anyway.

If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

Why is “bra” singular and “panties” plural?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!”

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

When your photo is taken for your driver’s license, why do they tell you to smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are you going to be smiling?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don’t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!

What do you call male ballerinas?

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?

If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn’t he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it’s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it’s in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?