World Free Stuff

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders.

The man says, “I’ll have a hamburger, fries and a coke,” and turns to
the ostrich, “What’s yours?” “I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. “That will
be $10.40 please,” and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls
out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says,
“I’ll have a hamburger, fries and a coke,” and the ostrich says,
“I’ll have the same.”

Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.
“The usual?” asks the waitress.

“No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato
and salad,” says the man, “same for me,” says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says,
“That will be $21.62.” Once again the man pulls exact change out
of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can’t hold back her curiosity any longer.
“Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with
the exact change out of your pocket every time?”

“Well,” says the man, “several years ago I was cleaning the attic
and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and
offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,
I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount
of money would always be there.”

“That’s brilliant!” says the waitress. “Most people would wish for a
million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you
want for as long as you live!”

“That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the
exact money is always there,” says the man.

The waitress asks, “One other thing, sir, what’s with the ostrich?”
The man sighs, pauses, and answers…

“My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs…
who agrees with everything I say.

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, “Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I’m a one-wish genie. So .. what’ll it be?”
The woman did not hesitate. She said, “I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony.”

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, “Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I’m out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years … I’m good but not THAT good! I don’t think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable.”

The woman thought for a minute and said , “Well, I’ve never been able to find the right man. You know – one that’s considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is good in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn’t watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for . . a good man.”

The genie let out a sigh and said, “Let me see the Stupid map again.”

A man finds an old lamp that his wife bought on a vacation, the lamp had a glow
surrounding it. The man decides to rub the lamp, and out comes a wish granting genie.

The genie says : “You have three wishes, but there’s a catch. What ever you wish for your wife
gets double!”

The man looks at the genie and says : “Ok. Give me a brand new car !”
Genie says : “Alright, but your wife gets two of them.”

The man says : “Give me a big house.”
Genie says : “Kay, your wife gets two. You’re down to your last wish… better make it count !”

The man thinks for a while, then looks at the genie and says : ” Alright i’m ready to make my last wish ! ”
Genie says : “State it then.”
The man says, with a big smile on his face : ” Beat me half to death”

While walking along a beach, a man finds a lamp and rubs it off.

A genie appears and offers to grant the man one wish.

The man replys, “What about three?” The genie retorts ” Look pal, I’m in a hurry, I’ve been cooped up in that damn lamp for. . .”

“OK, alright” the guy responds.

“Tell you what, I’m tired of paying for airplane tickets to Hawaii. I’d like you to build a bridge from California to Hawaii.”

This pisses the genie off.

He screams, “Hey, this isn’t the movies. Your wish has to be practical.”

“Do you know the engineering it would take to design that, the materials it would take, you’d have to compensate for plate techtonics, the continental shelf. . .”

“Geez” the guy responds, “Well, I’d really like to understand women.”

The genie responds “Did you want two lanes or four? “

A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp
partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.

Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three
wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.
The next thing the guy knows, he’s in a bedroom, in a mansion
surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and
begins to explore the house.

Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the
floor is covered in $1,000 bills. Then, there’s a knock at the door…
He answers it and standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux
Klan outfits.

They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb
and hang him by the neck until he’s dead.

As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods; it’s the two
blonde genies.

One blonde genie says to the other one,” I can understand the first
wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to.
I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire but…..

…why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me!”

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said, “OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I’m getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!” The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, “I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii but I’m scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?” The genie laughed and said, “That’s impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete…how much steel!! No, think of another
wish.” The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, “I’ve been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don’t care and that I’m insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women….know how they feel inside and what they’re thinking when they give me the silent treatment….know why they’re crying, know what they really want when they say ‘nothing’….know how to make them truly happy….”
The genie asked, “Do you want that bridge two lanes or four?”