World Free Stuff

God is tired, worn out. So he speaks to St. Peter, "You know, I need a vacation. Got any suggestions where I should go?"

St. Peter, thinking, nods his head, then says, "How about Jupiter? It’s nice and warm there this time of the year."

God shakes His head before saying, "No. Too much gravity. You know how that hurts my back."

"Hmmm," St. Peter reflects. "Well, how about Mercury?"

"No way!" God mutters, "It’s way too hot for me there!"

"I’ve got it," St. Peter says, his face lighting up. "How about going Down to Earth for your vacation?"

Chuckling, God remarks, "Are you kidding? Two thousand years ago I went there, had an affair with some nice Jewish girl, and they’re STILL talking about it!"

A couple had two little boys, ages eight and ten, who were excessively mischievous.

The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be confident that if any mischief occurred in their town, their two young sons were involved in some capacity. The parents were at their wit’s end as to what to do about their sons’ behavior.

The parents had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so they contacted him, and he agreed to give it his best shot. He asked to see the boys individually, so the eight-year-old was sent to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, “Where is God?”

The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, “Where is God?”

Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face, “WHERE IS GOD?”

At that, the boy bolted from the room, ran directly home, and slammed himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, “What happened?”

The younger brother replied, “We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!”

Nun is playing football with priest. She’s goalkeeping and he shoots :
- FUCK! what a miss…
Nun says:
- stop swearing father, or god will punish you with the lightning.
Priest shoots again :
- FUCK! what a miss…
Nun :
- father… i told you something.
Priest shoots for the 3rd time :
- FUCK! what a miss…
Lightning strikes from heaven, nun lies dead and voice comes from heaven :
- FUCK! what a miss…

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00. When the postal authorities received the letter to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush.
The President was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The President thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:
“Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, D.C., and those assholes deducted $95.00 in taxes.”

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.

Eventually on the seventh day Michael the Arch Angel found him, resting. He inquired of God, “Where have you been?”

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds.

“Look Michael, look what I’ve made.” said God.

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, “What is it?”

“It’s a planet,” replied God, “and I’ve put LIFE on it. I’m going to call it Earth and it’s going to be a great place of balance.”

“Balance?” inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. “For example, North America will be a place of great of opportunity and wealth while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot and Russia will be a cold spot. Over there I’ve placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people.”

God continued pointing to different countries. “This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.

The Archangel, impressed by God’s work, then pointed to a small land mass and said, “What’s that one?”

“Ah,” said God. “That’s New Zealand, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, streams and hills. The people from New Zealand are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they’re going to be found traveling the world. They’ll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace.”

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, “What about balance, God? You said there would be BALANCE!”

God replied wisely, “Wait until you see the wankers I’m putting next to them. I shall call them ‘Australians’”.

Jesus and Satan were having an argument as to who was the better programmer. This went on for days until they agreed to hold a contest with God as the judge. They sat at their computers and began.

They typed furiously for several hours, lines of code streaming up on the screen. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning struck, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power was restored, and God announced that the contest was over. He asked Satan to show what he had come up with. Satan was visibly upset, and cried, “I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out.”

“Very well, then,” God said, “Let us see if Jesus did any better.”
Jesus entered a command, and the screen came to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir poured forth from the speakers. Satan was astonished. He stuttered, “But how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus’ program is intact! How did he do it?”

God chuckled, “Jesus saves”

Arthur (Harley)Davidson, died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, “Since you’ve been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven.”

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, “I want to hang out with God.”

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, “Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?”

Arthur said, “Yep, that’s me.”

God said, “Well, what’s the big deal in inventing something that’s pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can’t run without a road?”

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, “Excuse me, but aren’t You the inventor of woman?”

God said, “Yes.”

“Well,” said Arthur, “professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There’s too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!”

“Hmmm, you have some good points there,” replied God, “hold on.” God went to His Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

“Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,” God said to Arthur, “but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours.”

there was this school of kids one day and the teacher asked timmy a 9 year old kid,

teacher:timmy do u see the trees?
timmy: yes i do
teacher:do u see the grass?
timmy: yes i do
teacher: go outside and try to see the sky
timmy comes back 2 mins later saying yes teacher i see the sky
teacher:ok timmy did u see god when u looked at the sky?
timmy:no
teacher:thats right u didnt see him, its cause he doesnt exist thats why u cant see him

then this little girl raises her hand and she asks the teacher if she can ask timmy some questions..the teacher says yes go right ahead

girl: timmy do u see the trees?
timmy:YES!
girl: timmy do u see the grass?
timmy: Yess omg
girl: do u see the sky?
timmy:Yes!
girl: do u see the teachers brain?
timmy: no
girl: thats right u cant see it, its cause it doesnt exist!

Once upon a time there were two brothers. One brother was very mischievous, always getting into trouble. The other brother, however, was very good. He was always kind to animals, helped elderly neighbours, and led an exemplary life.

As time went on, the brothers stayed in touch but were never close. The evil brother became a heavy drinker and a womaniser. The other brother was a devoted husband and father and supported many charities.

One day the evil brother died. Then, after a few years, the good brother passed away. He went to heaven and was rewarded with a happy afterlife.

One day he went to God and asked, “Where is my brother? He died before me, but I have not seen him here in heaven.”

God replied, “As you know, your brother led an evil life, so he is not spending eternity here in heaven. He has been sent elsewhere.” I’m sorry to hear that”, the good brother replied. “But I do miss him and wish I could see him again.” “You can see him if you wish”, God said “I will give you the power to gaze into hell.”

So the power was granted and the good brother gazed into hell. Before long he saw his brother sitting on a bench. In one arm he held a keg of beer, and in the other he cradled a gorgeous young blonde.

The good brother turned to God and said, “I can’t believe what I’m seeing. I have found my brother, and he has a keg of beer in one arm and a beautiful woman in the other. Surely, hell can not be that bad.”

God explained. “Things are not always as they seem, my son. The keg has a hole in it. The blonde doesn’t.”