World Free Stuff

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he’d found a cat. She asked him if it was dead or alive.
“Dead.” she was informed.
“How do you know?” she asked her pupil.
“Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move” answered the child innocently.
“You did WHAT?!?” the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
“You know”, explained the boy, “I leaned over and went ‘Pssst!’ and it didn’t move.”

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A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later…. “Da-d….”
“What?”
“I’m thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?”
“No. You had your chance. Lights out.”
Five minutes later: “Da-aaaad…..”
“WHAT?”
“I’m THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??”
“I told you NO! If you ask again, I’ll have to spank you!!”
Five minutes later……”Daaaa-aaaad…..”
“WHAT!”
“When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?”

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An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, “How do you expect to get into Heaven?”
The boy thought it over and said, “Well, I’ll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, “For Heaven’s sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!’”

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One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, “Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?”.
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
“I can’t dear” she said. “I have to sleep in Daddy’s room”.
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: “The big sissy”.

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It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children’s sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, “That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?”.
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor’s clip-on microphone, “Yes, and my Mom says it’s a bitch to iron.”.

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When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, “Mommy, you are getting fat!”.
I replied, “Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy”.
“I know”, she replied, “but what’s growing in your butt?”

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A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, “Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine.”
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped “What are you doing?”
The little boy answered “I’m doing my math homework, Mom.”
“And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?” the mother asked.
“Yes”, he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, “What are you teaching my son in math?”
The teacher replied, “Right now, we are learning addition.”
The mother asked, “And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?”
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, “What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.”

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One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, “…. and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, ‘The sky is falling, the sky is falling!’ “.
The teacher paused then asked the class, “And what do you think that farmer said?”.
One little girl raised her hand and said, “I think he said: “Holy Shit! A talking chicken!”.
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

A mother worries that her teenage daughter is having sex and might get pregnant, so she consults several parenting websites for advice.

Later that evening, as her daughter prepares for a date, the mother sits down to talk with her. “I know you are adult enough to make the right decision about your body. But I want you to please try to abstain from sex until you’re married. If you must have sex, then please use protection.”

Feeling proud of herself for being so pro-active, the mother hands her daughter a box of condoms.

The daughter laughs and hugs her mother. “Oh Mom! You don’t have to worry about that! I’m dating a girl!”

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom,

“You know what?” says the 7 year old, “I think its time we started swearing…., so when we go downstairs for breakfast ill swear first then you do, ok?”

“Okay” agrees the 4 year old

So they are sat at the breakfast table when mum comes in and asks
“What shall we have for breakfast”

The 7 year old repies “Shit mum i think ill have coco popps”

WWWWHWHHHHHHAAAAACCCCCCCKKKKKKK, The kid goes flying off his chair with a single slap from his mother, skidding across the kitchen floor and screaming

Mum then turns to the 4 year old and says “what will you be wanting then”

The 4 year old blubbers out
“I dont know mum, but it wont be fucking coco popps”

There was an Elderly lady that lived with her husband, of course he died one day of a heart attack.

The elderly lady Is very upset and feels she can not go on living without her beloved husband.

So she searches the Internet to try and find a way of ending her lonely life, she soon decides she will end it all with a bullet to the heart, but she wanted to get it just right…no mess ups.

She makes a phone call to her son who is a doctor, she says “Where exactly would i find my heart?”

Her son replies simply with “Behind Your left breast, why?”
She hangs up…
A few hours later her son gets a phone call from the hospital he works at.
“You have to come in right away, your mother has just come into A&E, she has shot herself in the left kneecap.”

A mother passing by her daughter’s bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, “Mom.” With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Mom: It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I’ve been finding real passion with Ahmed and he is so nice-even with all his piercings, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes. But it’s not only the passion Mom, I’m pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me and that’s now one of my dreams too. Ahmed taught me that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone and we’ll be growing it for us and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we’ll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Ahmed can get better; he sure deserves it!! Don’t worry Mom, I’m 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I’m sure we’ll be back to visit so you can get to know your grand children.

Your daughter, Judith

PS: Mom, none of the above is true. I’m over at the neighbor’s house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that’s in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

Mom brought her son to bank and there was a long queue.

Mom: Stop running around

*Son continues to scramble around bank*

Mom: That’s it! *Grab son by his hand*

Mom: If you carry on this attitude, i’m gonna tell dad how you ran around the bank so he can punish you

Son: (Shouts loudly) If your carry on holding on to my hand, i’m going to tell granny how you kissed daddy’s pee pee last night.

*Everyone in bank stares in horror*

The Captain called the Sergeant in. “Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones’ mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me.”

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. “Listen up, men,” says the Sergeant. “Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander.”

Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. “Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn’t you be a bit more tactful, next time?”

“Yes, sir,” answered the Sarge.

A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, “Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath’s mother died. You’d better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful.”

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. “Ok, men, fall in and listen up.” “Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward.”

“Not so fast, McGrath!”

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn’t help noticing how handsome John’s roommate was. She had long been suspicious of Johns’ sexual orientation and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom’s thoughts, John volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Mark and I are just roommates.”

About a week later, Mark came to John and said, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the beautiful silver spoon. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?”

John said, “Well, I doubt it, but I’ll write her a letter just to be sure.” So he sat down and wrote: “Dear Mother, I’m not saying you ‘did’ take a spoon from my house, and I’m not saying you ‘did not’ take a spoon. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.”

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: “Dear Son, I’m not saying that you ‘do’ sleep with Mark, and I’m not saying that you ‘do not’ sleep with Mark. But the fact remains that if he was sleeping in his own bed, he would have found the silver spoon by now. Love, Mom

Ron took a girl out on her first date. When they pulled off into a secluded area around midnight, the girl said, “My mother told me to say no to everything.”

“Well,” Ron said, “do you mind if I put my arm around you?”

“No,” the girl replied.

“Do you mind if I put my other hand on your leg?”

“N-n-no,” the girl replied.

“You know,” Ron said, “We’re going to have a lotta fun if you’re on the level about this.”

Three sons left home, went out on their own, and prospered.

Getting back together, they discussed the gifts that they were
able to give to their elderly mother.

The first said, “I built a big house for our mother.”

The second said, “I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.”

The third smiled and said, “I’ve got you both beat.
You know how Mom enjoys the Bible and you know she
can’t see very well. I sent her a brown parrot that can recite
the entire Bible. It took 20 monks in a monastery 12 years
to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000
a year for 10 years, but it was worth it. Mom just has to
name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it.”
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks:
She wrote the first son, “Milton, the house you built is so
huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the
whole house.”

She wrote the second son, “Marvin, I am too old to travel.
I stay home all the time, so I never use the Mercedes.
And the driver is so rude!”

She wrote the third son, “Dearest Melvin, you were the only
son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes.
The chicken was delicious.