World Free Stuff

There was magician on a cruise ship, and he was really good.

He was performing the highlight of his show when a parrot walked onstage and squawked, ”It’s in his sleeve!”

The magician chased the bird away.

The next day the magician was performing his highlight again (in front of a smaller audience) when the parrot walked onstage and declared, ”It’s in his pocket!”

The next day, as he was performing the highlight, he saw the parrot in the crowd. But before the parrot could ruin the magic trick, the boat crashed into a rock and sank.

The magician was lucky enough to find a board to hang on to. On the other end of the board was the parrot.

They stared at each other for three full days, neither of them saying anything, when suddenly the parrot said, ”I give up, what’d you do with the ship?”

Three sons left home, went out on their own, and prospered.

Getting back together, they discussed the gifts that they were
able to give to their elderly mother.

The first said, “I built a big house for our mother.”

The second said, “I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.”

The third smiled and said, “I’ve got you both beat.
You know how Mom enjoys the Bible and you know she
can’t see very well. I sent her a brown parrot that can recite
the entire Bible. It took 20 monks in a monastery 12 years
to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000
a year for 10 years, but it was worth it. Mom just has to
name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it.”
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks:
She wrote the first son, “Milton, the house you built is so
huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the
whole house.”

She wrote the second son, “Marvin, I am too old to travel.
I stay home all the time, so I never use the Mercedes.
And the driver is so rude!”

She wrote the third son, “Dearest Melvin, you were the only
son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes.
The chicken was delicious.

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to “clean up” the bird’s vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.

John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and said “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.”

John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued,

“May I ask what the turkey did?”

*Happy Thanksgiving*

Late one night, a burgler broke into a house. As he tiptoed through the living room, he heard a voice say: “Jesus is watching you!”

Nothing happened, so the burgler crept forward again. “Jesus is watching you” – said the voice.

The burgler stopped dead in his tracks. He looked around. In a dark corner he spotted a bird cage with a parrot in it.

“Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?” he asked.

“Yes” said the parrot.

The burgler breathed a sigh of relief, then asked the parrot, “What’s your name?”

“Clarence” answered the bird.

“That’s a dumb name for a parrot,” sneered the burgler. “What idiot named you Clarence?”

The parrot’s answer: “The same idiot who named that bulldog Jesus.”