World Free Stuff

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four-hour, surgical procedure.

A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

“Nurse”, he mumbles, from behind the mask. “Are my testicles black?”

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, “I don’t know, Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet.

He struggles to ask again, “Nurse, are my testicles black?”

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says, “There’s nothing wrong with them, Sir!”

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, “Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely……

A r e – m y – t e s t s – r e s u l t s – b a c k?”

A man goes to a Psychologist and says, “Doc I got a real problem, I can’t stop thinking about sex.”
The Psychologist says, “Well let’s see what we can find out”, and pulls out his ink blots. “What is this a picture of?” he asks.
The man turns the picture upside down then turns it around and states, “That’s a man and a woman on a bed making love.”

The Psychologist says, “very interesting,” and shows the next picture. “And what is this a picture of?”
The man looks and turns it in different directions and says, “That’s a man and a woman on a bed making love.”

The Psychologists tries again with the third ink blot, and asks the same question, “What is this a picture of?”
The patient again turns it in all directions and replies, “That’s a man and a woman on a bed making love.”

The Psychologist states, “Well, yes, you do seem to be obsessed with sex.”
“Me!?” demands the patient. “You’re the one who keeps showing me the dirty pictures!”

Patient: Docter, Docter! I fell like a pair of curtains!
Docter: Well…pull yourself together then!

Patient: Docter, Docter! People keep ignoring me!
Docter: NEXT!!!

Patient:Docter, Docter! I feel like a index!
Docter:Ill have a WORD with you later!

Patient: Docter, Docter! I fell like a pair of curtains!
Docter: Well…pull yourself together then!

Patient: Docter, Docter! People keep ignoring me!
Docter: NEXT!!!

Patient:Docter, Docter! I feel like a index!
Docter:Ill have a WORD with you later!

Patient: Doctor, Doctor, I broke my arm in two places!
Doctor: Stay out of them places!

Doctor: Well, I have some bad news and some really bad news.
Guy: Well, give me the really bad news first.
Doctor: You have cancer, and only 6 months to live.
Guy: And the bad news?
Doctor: You have Alzheimer’s disease.
Guy: Thank God. I was afraid I had cancer!

Patient: Well, give me the bad news first.
Doctor: You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left.
Patient: OH NO! That’s awful! In two years, my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this???
Doctor: You also have Alzheimer’s. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you.

Patient: My hair keeps falling out. What can you give me to keep it in?
Doctor: A shoebox.

Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I’m under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people.
Doctor: Tell me about your problem.
Patient: I just did, didn’t I, you stupid SOB!!!!!

Patient: Doctor, I have a serious memory problem. I can’t remember anything!
Doctor: So, since when did you have this problem?
Patient: What problem?

Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you to improve your memory?
Patient: What pills?

Patient: Doctor, should I file my nails?
Doctor: No, throw them away like everybody else.

Patient: Doctor, what I need is something to stir me up; something to put me in a fighting mood. Did you put something like that in this prescription?
Doctor: No need for that. You will find that in your bill

Patient: My wife beats me, doctor
Doctor: Oh dear. How often?
Patient: Every time we play Scrabble!

Patient: My tongue tingles when I touch it to a cracked walnut wrapped in used toaster oven aluminum foil, what’s wrong with me?
Doctor: You have far too much free time.

Doctor: Nurse, how is that little boy doing, the one who swallowed ten quarters?
Nurse: No change yet.

Nurse: Doctor, there is an invisible man in your waiting room.
Doctor: Tell him I can’t see him now.

Nurse: Doctor, there is a man in the waiting room with a glass eye named Brown.
Doctor: What does he call his other eye?

Patient: Doctor, I think I need glasses.
Teller: You certainly do. This is a bank.

Prisoner: Look here, doc! You’ve already removed my spleen, tonsils, adenoids, and one of my kidneys. I only came to see if you could get me out of this place!
Doctor: I am, bit by bit.

Doctor: You’re in good health. You’ll live to be 80.
Patient: But, doctor, I am 80 right now.
Doctor: See, what did I tell you.

Patient: I get so nervous and frightened during driving tests!
Doctor: Never mind, you’ll pass eventually.
Patient: But I’m the examiner!

Patient: Doc, will I be able to read with these glasses?
Doctor: You sure will.
Patient: That’s great! I never could read before.

Patient: I always see spots before my eyes.
Doctor: Didn’t the new glasses help?
Patient: Sure, now I see the spots much clearer.

Doctor: You need glasses.
Patient: But I’m wearing glasses, Doc.
Doctor: Then I need glasses.

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, “Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn’t turn up.

“Sure,” they said, “You’re welcome.”

So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, “What do you do for a living?”

“I’m a hit man,” was the reply.

“You’re joking!” was the response.

“No, I’m not,” he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper’s rifle with a large telescopic sight. “Here are my tools.”

“That’s a beautiful telescopic sight,” said the other friend, “Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here.” So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. “Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom … HaHa! I can see she’s naked!! Hey! Wait a minute, that’s my neighbor in there with her … He’s naked, too!!! The bitch!”

He turned to the hitman, “How much do you charge for a hit?”

“I do a flat rate: one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger.”

“Can you do two for me now?”

“Sure, what do you want?” asked the hitman.

“First, shoot my wife, she’s always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he’s a friend of mine, and just a kid, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson.”

The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

“Are you going to do it or not?” said the irate husband impatiently.

“Just be patient,” said the hitman calmly, “She’s kneeling down in front him … I think I can save you a grand here…”

“Doc,” says Steve, “I want to be castrated.”
“What on earth for?” asks the doctor in amazement.
“It’s something I’ve been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done” replies Steve.
“But have you thought it through properly?” asks the doctor, “It’s a very serious operation and once it’s done, there’s no going back. It will change your life forever!”
“I’m aware of that and you’re not going to change my mind; either you book me in to be castrated or I’ll simply go to another doctor.”
“Well, OK.”, says the doctor, “But it’s against my better judgment!”
So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way. “Hi there,” says Steve, “It looks as if you’ve just had the same operation as me.”
“Well,” said the patient, “I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised.”
Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, “Shit! THAT’S the word!”

A very homely young woman made an appointment with a psychiatrist. She walked into his office and said, “Doctor, I’m so depressed and lonely. I don’t have any friends, no man will come near me and everybody laughs at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness?” “I’m sure I can,” the psychiatrist replied. “Just go over and lie face down on that couch, and we’ll get started.

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient’s room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half. Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet. The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, “Can’t you see I’m sawing this piece of wood in half?” The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, “Oh. He’s my friend, but he’s a little crazy. He thinks he’s a light bulb.” The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2’s face is going all red. The doctor asks Patient #1, “If he’s your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself?” Patient #1 replies, “What? And work in the dark?”