World Free Stuff

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders.

The man says, “I’ll have a hamburger, fries and a coke,” and turns to
the ostrich, “What’s yours?” “I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. “That will
be $10.40 please,” and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls
out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says,
“I’ll have a hamburger, fries and a coke,” and the ostrich says,
“I’ll have the same.”

Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.
“The usual?” asks the waitress.

“No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato
and salad,” says the man, “same for me,” says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says,
“That will be $21.62.” Once again the man pulls exact change out
of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can’t hold back her curiosity any longer.
“Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with
the exact change out of your pocket every time?”

“Well,” says the man, “several years ago I was cleaning the attic
and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and
offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,
I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount
of money would always be there.”

“That’s brilliant!” says the waitress. “Most people would wish for a
million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you
want for as long as you live!”

“That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the
exact money is always there,” says the man.

The waitress asks, “One other thing, sir, what’s with the ostrich?”
The man sighs, pauses, and answers…

“My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs…
who agrees with everything I say.

Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins talking about himself/herself.

When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food.

Without asking, eat off of your date’s plate. Eat more from their plate than they do.

Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full, and spray crumbs. If a crumb lands anywhere near your date, pick up the crumb, put it in your mouth and say, “I’m all about conservation.”

Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being placed in front of you.

Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head waiter/ hostess and ask for another table in a different part of the restaurant. Order another meal. When your date finally finds you, ask them “What took you so long in the bathroom?”

Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next to you.

Ask the people at neighboring tables for food from their plates.

Beg your date to tattoo your name on their derriere. Keep bringing the subject up periodically throughout the meal.

Order a bucket of lard.

Ask for crayons to color the placemat. You’ll need to be extra persuasive in fancier restaurants with linen tablecloths.

Howl and whistle at women’s legs, especially if you are female.

Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets and relatives.

Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the windows, w with a good view of all exits, and where your back will be facing a wall. Act nervous.

Lick your plate. Offer to lick your date’s.

Hum. Loudly. In monotone.

Stare at your date’s neck and grind your teeth audibly.

Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don’t know what they are talking about.

Drool.

Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms outstretched, and make airplane sounds.

Sacrifice French fries to a Pagon god.

Discretely fill your pockets with sugar packets, napkins, salt shakers, silverware, floral arrangements, etc…

Hold a debate. Take both sides.

Undress your date verbally.

Attempt to auction your date off to people nearby.

After getting your food slide under the table. Take your plate with you.

Order a baked potato. When the waiter brings your food, hide the potato, wait a few minutes, and ask the waiter for the potato you “never got”. When the waiter returns with another potato, have the first one back on your plate.

Order beef tongue. Make lewd comparisons or comments about it.

Get your date drunk. Talk about their philosophy and tape the conversation. Later use good judgment in editing to twist their words around.

Discuss boils and lesions, as if from personal experience.

Occasionally speak in Pig Latin throughout the meal.

Take a break, and go into the restroom. When you return to the table, throw a spare pair of underwear on the back of one of the chairs. Tell your date, “They need to air out.”

Order for your date. Order more food then he/she can possible eat. Tell them they “must eat it all or suffer the consequences.”

If they are paying, order the most expensive thing on the menu. Take one bite, pretend like the food is disgusting and say, “Man, did you get ripped off!”

Bring twenty candles with you to the restaurant. During the meal get up and arrange them around the table in a circle. Chant.