World Free Stuff

There was magician on a cruise ship, and he was really good.

He was performing the highlight of his show when a parrot walked onstage and squawked, ”It’s in his sleeve!”

The magician chased the bird away.

The next day the magician was performing his highlight again (in front of a smaller audience) when the parrot walked onstage and declared, ”It’s in his pocket!”

The next day, as he was performing the highlight, he saw the parrot in the crowd. But before the parrot could ruin the magic trick, the boat crashed into a rock and sank.

The magician was lucky enough to find a board to hang on to. On the other end of the board was the parrot.

They stared at each other for three full days, neither of them saying anything, when suddenly the parrot said, ”I give up, what’d you do with the ship?”

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, “Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink.”

They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore.

The male was enraged that they were going to get away and said to the female, “lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore.” At this point, the male whale realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.

“What’s the matter darling?”

“Look,” she said, “I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen.”

A captain of his ship was sailing the seas one afternoon, when suddenly over the horizon a pirate ship was seen. The captain yells “Everyone prepare for battle, and hand me my red jacket.” To which one of the crew members complied and handed him his jacket which he put on. The battle ended victoriously for the ship and his captain and they continued on in their voyage. Later, they again spotted pirates, this time two ships were a approaching. “Men, we must go to battle again! Someone get me my red jacket!” And a crew member brought the jacket and the captain put it on. After a fierce war, and a truly stunning effort of the ships crew, the pirates were defeated. Noticing a trend, one of the ships crew members approaches the captain, “Why is it every time we go to war with another ship, you request to wear your red jacket?” To which the captain replies, “Well, if for some reason I should be injured and bleed, the red jacket will not show my wounds and thus the crew will not be alarmed and worried of my condition.” The crew member agrees that this is a good strategy and continues with his work. Later that day over the horizon, a massive fleet of pirate ships, 10 in all, come over the horizon. The nervous crew looks up at the captain and he yells “Everyone prepare for battle, and hand me my brown pants!”

A pirate walks off his ship. He has a wooden leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over his right eye. He sits down on a bench, and begins throwing peanuts to the seagulls. Two curious young children shyly sit down next to him and ask the pirate how he came to have a wooden leg.

The pirate replies, “Well, I was standing on the deck of me ship one day, and a wave washed me overboard. Then, a hungry shark attacked me and bit me leg off.” The little boy then asks, “How did you lose your hand?”

“Many years ago, I was fighting the Navy, and one of them boys cut me hand off. Me doc couldn’t find a hand, so he gave me this hook.” Next, the little girl asks, “How did you lose your eye?”

“Well, I was standing watch up in the crow’s nest, and just as I looked up, a lousy seagull flew over and did his business right in me eye.” The children, now thoroughly confused, ask, “How did that cause you to lose your eye?”

The pirate explains, “Well, it was me first day with the hook.”

This is the actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the chief of naval operations, 10-10-95.

CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your couse 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.

CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

CANADIANS: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

AMERICANS: This is the Aircraft Carrier US LINCOLN, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied with three Destroyers, three Cruisers and numerous support vessels. I DEMAND that you change your course 15 degrees north. I say again, that’s one-five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.

CANADIANS: This is a lighthouse. Your call.