World Free Stuff

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one…

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Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can’t get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it’s really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn’t sound good; I’ll make a note.
Customer: No,wait a minute… I hadn’t inserted it yet… it’s still on my desk… sorry….

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Tech support: Click on the ‘my computer’ icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?

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Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello.. I can’t print.
Tech support: Would you click on “start” for me and…
Customer: Listen pal; don’t start getting technical on me! I’m not Bill Gates.

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Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can’t print. Every time I try, it says ‘Can’t find printer’. I’ve even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can’t find it…

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Customer: I have problems printing in red…
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah………………..thank you.

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Tech support: What’s on your monitor now, ma’am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.

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Tech support: Your password is the small letter “a” as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?

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Customer: can’t get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I’m sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.

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Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That’s not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry…Internet Explorer.

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Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

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Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I’m writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter ‘a’ in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?

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A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: “No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.”

And last but not least…

Tech support:”Okay Bob, let’s press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter “P” to bring up the Program Manager.”

Customer: I don’t have a P.

Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.

Customer: What do you mean?

Tech support: “P”…..on your keyboard, Bob.

Customer: I’M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!

Actual dialog of a former Wordperfect Customer Support employee:

“Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?”
“Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.”
“What sort of trouble?”
“Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.”
“Went away?”
“They disappeared.”
“Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?”
“Nothing.”
“Nothing?”
“It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.”
“Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?”
“How do I tell?”
“Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?”
“What’s a sea-prompt?”
“Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?”
“There isn’t any cursor: I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.”
“Does your monitor have a power indicator?”
“What’s a monitor?”
“It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?”
“I don’t know.”
“Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it.
Can you see that?”
……”Yes, I think so.”

“Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.”
……”Yes, it is.”
“When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?”
“No.”
“Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.”
……”Okay, here it is.”
“Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.”
“I can’t reach.”
“Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?”
“No.”
“Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?”
“Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle-it’s because it’s dark.”
“Dark?”
“Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.”
“Well, turn on the office light then.”
“I can’t.”
No? Why not?”
“Because there’s a power outage.”
“A power… A power outage? Aha! Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?”
No? Why not?”
“Because there’s a power outage.”
“A power… A power outage? Aha! Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?”
“Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.
“Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.”
“Really? Is it that bad?”
“Yes, I’m afraid it is.”
“Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?”

“Tell them you’re too stupid to own a computer.”

FROM: Jane
TO: Tech Support
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software; severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installs many other valuable programs such as Dinner Dancing 7.5, Cruise Ship 2.3, and Opera Night 6.1. It also installs new, undesirable programs such as Poker Night 1.3, Saturday Football 5.0, Golf 2.4 and Clutter Everywhere 4.5. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs. When I click on it, the system crashes. Under no circumstances will it run Diaper Changing 14.1 or House Cleaning 2.6.
I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all purpose utility is of limited effectiveness. Can you help, please!!!!
************************************************** ***********************

FROM: Tech Support
TO: Jane
Subject: Upgrade Dangers
Yours is a common problem women complain about and is mostly due to a misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package. However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible. Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0.
In desperation to play some of their “old time” favorite applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0. Look in your manual under “Warnings: Divorce/Child Support”. You will notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled with Heart Break 1.3. I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system. Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults [GPFs]. This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To activate this great feature enter the command “C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME”. Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.
TECH TIP! Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a C:\ I APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, or worse yet, to Beer 6.0. Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create Fat Belly files and Snoring Loudly wave files that are very hard to delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip! Just remember! The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran.
Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly. After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as Fix Broken Things 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and Best Friend 7.6.
A final word of caution! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother in Law 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause selective shutdown of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until Mother In Law 1.0 is uninstalled.
I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!

* Tech Support: “May I ask what operating system you are running today?”
* Customer: “A computer.”

———-

* Tech Support: “What operating system are you running? Windows 95?”
* Customer: (a little too excited) “95, 96, 97, 98, I’ve got them all!”

After conferring with her husband, it turned out she owned a Macintosh with System 8.1.

———-

Customer: “I don’t use DOS. What would happen if I deleted that directory?”

———-

* Customer: “How much do Windows cost?”
* Tech Support: “Windows costs about $100.”
* Customer: “Oh, that’s kind of expensive. Can I buy just one window?”

———-

A customer called in with modem problems.

* Tech Support: “Ok, we’re going to check your modem settings. First thing we need to do is make sure all programs are closed.”
* Customer: “How do I know if everything is closed?”
* Me: “Make sure all windows are closed.”
* Customer: “But…I’m in the basement. I don’t have any windows here.”

Lucky me, I made it to the the mute button in time!

———-

Back in the early days of Windows 95:

* Customer: “I have Windows Thirty One.”
* Tech Support: “Ok, this program requires either Windows 95 or Win32s. Do you have Win32s on your system?”
* Customer: “No, I have Windows Thirty One, not Thirty Two.”
* Tech Support: “Windows 3.1 is the operating system. Win32s is a program that makes your computer fast like Windows 95.”
* Customer: “What’s Windows Ninety Five got to do with it?”
* Tech Supprort: “You need either Windows 95 or Win32s to run this.”
* Customer: “I HAVE THIRTY ONE! WHY WON’T IT WORK?”
* Tech Support: (giving up) “Ma’am, your computer is too old. Buy a new one with Windows 95.”
* Customer: “I’ve heard about Windows Three Hundred and Eleven. Wouldn’t that be better than Ninety Five?”

———-

I saw two older looking ladies trying to figure out the computers at a local store. I knew one of them would say something that I could send to Computer Stupidities, so I tried to listen in.

* Woman 1: “What is that little trash can on the screen?”
* Woman 2: “My son says that is call the ‘recycle bin’. He tells me when I don’t want a Word document anymore and I delete it, it really goes in there.”
* Woman 1: “Why in the recycle thingy? Can’t you just erase it?”
* Woman 2: “Oh no, Word wouldn’t work for very long if I did that, I would run out of blank pages.”
* Woman 1: “Why?”
* Woman 2: “Because it cleans the words off the pages, then sends the blank sheets back to Word so they can be used again. That’s why it’s called the recycle bin.”

———-

* Tech Support: “All right…now double-click on the File Manager icon.”
* Customer: “That’s why I hate this Windows — because of the icons — I’m a Protestant, and I don’t believe in icons.”
* Tech Support: “Well, that’s just an industry term sir. I don’t believe it was meant to –”
* Customer: “I don’t care about any ‘Industry Terms’. I don’t believe in icons.”
* Tech Support: “Well…why don’t you click on the ‘little picture’ of a file cabinet…is ‘little picture’ ok?”
* Customer: [click]

———-

Customer: “Do I hit ‘F’ and ‘8′ at the same time?”

———-

* Tech Support: “Ok Bob, let’s press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter ‘P’ to bring up the Program Manager.”
* Customer: “I don’t have a ‘P’.”
* Tech Support: “On your keyboard, Bob.”
* Customer: “What do you mean?”
* Tech Support: “‘P’ on your keyboard, Bob.”
* Customer: “I’m not going to do that!”

This one …. rflmao!!!! too funny…

———-

* Customer: “You’ve got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print a document, but the computer won’t boot properly.”
* Tech Support: “What does it say?”
* Customer: “Something about an error and non-system disk.”
* Tech Support: “Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?”
* Customer: “No, but there’s a sticker saying there’s an Intel inside.”

———-

* Customer: “I need a new floppy drive.”
* Tech Support: “If yours is broken, we’ll replace it. Your system is still under warranty.”
* Customer: “Oh, no! The system works fine! I’m thrilled with it.”
* Tech Support: “So you’re looking for a second drive to copy disks?”
* Customer: “No, I just need a new one.”
* Tech Support: (pause) “Ok, is there any particular reason?”
* Customer: “Mine’s used up.”
* Tech Support: “Used up? Like I said, if it’s broken, we will replace it for free.”
* Customer: “No, it still works. I just installed some software with it, and now it’s used up.”

After some time we arrived at the crux of the misunderstanding, and I calmly showed him that if he pushed the little button on the drive, his disk would come back out. He left a happy man, checkbook safely back in his pocket.

———-

* Customer: “What do I do now?”
* Tech Support: “One way to resolve this would be to delete files to free up space.”
* Customer: “Which files should I delete?”
* Tech Support: “Delete files that you have created that you no longer need.”
* Customer: “I can’t do that. ALL of my files are important. Isn’t there another way?”
* Tech Support: “Well, you could get a bigger hard drive.”
* Customer: “A BIGGER HARD DRIVE! The thing already takes up most of my desk space. How much bigger does it have to be?”

———-

* Tech Support: “Tell me, is the cursor still there?”
* Customer: “No, I’m alone right now.”

———-

* Customer: “I can’t seem to connect to the Internet.”
* Tech Support: “Ah, right. What operating system are you running?”
* Customer: “Netscape.”
* Tech Support: “No, what version of Windows are you using?”
* Customer: “Uhhh…Hewlett Packard?”
* Tech Support: “No, Right click on ‘My Computer,’ and select properties on the menu.”
* Customer: “Your computer? It’s my computer!”
* Tech Support: “No sir, I mean the little picture called ‘My Computer’ on your desktop.”
* Customer: “I don’t see an icon called that on my desktop. I do see one called that on my screen.”
* Tech Support: “Right, just right click that, and choose Properties from the menu.”
* Customer: “Right click?”
* Tech Support: “Just a moment, sir.” (mutes phone) “AAAAAAAARGH.”

———-

* Tech Support: “Ok, ma’am, do you see the button on the right hand side of your mouse?”
* Customer: “No, there’s a printer and a phone on the right hand side of my mouse.”

Hmmmm…. Let’s try a different approach.

———-

Here’s something that occurred while I was reading your page:

* Me: “Ok, press Ctrl, Alt and Del all together. Do you get a screen with lots of programs listed?”
* Customer: “No, it just says ‘Close Program’.”
* Me: “Yes, that’s the name of that window, but are there several programs listed below that?”
* Customer: “Oh. Yes.”
* Me: “Ok, do any of those programs have ‘not responding’ on them?”
* Customer: “No.”
* Me: “You can’t see ‘not responding’ anywhere?”
* Customer: “No.”
* Me: “Ok, please read me what the first few entries are in that list.”
* Customer: “Ok. There’s ‘Microsoft Word [filename] not responding’.”
* Me: “So that has ‘not responding’ on it?”
* Customer: “Yes. Oh, I thought you meant it would be its own entry.”

———-

* Me: “I have put this Movie Magic screen-saver on for you.”
* Manager: “Wow, that’s a nice picture.”
* Me: “Yeah, it’s not bad, is it?”
* Manager: “Can you set the screen-saver so the picture doesn’t change?”
* Me: “Huh?”
* Manager: “You know, so the same picture stays there while we work?”
* Me: “Oh! You want this as the wallpaper?”
* Manager: (angrily) “No! I don’t want you to start decorating the office!”