World Free Stuff

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he’d found a cat. She asked him if it was dead or alive.
“Dead.” she was informed.
“How do you know?” she asked her pupil.
“Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move” answered the child innocently.
“You did WHAT?!?” the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
“You know”, explained the boy, “I leaned over and went ‘Pssst!’ and it didn’t move.”

——————————-

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later…. “Da-d….”
“What?”
“I’m thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?”
“No. You had your chance. Lights out.”
Five minutes later: “Da-aaaad…..”
“WHAT?”
“I’m THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??”
“I told you NO! If you ask again, I’ll have to spank you!!”
Five minutes later……”Daaaa-aaaad…..”
“WHAT!”
“When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?”

——————————-

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, “How do you expect to get into Heaven?”
The boy thought it over and said, “Well, I’ll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, “For Heaven’s sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!’”

——————————-

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, “Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?”.
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
“I can’t dear” she said. “I have to sleep in Daddy’s room”.
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: “The big sissy”.

——————————-

It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children’s sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, “That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?”.
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor’s clip-on microphone, “Yes, and my Mom says it’s a bitch to iron.”.

——————————-

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, “Mommy, you are getting fat!”.
I replied, “Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy”.
“I know”, she replied, “but what’s growing in your butt?”

——————————-

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, “Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine.”
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped “What are you doing?”
The little boy answered “I’m doing my math homework, Mom.”
“And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?” the mother asked.
“Yes”, he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, “What are you teaching my son in math?”
The teacher replied, “Right now, we are learning addition.”
The mother asked, “And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?”
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, “What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.”

——————————-

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, “…. and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, ‘The sky is falling, the sky is falling!’ “.
The teacher paused then asked the class, “And what do you think that farmer said?”.
One little girl raised her hand and said, “I think he said: “Holy Shit! A talking chicken!”.
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

There is a boy and girl in CCD class.
The girl falls to sleep. The teacher asks a question.
“Who created Earth?”
The boy pokes her with a pen and she yells
“God”.
She falls back to sleep. The teacher asks another question
“Who was the Holy family”?
The boy pokes her with a pen and she says
“Jesus, Mary,Joseph”.
She falls back to sleep. The teacher asks another question
“What did Mary say to Joseph after their 23rd baby”?
The boy pokes her with a pen and she says “If you stick that thing in me one more time i swere i will snap it in half!!!!!!!!!”

During a good manners and etiquette class being held for young children, the teacher says to her students:

“If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?”

Mike replies: “Wait a minute, I’m going for a piss.”

The teacher says: “That would be very rude and improper on your part.”

Charlie replies: “I’m sorry I need to go to the toilet, I’ll be back in a minute.”

The teacher says: “That’s much better but to mention the word ”toilet” during a meal, is unpleasant.”

And Little Johnny says: “My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope to be able to introduce to you after dinner.”

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. On this particular day, the teacher wanted to ask her class which part of the body went to heaven first.

One little girl raised her hand and said, “I think your mind goes to heaven first because you have to have a mind in order to believe in God.”

The teacher praises the little girl as a little boy raises his hand. He says, “I think your heart goes to heaven first because God is all about love.”

“Very good,” said the teacher. The teacher looked up and saw Little Johnny’s hand up. “Oh no,” she thought, “I’m not gonna like this”. “Little Johnny, which part of the body do you think goes to heaven first?”. Little Johnny thinks for a minute and says, “Your feet.” The teacher asked him why he thought your feet go to heaven first.

He replied, “Well, I was walking past my parents’ bedroom last night and my mom had her feet up in the air and she said, ‘Oh God, I’m coming!’, but fortunately Dad was on top of her holding her down.”

The teacher asked, “Johnny what is your problem?”

Johnny answered, “I am too smart for the first Grade. My sister is in the third grade and I am smarter than she is! I think I should be in third grade too.”

MrsBrooks had had enough. She took Johnny to the principal’s office.

While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told MrsBrooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. She agreed Johnny was brought in and the conditions explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”
Johnny: “9.”

Principal: “What is 6 x 6 ?”
Johnny: “36.”

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grade should know. The principal looks at MrsBrooks and tells her, “I think Johnny can go to the third grade.”

MrsBrooks says to the principal, “Let me ask him, some questions?”

The principal and Johnny both agree.

MrsBrooks: “What does a cow have four of that I have only 2 of?
Johnny, after a moment “Legs.”

MrsBrooks: What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”
Johnny: “Pockets.”

MrsBrooks: “What starts with C and ends with T, is hairy, oval and delicious and contains a whitish liquid?”
Johnny: “Coconut.”

MrsBrooks: “What goes in hard and pink and comes out soft and sticky?”
The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny takes charge…..
Johnny: “Bubblegum.”

MrsBrooks: “What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on 3 legs?”
The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer…..
Johnny: “Shake hands.”

MrsBrooks: “Now I will ask some ‘Who am I’ questions, okay?”
MrsBrooks: “You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.”
Johnny: “Tent.”

MrsBrooks: “A finger goes inside me. You fiddle with me when you’re bored. The best man always has me first.”
The principal was looking restless and a bit tense.
Johnny: “Wedding Ring.”

MrsBrooks: “I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver?”
Johnny; “Arrow.”

MrsBrooks: “What word starts with F and ends in K and means a lot of heat and excitement?”
Johnny: “Fire truck.”

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, “Send Johnny to University, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!”

Year 2 class in Bradford comes in from playtime. Teacher asks Sarah: “What did you do at playtime?”

Sarah says, “I played in the sand box.”

The teacher says, “That’s good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write ’sand’ correctly, I’ll give you a chocolate Hobnob.”

She does and gets a chocolate Hobnob.

The teacher asks Michael what he did at playtime.

Michael says, “I played with Sarah in the sand box.”

The teacher says, “Good. If you write ‘box’ correctly on the blackboard, I’ll give you a chocolate Hobnob.”

Michael does, and gets a chocolate Hobnob. Teacher then asks Mustaffa Abdul Machmoud what he did at playtime.

He says, “I tried to play with Sarah and Michael, but they threw rocks at me.”

The teacher says, “Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can go to the blackboard and write ‘blatant racial discrimination’ I’ll give you a chocolate Hobnob.”

Lols sorry to all those american people who are reading this =D

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American.

She asks her students to raise their hands if they were American too.

Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks.

There is, however, one exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd.

The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

“Because I am not an American.”

“Then”, asks the teacher, “What are you?”

“I’m a proud Canadian,” boasts the little girl.

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a Canadian.

“Well, my mom and dad are Canadians, so I’m a Canadian too.”

The teacher is now angry. “That’s no reason,” she says loudly. “What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?”

A pause, and a smile. “Then,” says Kristen, “I’d be an American.”

there was this school of kids one day and the teacher asked timmy a 9 year old kid,

teacher:timmy do u see the trees?
timmy: yes i do
teacher:do u see the grass?
timmy: yes i do
teacher: go outside and try to see the sky
timmy comes back 2 mins later saying yes teacher i see the sky
teacher:ok timmy did u see god when u looked at the sky?
timmy:no
teacher:thats right u didnt see him, its cause he doesnt exist thats why u cant see him

then this little girl raises her hand and she asks the teacher if she can ask timmy some questions..the teacher says yes go right ahead

girl: timmy do u see the trees?
timmy:YES!
girl: timmy do u see the grass?
timmy: Yess omg
girl: do u see the sky?
timmy:Yes!
girl: do u see the teachers brain?
timmy: no
girl: thats right u cant see it, its cause it doesnt exist!

It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, “Lets begin by reviewing some American history. “Who said Give me Liberty, or give me Death?”

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up. “Patrick Henry, 1775.”

“Very good!” said the teacher. “Now, who said, Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?”

Again, no response except from Pedro: “Abraham Lincoln, 1863.”

The teacher snapped at the class, “Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!”

She heard a loud whisper: “Screw the Mexicans!”

“Who said that?” she demanded.

Pedro put his hand up. “Jim Bowie, 1836.”

At that point, a student in the back said, “Im gonna puke.” The teacher glared and asked, “All right! Now, who said that?”

Again, Pedro answered, “George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.”

Now furious, another student yelled, “Oh yeah? Suck this!”

Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, “Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!”

Now, with almost a mob hysteria, the teacher said, “If you say anything else, Ill kill you!”

Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, “Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001.”

The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, “Oh shit, were in BIG trouble now!”

Pedro whispered, “Saddam Hussein, 2003.”

Finally, someone threw an eraser at Pedro and another student shouted, “Duck”!

The teacher, just waking up and still a bit out of it, asked “Who said that?

Pedro: “Dick Cheney 2006!”

It’s the first day of kindergarten, and the teacher decides to do taste association. ‘I’ll blindfold you and give you a lifesaver, and you tell me what flavor it is,’ she tells the children. So she gives them all a cherry flavor, and says, ‘What flavor is that?’

The whole class answers ‘Mmmm, that’s cherry.’

‘Very good,’ the teacher replies. So she gives them all a grape and they reply, ‘Mmm, that’s grape.’

‘Very good,’ she says again.

Then she gives them all a honey flavor. The whole class sits perplexed by the strange taste, so the teacher says ‘OK, I’ll give you a hint, it’s something your parents might call each other.’

Billy spits his out on the floor and yells, ‘Spit ‘em out everyone, they’re ASSHOLES!’