World Free Stuff

I’ve never talked about this before, but I really need the boards advice on what could be a crucial decision. I’ve suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.

The usual signs… Phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.
My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, “Just some friends from work, you don’t know them.”

I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn’t in a taxi?

I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife I think deep down I just didn’t want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.

I decided I was going to park my motorcycle next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my bike , that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, “I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.”

The driver says, “Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60 perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: “Now don’t be silly dear, you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.”

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, “Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once?”

The wife smiles demurely and says, “You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.”

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, “Darn it, woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?”

The officer frowns and says, “And I notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt, sir. That’s an automatic $75 fine.”

The driver says, “Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.”

The wife says, “Now, dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving.”

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, “WHY DON’T YOU EVER SHUT UP!?”

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, “Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma’am?”

“Only when he’s been drinking.”

A married man was visiting his “girlfriend” when she requested that he shave his beard. “Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face.”
James replied, “My wife loves this beard, I couldn’t possibly do it, she would kill me!!”

“Oh please?” the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice…

“Oh really, I can’t,” he replies…”My wife loves this beard!!”

The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighs and finally gives in. That night James crawls into bed with his wife while she was sleeping.

The wife is awakened somewhat, feels his face and replies “Oh Michael, you shouldn’t be here, my husband will be home soon!”

A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.
‘Just where the heck do you think you’re going!’, said the man.
‘I’m going to Las Vegas’, said the wife, ‘I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!
‘The man said, ‘Wait a minute!’, and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.
‘Where the heck are you going?’, said the wife.
The man said, ‘I want to see how you’re gonna live on $800 a year!’

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!”

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during
a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where
they spent their honeymoon 20 years before.

Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their
travel schedules. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida
on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel, and unlike years ago, there was
a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife.
However, he accidentally left out one letter In her email address, and
without noticing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile…somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home
from her husband’s funeral. He was a minister who was called home to
glory after suffering a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages from
relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed
and fainted.

The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor,
and then glanced up and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Date: Thursday, October 13, 2004

Subject: I have arrived!

Dearest Love:
I know you are surprised to hear from me. they have computers
here now, and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I
have just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything
has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow, and look forward to
seeing you then.

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is hot down here!

There was a Packers fan with a really crappy seat at Lambeau. Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the 50-yard line. Thinking to himself “what a waste” he made his way down to the empty seat.

When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, “Is this seat taken?” The man replied, “This was my wife’s seat. She passed away. She was a big Packers fan.” The other man replied,”I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn’t give the ticket to a friend or a relative?”

The man replied, “They’re all at the funeral.

A man finds an old lamp that his wife bought on a vacation, the lamp had a glow
surrounding it. The man decides to rub the lamp, and out comes a wish granting genie.

The genie says : “You have three wishes, but there’s a catch. What ever you wish for your wife
gets double!”

The man looks at the genie and says : “Ok. Give me a brand new car !”
Genie says : “Alright, but your wife gets two of them.”

The man says : “Give me a big house.”
Genie says : “Kay, your wife gets two. You’re down to your last wish… better make it count !”

The man thinks for a while, then looks at the genie and says : ” Alright i’m ready to make my last wish ! ”
Genie says : “State it then.”
The man says, with a big smile on his face : ” Beat me half to death”

Two cowboys were sitting in a bar when one asked his friend if he had heard of the new sex position called rodeo. His friend says no, what is it?

Well you mount your wife from the back, reach around and cup her breast with both hands.

Then say, “Boy, those are almost as nice as your sisters”.

Then see if you can hold on for 8 seconds.

Wife: “What are you doing?”
Husband: “Nothing.”
Wife: “Nothing…? You’ve been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.”
Husband: “I was looking for the expiration date.”

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Wife: “You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?”
Hubby: “When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.”
Wife: “You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?”
Hubby: “Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?”

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Stress Reliever Girl: “When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.”
Boy: “It’s very kind of you, darling, but I don’t have any worries or troubles.”
Girl: “Well that’s because we aren’t married yet.”

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Son: “Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.”
Mom: “Well, you have done the right thing.”
Son: “But mom, I was sitting on daddy’s lap.”

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A newly married man asked his wife, “Would you have married me if my father hadn’t left me a fortune?”
“Honey,” the woman replied sweetly, “I’d have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!!”

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A wife asked her husband: “What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?”
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: “I like your sense of humor.”